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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider not speaking to my mother ever again?

21 replies

TinkerSpy · 17/12/2018 08:50

That, really.

My mother left me & my sister aged 9 & 11 with a controlling and unloving father. Three years later my father then threw me out (but not my sister), I had to move in with mother (who I hadn't seen since she left).

She was a very unstable person - either I was fabulous and the best daughter ever and she lavished money/gifts on me, or I was a really ungrateful brat and she often threw me out too over small things I'd done 'wrong'. As a young teenager of course there were arguments, but they'd escalate into violence (I never hit back) and she'd call me fat, friendless, pathetic, lazy etc etc.

The emotional turmoil at home made me rebellious at school, skipping classes and hanging out with older girls. I was quite vulnerable and craved attention, so I was easily groomed aged 14 and abused by a family member of one of my friends. I told no one for years. It was a very stifling, abusive atmosphere and I hid in my room, too frightened of the world outside to escape, but frozen at home dependent on her.

Fast forward to now in my 30s - I've worked very hard while suffering from MH issues because of my upbringing (I'm in recovery from complex PTSD) to make a success of my life and I'm happily married, financially independent and getting stronger all the time. I'm a sensitive, emphatic person and try to see the silver livings in my life. I have a lot to be grateful for now.

Now, my mother has fallen out with almost every single family member as time has gone by - it's the same story, she disagrees with something they say/do and she never speaks to them again. The main reason I haven't gone NC already is because I don't want to be like her!

AIBU to consider no contact now, as I'm planning on having my own family? I can cope, just about, with her (I have 'rules' like not seeing her alone, only meeting in public etc,) but I'm worried her toxic-ness will affect my future family.

What would you do?

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 17/12/2018 08:54

As you're aware of the problem, and are taking steps to protect yourself, I would leave things at the moment, but be prepared to review in an instant if her behaviour starts affecting you more.

bridgetreilly · 17/12/2018 08:57

When you have your own family you can also establish rules for contact between them and her if you want to. But in the circumstances, I don't think it would be unreasonable to cut contact completely.

Original poster

TinkerSpy · 17/12/2018 09:01

Thanks for the replies - I think part of me feels she completely doesn't deserve a happy relationship with grandchildren, should I have kids, you know?

It's really made me look through a different lens! I can carefully handle her toxic-ness but for the first time I'm wondering if I should have to.

OP posts:

Heismyopendoor · 17/12/2018 09:04

I would have cut her out of my life years ago. You wouldn’t be anything like your mum if you cut contact. She drops people for silly reasons, you have all the reasons in the world to never see her again. Very different from her.

MumW · 17/12/2018 09:05

I don't think cutting contact makes you like her, especially if you are starting a family.
In fact, cutting contact to protect both you and your family would make you less like her. You are looking out for your welfare which is something your parents have shown they are completely uncapable of. They have shown complete contempt of their parental responsibilities.

HumpHumpWhale · 17/12/2018 09:06

You should think about how you'd feel if you never saw her again. If it's relieved, I'd go for it. You owe her nothing. She made her bed by being an utterly dreadful mother.

madmum5811 · 17/12/2018 09:08

Went NC with my mother eventually because of my children. They did not deserve the chao's that she brought to the family

Dodgepodge · 17/12/2018 09:18

@HumpHumpWhale I think I'd feel guilty, and relieved.

Rootvegetables · 17/12/2018 09:20

Having children really polarised things for me. I put up with a lot of shit from my dad from age 11 feeling really sad about a lot of it but once I had children, in my 30s I had to protect them and it wasn't about me at all. I haven't spoken to him for 3 years now and it's freeing if ever I feel guilty I think I'm doing it for them and it helps. I feel sad I don't have a dad that's decent not that I'm not seeing the one I've got if that makes sense! It sounds like your mum only brings negativity to your life.

HisuiNatsutachi · 17/12/2018 09:21

I could have written this post myself, it's so close to what I went through. My heart goes out to you and it sounds like you're on the right path to recovery. My own way of dealing with this abuse was to leave my home country, a bit extreme I know, but I didn't have any long term plans to be away for so long (as it happens, I left many years ago and haven't been back to live, although I visit for holidays) I realise in hindsight that this what needed to be done in order to make peace with my mother. I had harboured an incredible amount of anger towards her, and the world, for not protecting me, and I had very little self-worth. Many years ago I embarked on a journey of meditation and yoga, and through these practices I was able to forgive and become more compassionate to myself and my mum. I see her as a victim of her own suffering, and whatever pain she caused me, she caused herself one hundred times over.
I think physical space from a person who hurt you so deeply is important, and take as much time as you need to heal. It's your choice if you decide whether you wish to continue having this space from her. Focus on starting your family and trust your intuition. Much love to you and good luck

BlancheM · 17/12/2018 09:21

Sounds like mine. I don't see her but the children do, in the company of others. The problem she has with me is personal- it's me she hates but at the first sniff of her being the way she was with me, with the children then I will protect them from her.

nellieellie · 17/12/2018 09:23

I have a friend who had a similar dreadful upbringing with an unstable, inconsistent mother. She was thrown out for no reason at about 15 yrs - I was at school with her and witnessed horrible things. My friend has spent her life yo yoing to and from her mother, things would be “great”, then inevitably, the mother would turn and be vile again. My friend lived in impossible hope that her mother would at some point become a real DM. It never happened. She is in her fifties now and her mother is dead.
She has done so well, with lovely children, but she has mental health issues and struggles.
Your story may be entirely different of course. You are a different person. But your mother is clearly a very damaged person.
She will not change.
When you have children yourself, it is inevitable that your own childhood and relationship with your mother will come to the fore. It happens I think with most people. You may wish for your mother to be a grandma to your children, and try to give her a chance. Or you may feel that she is the last person you want your precious child to spend time with. I guess what Im saying is having children will complicate things and the way you feel about your mother, and it’s difficult to predict.
Having seen what my friend went through I am biased. I cannot see your mother being anything but negative in your life. She may want to be there for a grandchild, but may seek to poison your relationship with your child, to use your child to get at you when the fancy takes her. I would say, cut her out of your life entirely. All you have, all you have achieved is what you alone have done despite her. She will never be a positive in your life but you will probably always hope that she can be even a little bit like how a mum should be. But she can’t. Thats my biased advice. My unbiased advice is, if you feel deep down that you cannot cut her out of your life, seek out a counsellor with expertise in parent child abusive relationships. I do wish you luck. X

Missingstreetlife · 17/12/2018 09:24

I think you should consider it over a period of time, no need to rush. Just being open to the idea may give you a different perspective

nellieellie · 17/12/2018 09:26

I just want to add. Your mum is clearly a very damaged person. It is possible to feel compassion for her, and for whatever she may have suffered to make her who she is, but still see that she is toxic and you are not the person who can help her or be there for her.

BucketLid · 17/12/2018 09:26

Don't be silly. Grow up and be nice to your mam.

fuelledbystilton · 17/12/2018 09:27

She sounds like my mother. I dealt with it by moving a few hours away and limiting contact to visits 3-4 times a year and a fortnightly phone call. She doesn't like this but tough, it's the only way. Although I don't have children unfortunately, I would want them to have some relationship with her as I didn't have any relationship with my grandparents (mother fell out with both sets) and I feel that this was something I missed out on as a child. I liked my granny even though my mother described her as a mean old cow!

DailyMailFail101 · 17/12/2018 09:27

Have children if that’s going to make you happy, see your mother too if that makes you happy you don’t need to leave them alone together. Lots of people don’t have grandparents to help you could just see your mother occasionally she doesn’t need to be a permanent fixture just like a relative you see once a month or so. I wouldn’t let what your mother has done come into the decision about weather or not to have children the two things are separate.

Original poster

TinkerSpy · 17/12/2018 09:55

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the replies and the support.

It's such a complicated one...I do feel compassion for her as her childhood was cold and unloving. She just repeated the pattern and added extra. But I've had to learn that while I can feel compassion for her, I'm not responsible for her happiness and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her.

That's a good suggestion from PP about contact but limited contact.

Suffice to say, I don't think I'd be handing over any baby of mine for babysitting duties!

OP posts:

Original poster

TinkerSpy · 17/12/2018 09:57

@HisuiNatsutachi funnily enough DH and I are considering moving 200 miles away to make a fresh start and put my past truly behind me! I'm still in my hometown which makes it harder sometimes.

Thanks so much for posting and to you x

OP posts:

tenbob · 17/12/2018 11:14

Sympathies, OP
She sounds like my mother, who also walked out on us when we were young and would also flip between telling us we were the best thing in the world, or pieces of shit who ruined her live
I've been NC with her for a long time and it's freed up my life and improved my MH

I would cut contact well ahead of you having children

Unstable and emotionally-manipulative mothers don't suddenly become loving and doting grannies, and you owe it to your future children to grow up without that awful treatment in their lives

Give yourself a bit of time NC with her before the pregnancy hormones kick in and make you doubt your decision

Original poster

TinkerSpy · 17/12/2018 11:56

Thanks tenbob, there's a big part of me that would feel relieved not to have to deal with her at all. You're right, she'll never be than 'nice' than. And I just know if I did have a baby, she'd want to implant herself more in my life as she has so little going on.

I almost feel like it's inevitable at some point, because I know how defensive I'll feel of any DC I have. I'm glad to hear you're through the other side x

OP posts:

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