To feel very very angry.

[Grammarist]

I'm furious. I'm seriously massively at the wanting to flip stage
I've staying with my parents for the weekend and my DF has been off in one all weekend. Apparently he hates how I come in to his house and 'make demands everywhere'.
I tried to clarify what he meant and got nowhere apart from him saying how much he hates how I 'demand' that we change things because of the children.
From what I can figure out, he's pissed of that when I visit he has to adjust his routine to factor in two very young children.

He hates how we have to feed them earlier.
He hates that they make noise.
He hates that they have baths in his bathroom.
He hates that they play with toys in his absolutely enormous house.
He hates that they stay in rooms that he never uses (and therefore doesn't affect him)
He hates that they go in to say hi to him when he's in another room.

My mum was so so angry with him. He basically made out that he never wants us to come again. My kids are actually really quite sweet and well behaved so I know it's not them just being dicks. He really has a massive issue with change.

This makes me very very concerned. Alzheimer's runs in his family and I'm wondering if he's going down the same route. He had kids. There were lots of us and he never behaved like this...

I’m going to try to put the other side of this, OP. I love my nieces and nephews but a family with kids does start to dictate when everything will happen.

When family with kids visits you say “lunch in five minutes” but then you can’t actually serve it because the kids only just now realise they need to go to the bathroom. They fuss over eating green vegetables, they want to sit in a different place at the table and that means moving everything.

Then you think you’ll eat dinner when the kids are bathed and in bed but that takes an hour longer than you planned for because it’s a strange house and they’re too excited or don’t settle.

Everything is about the needs of the child as articulated by the parent. Can’t go for a walk because it’s nap time. Can’t go out to lunch because the kids won’t sit still. Can’t play music because the kids don’t like it. Can’t swear because little ears are listening.

Even when you love them, it’s a lot. And when you start finding it stressful it can get too much really quickly.

I love my neices and nephews but it’s not a relaxing time having them over. I have to embrace it for what it is.

I think your dad could have expressed himself better. But don’t jump to thinking he’s a kid hating monster. I know you think you’re kids aren’t impacting him much but even the best behaved children do. Try to have a sensible discussion about what parts of you dictating are the most egregious.

For example why do the kids have their bath in his bedroom? That sounds super annoying.

I agree, this sounds like something is amiss, have you said anything to him about what he’s saying and how he’s being with you and the kids? How long are you there?

I think sometimes as parents we can easily forget the disruption that can come with young children! I don’t think someone struggling with that says anything about them other than they are finding it hard.

My dad's definitely getting less patient with young kids as he gets older, but not to this degree.

I do wonder about dementia maybe with your dad because sometimes extreme, unreasonable tetchiness like this can be a thing.

My parents weren't like this when our children were little and they were in their 60s, and nor were any grandparents I knew/observed. Sometimes on MN I marvel at how ready younger people are to assume that anyone older than them must be teetering on the brink of getting dementia. I'm in my late 50s, my husband is early 60s and I can assure you neither of us is in our declining years and neither of us would behave as OP's dad has, nor would any of our similar-aged friends. Sounds like something might be wrong. OP's best bet is to talk to her mum.

Thank you all for your posts. It's been very interesting reading all the different views.
This is very much a recent thing in just how nasty/odd he's being. Yes, he's definitely always been controlling and had a bit of a temper but his behaviour and the things he's saying are way way worse than before.

The kids have a bath in what he considers 'his bathroom' - they have a huge house and there is an en-suite bathroom to their bedroom. However my dad has taken to using the other main family bathroom. So when we stay, that's the bathroom we have to use. He doesn't like that (yet has his own en-suite...) it's completely unreasonable.

I absolutely appreciate that young children are quite full on so I try to minimise the impact by taking mine out a lot during the day so it's not too much for my folks. This house is big enough that if we do stay in, they can practically go all day without seeing my Dad (apart from meals) and they play in a room that he never uses.

It's very argumentative and paranoid behaviour and it worries me.

Go NC. Definitely keep your kids well & truly AWAY from this man. Seriously. Monster ah there’s always one .

OP if this is out of character then I would talk to your mum about getting your dad to see a doctor. It must be harder for her having to live with him full-time if he’s changed this drastically.

We have

We have talked to her about a doctors bit I doubt it'll happen. He's always been the one in charge and I doubt she'll get anywhere with him. It must be very hard for her.

My late father had vascular dementia. Long before he showed any signs of confusion, forgetfulness etc, he became incredibly irritable and very intolerant of change. He also became verbally aggressive to my mother.

He couldn't cope with any disruption to routine or unexpected things happening but, tbh, he was always a bit like that anyway. He got much, much worse though.

If this is the early stages of dementia, medication can help. Please talk to your mum. If she lives with his moods day in, day out, she may not fully appreciate how much he has changed, because it will have been very gradual to her. And she will need your support - it's a lot to cope with.

Why are you angry with him if you are also worried there may be something medically wrong with him? Do you realise people can’t help developing dementia

He's just a grumpy old man, plenty about. Lots of older people who haven't been around children for a while find them difficult to adapt to having conveniently forgotten what their own were like. I suggest keeping visits as short as practicable, and going out a lot (for walks, to the park etc). Going NC would just be ridiculous.

Oh and make sure the children go to bed early. I find my niece annoying when she lets her tired grumpy children stay up late with the adults.....(turning into a grumpy old woman here).

Honestly, with everyone talking about dementia.... I think it's just men. They really are pains in the arse when they retire and when they get the house to themselves and their wives to themselves, often they simply get like this. My dad did. Mum just catered to him to make him stfu. Of course, like a toddler it, it reinforced the behaviour. When he was out of his "zone", he had to suck it up - but when chaos came to him, he couldn't cope. If my husband comes even CLOSE to behaving like this at all - even one tiny sign - I'm divorcing him and going Golden Girls and drinking cocktails with my friends.

I was angry with him because of just how horrendous he was and the things he said to me. I know that that is wrong if it turns out he's got a problem but it made me very cross as it was a very personal and nasty verbal attack that he launched (not going into full details as it's not appropriate).

However, I also agree that my mum has pandered to him for years and that he's being a bit of a petulant spoilt brat, so that's food for thought. It's just how distinctly different his behaviour is to 'normal' that's concerned me. It was very very vicious.

Many old people get more selfish and miserly as they get older. My FIL is like this. He resents every morsel of kindness MIL shows to our kids.

It's horrible, isn't it. I feel really drained today. One minute he's being so lovely and kind and then it's screaming banshee time. Luckily not in front of the kids.

This sounds like my dad :( We suspect the start of vascular dementia due to previous strokes and aneurysms. He is horrid to my mum, and so so intolerant of my ds.
No advice I'm afraid but I hope you have more luck convincing them to a doctors visit than we have 💐

Sounds a bit like my dad. He refused to change anything for the kids (even move poison out of their reach ). It makes it tough to visit.

Why is it on MN whenever anyone behaves like an arsehole they just have mental health issues unless they are over 50 in which case they have dementia?

You say he's always been nasty - now he's just nastier. Did you post because you are worried he is ill, or you are posting because he's working very hard to ruin Christmas and you are angry about it? You started off saying how unpleasant he was being then quickly went down the oh yes I agree it must be dementia poor soul route. Or is it that you and your mum have been enabling him all your lives together? Has he ever been a loving grandad?

It all is so very sad. It seems to me that he's got a degenerative medical issue. OK he wasnt all he might have been years ago but thats deffo worsening. DD3 is currently working on a EMI placment and she can tell you that older people's behavious can be rather like what you describe.

OK i'm getting on a bit but i love to seen the grandchildren noisey as thay might be and oddley enough i really treasure peace and quiet unless its Beethovens Sixth on the hi-fi, don't know where to stop turning thatand silialr classical pieces up:)

But overall i think it's a sad part of aging and life:(

There .. but for the grace of god will go all of us.