To wonder how on earth do I fix things

9 replies

Quandary2018 · 17/12/2018 00:02

DS11 has always had a temper but it’s getting worse. He also lies a lot which is also getting more frequent.
He is mean to his sister (4) all the time, if he’s in the same room as her he’s in her face trying to wind her up
He gets physically aggressive with me and then says things like bet you’re going to beat me up now which is something I have never and would never do.
Every time we aren’t doing exactly what he wants, he kicks off. If plans change, he kicks off. If he gets told off at school it’s always because someone else got him in trouble

We are currently at my parents as it’s my grandmothers funeral tomorrow, everyone pitching in to get things sorted etc as the wake is here. I put the kids to bed and then went to carry on helping.
Within 5 minutes they were both downstairs again, I must have taken them back a good 6 times before my dd appeared, in tears, at half 10. She was crying because my ds had told her I don’t love them, I’m selfish, I don’t do anything to help them and i will leave them.
This was said because the internet keeps cutting out and, despite knowing he should be in bed, ds was trying to go on his Xbox.
I told him off, and he went beserk.
He threw the controller at me with such force that the battery pack flew out and he kicked me
He then started screaming for help saying I’d punched him in the head
My sister came in and he started telling her how selfish I am and that he hates the family.
He eventually went to bed after i said every minute I was kept waiting meant a days Xbox ban

This is a regular occurrence, the only thing that works is banning the Xbox but he still sees that as me being mean rather than a consequence for his actions

Background- exh was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive towards me- both dc witnessed it
They have indirect contact with their dad via weekly calls on a Sunday. They haven’t seen him properly since August last year. They are supposed to be having supervised contact with him this week.
Ds has had some counselling via women’s aid but it was only a handful of sessions and whilst they helped at the time he seems to have gone backwards.

I’m exhausted from the battles, I’m scared he’s really going to hurt me or his sister one day, I want to help him but I don’t know how as he is so angry all the time there’s no reasoning with him
How do I start to make things better for us all?
AIBU to worry he’s acting exactly like his father?

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 17/12/2018 00:29

Ok so you need to go to a therapist that treats anger management in children. You can get a recommendation from your GP or through Bupa if you want to go private. He has learned how to be abusive from his dad (and also that it’s good) and if this isn’t unlearned (and it can only be done through trying a range of different therapies) he will become an abuser himself. At 14 he’s old enough for you to sit down with him (with another male presence in the house if required) and tell him in no uncertain terms what you will accept (and won’t accept) in your house. Make it clear (and enforce this) that if he ever gets violent towards you or his sister again you will call the police. As for your daughter, it’s vital you empower her to defend herself and make it clear that abusive men are not to be tolerated. Make her take self-defence classes (karate or judo are especially good but so is boxing) and if he’s being verbally abusive tell her to tell you everytime.

Marcipex · 17/12/2018 01:47

Of course you're not BU to worry. It sounds very very stressful for you.
I second the advice above, but you may have to emphasise your desperation, in order to get help quickly. I guess you can't afford to go private, or you'd already have done so.
I think you are right to withhold the Xbox as a sanction. You have to make it really plain that you won't allow this behaviour. Some people find the police really helpful in these situations. They can put the frighteners on for you, much more effectively. It might also be useful to put on record that he lies, saying you've hit him.
Did your sister believe him? You need her to back you up every time.

fawkesRedux · 17/12/2018 04:11

It sounds awful but you have the answer in your post.

"This is a regular occurrence, the only thing that works is banning the Xbox but he still sees that as me being mean rather than a consequence for his actions "

Banning the Xbox "works" and also seems to be a cause of at least some of his behaviour. Follow through and use what works.

Original poster

Quandary2018 · 17/12/2018 07:52

It works so much as the threat of its removal makes him eventually do what he should be doing
Last night he told me that if I banned the Xbox then he’d put me through the tv and I believe he would
It’s a horrible way to live Day in and day out and certainly I’ve never condoned or made excuses for his behaviour but nothing I say or do seems to make a blind bit of difference

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2018 08:15

Is CAMHS involved through school?

Marcipex · 17/12/2018 08:55

You need to talk to his school too, if you haven't already. Don't cover up for him, make sure they know about his lies, in order to protect yourself.

Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 08:59

Get rid of the Xbox. He is using it as control over you.
And seek help ASAP.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 17/12/2018 09:03

Get rid of the X box.

It really won't be helping with his behaviour.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 17/12/2018 09:10

See your GP asap and explain everything to them. CAHMS is ok but the wait is long and you seem like you need help now.
Give the xbox to someone for a certain amount of time - say 2 weeks. Explain this to you son, he will get it back when and if he starts to obey the rules of the house.
Write the rules down, maybe put them on the fridge so they are easily seen. And definitely talk to the school - do they have a pastoral care department?

Flip