AIBU to wonder when people became unable to stand up for themselves?

[PickledChutney]

I see so many threads on here where users are asking if they would BU to not spend Christmas with their PILs, or not to buy all of their ILs presents on behalf of their DH etc.

Why do they have to ask? Surely you’re all adults and know that you can do whatever you want to do. You can’t please everyone all of the time, but you can please yourself whenever you’d like to.

It seems particularly crazy when posters ask if they should go to their ILs for the whole of Christmas even though they don’t want to, have young kids/pets/long journeys/their own family to see, but don’t want to upset their MIL. What is that about? Every single post I see I want to shout JUST DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO!!

AIBU??

Because the people with a backbone are expressing these preferences to the people in question, rather than MN.

plus trolls

Well, it's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and squawk "just do whatever you want to do!!" at strangers on the internet, but we don't have to deal with the possible fallout from that poster taking the advice. The fallout could be hellish.

Which could lead to a whole new thread in January about 'Should I LTB?'

Because we are dealing with relationships with other people, and in particular trying to maintain good relationships with other people. One way of achieving this is through compromise.

I don't see it as not being able to stand up for yourself. I see it as a way of approaching problems in a way that tries to avoid falling out / upsetting people. Otherwise the fallout could then become very draining to you and others, and last a very long time.

So I’m sorry but I feel yabu.

Because women are still overwhelmingly socialised to avoid confrontation, to play nice, to defer to authority, and to take responsibility for managing the relationships in the extended family and ensuring that everyone is happy.

So a big swathe of entrenched social attitudes are specifically designed to prevent women from 'just doing what they want to do'. And yes, some of us the adult daughters of doormat mothers find it easier than others to say 'Fuck it, I can't please everyone, and I'm not going to try', but others really struggle with dealing with other people's disapproval.

YABVU

Because maintaining good relationships with other people inherently means that you can’t just do what you like.

You have to take other people’s feelings into consideration in order to keep your relationships healthy.

That doesn’t mean you always make the choice they want of course but it often means that compromise is necessary to maintain a balance.

Other people in turn will make compromises to suit your needs and wants.

There are times to be selfish and do only what’s best for you but I’m not sure that Christmas is generally an optimum time to choose for that.

I make compromises to keep my parents and PILs happy at Christmas. We structure the day so that it’s not too stressful and we get time alone with the children and we also factor in particular elements to keep the Grandparents happy.

We try to make sure that everyone’s happiness is more or less equally balanced. We don’t always get it right but we try.

There are toxic relationships with unreasonable demands which should be ignored of course but for most people then no, “suit yourself entirely” isn’t going to lead to a happy Christmas for everyone else.

What NonaGrey said.

There are plenty of threads on here about selfish assholes that just do as they please all the time. Most posters are advised to leave them or get new friends etc.

Sometimes you need an outside perspective to help you decide what is reasonable when accommodating the requests of others.

YABVU.

Can't even be bothered to explain.

Sometimes you need an outside perspective to help you decide what is reasonable when accommodating the requests of others.

Dinosaur makes a good point. If you have a difficult family or are a particularly conflict averse person (or both!)!then sometimes it can be hard to see what the “right” thing to do is.

People use MN to vent and as a sounding board.

While I think 'just stand up for yourself' is sometimes good advice, it doesn't reflect how complex family relationships can be and how to manage this without falling out with people. Particularly with in-laws, in my case for sure.

I guess it's helpful for people to use MN as a sounding board.