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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it's not OK for BIL to introduce girlfriend to family on his father's deathbed.

43 replies

Katzia · 17/12/2018 02:24

BIL has always been very secretive about his life. Who knows why!! Eg. His own brother ( my husband) hasn't been told where he lives or works. By digging on internet I know and told hubby where he works but no idea where he lives. His mother doesn't know where he lives. Several years ago ( about 10 years ago) he was a bit drunk at a wedding and he told me he had a girlfriend who had dark hair like mine. This was a major break of silence for him. Thought nothing of it as never met anyone after. Anyway in the past month the FIL has become seriously ill ( now sadly deceased) and to the shock of all BIL brought his girlfriend to the deathbed. MIL is incensed on top of being severely distressed. She has never liked strangers in her house and is quite shy and to have this foisted on her now is very distressing. Hubby and I find it weird that he would introduce girlfriend of 10 years ( and it is the same one he referred to) at such a time and indeed why she would agree to it. It now turns out FIL had met her once or twice before when he went to fix plumbing in their house but said nothing to MIL as BIL demanded. BIL is very controlling of parents. BIL has also positioned himself as his parents "carers", shutting out hubby and I , even though we live next door and actually are the day to day help. He's tied to mummy's apron strings and quite frankly would like to be the only son. I find the whole thing bizarre. What dark secret has kept him from revealing girlfriend all these years and why has she gone along with it. He is known to her family so no problem in that direction. I used to think he was gay or girlfriend was non white and that was reason for silence to protect parents ( don't judge... Irish Catholic.. different generation) but that's not the case. This is causing MIL all kinds of upset as it's just been sprung on her at this terrible time and she feels bereft. I think she is now wondering what will happen as she probably thought, given BIL's behaviour, that if anything happened, he'd move back home. Clearly by introducing girlfriend that isn't happening and he's just sent a message to that effect. AIBU to think he's been a total sh*t?

OP posts:

HolesinTheSoles · 17/12/2018 09:35

Why did mil expect bil would move in? I don't think it's his fault she's upset about this not happening. He's entitled to his own adult life. My now husband first met lots of my family after a death in the family. I wanted him there as a support and he helped out making cups of tea etc. It wasn't exactly the ideal first meeting but no one minded him being there.

It sounds like mil is a big part of the odd relationship bil has with his family and I would guess he has reasons for being so private.

I wouldn't try to encroach on bil's privacy. Try to support him.

PikaPikaTink · 17/12/2018 09:43

I think that your bil's relationship with his own parents is none of your business. I'd be really annoyed if my sister's husband passed comment on decisions I made around introducing people to them if they were dying.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 09:49

I’d follow the weirdo home
I hate secretive people

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 17/12/2018 10:04

I used to think he was gay or girlfriend was non white and that was reason for silence to protect parents ( don't judge... Irish Catholic.. different generation)

I would be embarrassed of racist, homophobic parents too.

It's also very very odd that you would dig on the internet to find out where he works when he clearly didn't want you to know. What benefit did that bring to your life other than to get one over on him.

Your story doesn't add up at all because your FIL knew where he lived and had met his partner.

It really does sound like your family is ridiculously overbearing and he has retreated to protect himself.

Don't blame him.

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 10:10

As for you finding BIL online, I don't think that such a big deal, and I'm surprised you're being criticised for that. Depending on his role, it might just take a couple of minutes on Google to trace where someone works*

But why would you? The op did it for her husband. Her husband didn't it's his brother

Also lets not label Irish Catholics as racist or homophobic.

My nana (who would be 90 if still alive) was brought up in Ireland in a Catholic family. She was neither racist or homophobic.

So yes I do judge people for being racist and/or homophobic.

RightYesButNo · 17/12/2018 10:15

I agree with several PPs. It seems like your MIL may have form for not respecting your BIL’s boundaries (nor do you, if you’re Googling to find his workplace). Because for some reason, your FIL knew where BIL lived and had met BIL’s girlfriend a few times and still didn’t mention any of that to MIL... or you. Time to really think about why he wouldn’t share that information.

It’s not untoward at all to want the comfort of your partner when your parent is passing, and FIL had previously met her so I think it was fine. BIL could have brought some other close friend you had never met as moral support - would that have been better or the same? If it would have been better, then that blows the MIL hating strangers in the house bit out of the water, and your MIL is upset about her son’s girlfriend for some reason (the apron strings you mentioned?). Regardless, obviously BIL wanted his partner’s moral support, so it is what it is.

But the fact is if he was not hiding info from his father (your FIL) but didn’t share it with the rest of you (you, your husband, MIL), then he must believe you won’t respect his boundaries. And MIL’s belief that he would give up his whole independent adult life to move back home after FIL’s passing, when you and her other son live right next door, seems like proof of that lack of respect for his boundaries.

I’m terribly sorry that you’ve lost your FIL and I’m sure you, your husband, MIL, and BIL are suffering. Grief is terrible But don’t freeze your grieving BIL out over unintentional hurt feelings. Communicate, and maybe try to get to know his partner now that the door is open; even if you think his timing was off, he’s introduced her now, and your family can only benefit by being welcoming.

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2018 10:19

I think it was beautiful and meaningful that BIL brought his girlfriend to meet his dad before he died

Really?

Not insensitive to the family to have a stranger there?

Meaningful how? I expect FiL was virtually out of it.

Flashingbeacon · 17/12/2018 10:22

I’m agreesing with others, he was hiding his life from his mother, especially if his father had been round to do a bit of plumbing. Hardly a chance meeting.

Also when my dad was dying he wanted to know I was going to be alright. The boyfriend I had at the time was really just a mate who I had a few drunken fumbles with but he went with it and met my dad and afterwards my dad was able to say he was happy I was happy. It facilitated a conversation that my dad needed to have. I love that guy for doing it. I’d imagine for your BIL it was much the same.
Can you honestly say there’s no reason why your BIL would keep his life from his mum?

Neverunderfed · 17/12/2018 10:32

It sounds very much like there is an issue between him and his mother. His father knew where he lived, had been there and met his girlfriend. But had been told not to yell the mother, which he listened to. He wants privacy to that extent, and the father respected it. But you're the kind of family where you think nothing of hunting him down online, and getting irate about his long term partner coming with him to support him.

All very odd.

Bestseller · 17/12/2018 10:32

So girlfriend knew FIL, if he'd done work at their house? It seems reasonable to me that she would visit him with her partner in the circumstances.

There's clearly something very odd gone on and I doubt you've heard even a tiny part of it.

I also don't understand how he can be so close to MiL and yet keep his address secret.

Do you need to be honest with yourself and admit your concern is mostly about inheritance?

Neverunderfed · 17/12/2018 10:35

Sounds like BiL and FiL were close and had an understanding. You feel cut out of that. But perhaps trust that there is more than likely a reason that he keeps himself so secret from mother, and brother. Probably something to do with the dynamic that has led her to think her adult son would move back in with her when she doesn't even have the type of relationship that means she knows where he lives.

ShalomJackie · 17/12/2018 10:35

As FIL knew her your main issue is that you didn't!?

zippey · 17/12/2018 10:37

Sounds a bit odd but I can think of worse things to do at someone deathbed than introducing a long term partner.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2018 10:40

Maybe he thought his father would like to see her again?

harriethoyle · 17/12/2018 10:41

Not your circus, not your monkeys. I'd keep out if I were you. And stop "digging"...

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2018 10:42

His partner has met his father and it was clearly a big deal to him to bring her, and it woild incidate it meant something to both of them. Right now you're not relevant. Your mother in law needs to accept your father in law did know her,

As to why he's so secretive either he has mental health issues or there is a reason. His father clearly knew where he lived. He has been to their house. He had met this woman. As such, back off ad think why he was happy for his father to know but not his brother and mother.

Huggybear16 · 17/12/2018 10:59

Agree with many PP - BIL is not the one that comes off badly from your story, you are. Keep your beak out, it was between him and his dad.

CoughLaughFart · 17/12/2018 11:43

BIL has always been very secretive about his life. Who knows why!!

Maybe because his sister-in-law is a nosy cow who goes Googling when he doesn’t give her a blow-by-blow account of his life?

My sister probably couldn’t tell you where I work. It’s not a secret; she knows what industry I’m in, but would probably have to ask my parents if someone asked her the name of the company. Similarly, I know what her other half does, but couldn’t tell you the name of the company or where the office is. It’s just not that relevant.

Maybe because you live next door to your in-laws you’ve got used to knowing everything about each other’s lives - so when another member of the family is more private, it seems odd to you. While he’s definitely at the other extreme, has it never occurred to you that it’s precisely because he finds the idea of sharing every detail of his life a little stifling? And finds the idea that he would move back in with his widowed mother ridiculous?

You say he’s tied to his mother’s apron strings in one breath, yet in the next you tell us she doesn’t know where he lives and hasn’t met his girlfriend of ten years. It doesn’t add up. What does add up is that the mother is so desperate to keep him tied to her apron strings that he’s gone as far as possible in the other direction. If you want an explanation for his ‘weird’ behaviour, you only have to look as far as next door.

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