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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want to spend Christmas at home just me and my two boys

16 replies

Sammie24 · 17/12/2018 10:18

So my ex left me last year and we spent Part of Xmas together last year but this year he has a new gf and things between us are very strained at the least. He regularly goes a week or more without speaking to our 6 and 4 year old boys. The boys are meant to be with him every other weekend but more often than not our 6 year old refuses to go. On Saturday both boys declined to go even after I was dropping them both round at their dads. They both got in my car and said they didn’t want to stay, their dad just stood and watched, I spoke to him about it later on that day as I agree it must be horrible, however I have urged him not to give up and show his kids more he cares by calling them or asking to have them, (I don’t say no however I am a student nurse and work shifts etc so we do need to be more flexible when it comes to him looking after the kids so set days don’t work) the kids called him on Saturday night and he said he would call them on Sunday morning and try again with them, in the mean time I got the kids interested in going saying they could help daddy put his Xmas tree up, Sunday morning came and we called him but he didn’t answer and Never attempted to ring them all the day, I have spoken to him after the kids have gone to school today, he said that he will get them from school on Tuesday, we then argued about Xmas day because I want to just chill out at home with the boys this year, let them open their presents and get comfy with a fire on and watch Xmas tv and play with their gifts, he wants to come and pick the kids up for a bit on Xmas day but I have said no, I have insisted that if anyone wants to come and see the kids I have an open door but we are staying in and chilling out, I have also told the ex that he is welcome to pick the boys up after tea like 6pm and take them and make Boxing Day his Xmas with them, he thinks I am being a bitch because Xmas is about family but I have told him that Christmas is just one day of the year and it’s a joke to make a big thing about that when every other day of the year he barley considers himself a father, fails to contact the kids, doesn’t answer calls from them, and is so okay with them not seeing him it’s the same with his parents, I haven’t stopped anyone from seeing the boys period, Im still waiting for them to ask!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2018 10:26

YANBU. He needs to make an effort if he wants to start making requests.

You're being more than fair saying he can come over and see them on Christmas day, if that's not good enough he can fuck off.

Original poster

Sammie24 · 17/12/2018 10:38

Thank you, it’s just so hard atm, I want the best for my kids and seem to be the only one that is fighting for them to have a relationship with their dad

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 17/12/2018 11:00

What was his response?

I absolutely agree with you. It’s more about wanting to show off what a great dad he is by saying he had them for Christmas. “I took them to every doctors appointment and treated them for nits “ doesn’t quite have the same glory.

Stick to your guns

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/12/2018 11:07

Not only are you not being unreasonable, you sound incredibly reasonable. Saying he'll call them when the situation is already delicate and the failing to do so?!

Totally understand how you feel about Christmas. My ex left when I was pregnant and saw DD a handful of times before she was six, and not once since then - she is 21. To be honest, although that was his choice and I encouraged him to see her and keep in contact, it's probably simpler like this. She doesn't remember anything about him and as he's never paid maintenance, I don't feel that I owe him anything.

Hope that you and your boys have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster

Sammie24 · 17/12/2018 12:19

He had never once taken them to the drs, we have recently moved house and it took to him having to drop one of the boys home to ask where we lived

OP posts:

VioletCharlotte · 17/12/2018 18:18

He sounds exactly like my ex. Can't be bothered all year, then wants to play Daddy on Christmas Day 🙄 Stick to your guns. Your boys will have a much better day with you.

brighteyeowl17 · 17/12/2018 18:22

Don’t cave to him. He can’t have the ‘fun’ bits and do none of the hard work.

Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 18:22

Likely he wouldn't turn up anyway.

itscalledwineflu · 17/12/2018 18:46

Compromise tell him he can come round and spend some time with kids at home then do Boxing Day at his . Think of the kids it must be different for them, you both must do what is best for them both but I think he is untitled to see his kids on Christmas Day as you are . Saying that he needs to get his act together he can't be saying he will ring and not .

Original poster

Sammie24 · 18/12/2018 08:27

I have invited him on Xmas day, he said why would he want to spend his Christmas Day with me, I have insisted I have an open door policy and if anyone including my own family want to see the boys they are more than welcome too they can come to me, last year the ex came round to see the boys open their presents then stayed for a couple of hours playing games, he then went back to his, i then had to go and pick him up and drop him and the boys at his mums house, they stayed there for an hour or so and I picked the kids up and took them to my mums for lunch, then as evening progressed I had to them get us gathered up and drive pick the ex up and then he was meant to come back to play more games with kids but he chose to go back home so I then dropped him off, so that is partly why I don’t want to be rushing hear there and everywhere this year

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 18/12/2018 08:31

YANBU if he wants to come see them he can. He can’t be trusted to stick to arrangements that he made and I wouldn’t want my childrwn upset if he didn’t come collect them as planned.

itscalledwineflu · 18/12/2018 08:34

Well then he is bu , tell him the kids want to stay home so he can see the kids on Christmas Day at yours but he can have time with them on his own another day .

Nicknamesalltaken · 18/12/2018 08:35

Do what you want to do OP.

You have years of this shit ahead of you otherwise.

Laiste · 18/12/2018 08:40

Rainbowqueeen - It’s more about wanting to show off what a great dad he is by saying he had them for Christmas. “I took them to every doctors appointment and treated them for nits “ doesn’t quite have the same glory.

Amen to that! Fucking 'look at me being father of the year at xmas' bollocks

Laiste · 18/12/2018 08:58

OP mine with xh are 25, 23 and 21. XH and i split 13 years ago. Since day 1 he's hardly seen his 3 daughters or even spoken them during each year. Thefirst 2 years he bought them nothing for xmas. But since then each year he's wanted them on xmas day evening and to stay over through boxing day. It fucks up xmas day, everyone getting ready to leave just after lunch. They have to take bedding withe them because he's never bought a bed for them for the spare room in 13 years. (he's well off) The two older ones have only just this year come out from under the 'i suppose we'd better say yes to dad' spell. This year the older two have said 'actually bugger it why should we, he literally does fuck all all year for us and never has!'. It's taken this long. I've cried private tears.

It's small thing, but I've kept my mouth shut all these years because it's not my place, at the age they were/are, to dictate where they have to be at xmas. But DH (their step dad) and i have been waiting for them to see the light and stay with us for xmas and boxing day. The younger one (20) still feels obliged to go for boxing day this year but isn't going for the overnight. We'll wave her off with a smile as always.

RedHelenB · 18/12/2018 09:09

Let him be the dad he's going to be. Don't tell your children what he's going to do with them. And at 6 years old just leave the child with him. It's not up to you to make the relationship work.

As to Christmas yanbu.

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