Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to get upset about my daughter being so close to my ex’s new gf?

19 replies

Sezzaboo · 16/12/2018 20:47

We have been apart since my daughter was 6 months old she is now 4 and a half. He has had 3 new partners in that time, I’ve had 1 (which didn’t last long). His latest has been spending a lot of time with my little one and today my daughter got upset when I went to pick her up and she had to leave the gf. Am I totally out of order to get upset at this? I’d never stop her father from spending time her I just don’t want her taking my place

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 16/12/2018 20:52

I can understand how you feel but I know as a step mum that I will never take DSDs mums place. She might enjoy spending time with her and find her fun but she isn’t her mum; she won’t be the one that your DD wants when she’s going to bed, ill or worried.
Also I know that if I tried to act like DSDs mum she wouldn’t like it and would have pushed me away; the reason we get on so well is that I’ve only tried to be her friend

RedHelenB · 16/12/2018 20:52

Yanbu to feel this way but ywbu to let her know you feel this way.

TinkerSpy · 16/12/2018 20:54

Totally understandable.

She probably has lots of attention and spoiling from your ex and the new gf when she's there, so of course she'll be upset leaving and coming back to 'normal' life - but honestly, you're her mum and no one can replace that.

GaraMedouar · 16/12/2018 20:56

You are not out of order to feel that, but you will always be your DD 's mummy.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/12/2018 20:57

YANBU to feel how you feel, but you know the only way to move forward is to accept this for what it is; an adult being kind to your DD.

DS13's Dad remarried and his DW is an incredible part of DS13's life; she loves him. No more, no less. I'm eternally grateful that when he's with his Dad he has a 'Mother' figure there to love and nurture him (especially when he was younger) and that he has built a positive relationship with her.

I have had moments of jealousy, definitely, but my overriding feeling is one of thankfulness that another woman loves and cares for my child. If it's possible try to work on how you're feeling about this and focus on all the reasons why you're happy. It sounds glib but it really does help.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/12/2018 20:59

YANBU. However, that she is sad to leave the girlfriend is way, way way better than not wanting to see dad because of the girlfriend. I have been through that and it was dreadful for all of us. Try not to worry, it is a good thing they are able to have a positive relationship.

Ghanagirl · 16/12/2018 21:01

@Sezzaboo
Definitely not unreasonable as it’s bit much to introduce a 4 year old to 3 different girlfriends...

MrsStrowman · 16/12/2018 21:03

YANBU and four years isn't long to be introduced to three news GFs! However surely it's better that the current GF clearly makes an effort with her, rather than resenting her or making your daughter feel unwelcome, if I were you I'd hope this one sticks as she seems to be trying to do the right thing and no one will ever replace you regardless of how well they get along.

JayniSummers · 16/12/2018 21:04

I work with a female who HATES her step daughter's. The way she talks about then is shocking. She looks for things to do while they are on their daddies week end so she doesn't have to spend time with them. She resents every moment .
I'd feel no different to you , but fund some comfort in that your child is loved and safe x x

MrsJayy · 16/12/2018 21:08

Your upset is your upset but the Gf isn't taking your place least your Dd likes her surely that is a good thing? And 4 year olds can cry at their sweets finishing try and not worry.

Jimdandy · 16/12/2018 21:11

I understand that you are a bit put out and upset, I would be too, but as others had said rather she is being nice to her than resenting her.

Plus kids are fickle. My kids are obsessed with my Mum as she lets them do as they like so they always want to stay with her etc

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/12/2018 21:11

I think part of it may be the novelty factor. The new girlfriend is maybe being a bit of a Disney adult and going out of her way to be really fun as she obviously wants your DD to like her. But that's not sustainable in the long term and will even out. It's good that the woman is making an effort but I understand why you're upset.

Bluebell878275 · 16/12/2018 21:22

I understand how you feel but you've got to try and see it as an addition..not a replacement. It's still early days and, yes, your daughter may love her but it's a good thing!!
I've always thought parents need to be careful not to put themselves on a pedestal..to think their child couldn't love someone else as much as them..surely it's a compliment, to you, to find that your child is accepting and loving. This will hopefully add, not take away.

PerverseConverse · 16/12/2018 21:22

for you because it bloody hurts. You feel replaced and worry irrationally that they'll take over your parenting role. I felt like this and still hate my exH's gf but then she's a nasty bitch who's emotionally abusive.
Now that my kids hate the gf it's worse than when they liked her as at least then they were happy at her house and now they are not.
Completely natural and understandable to feel like you do.

Original poster

Sezzaboo · 17/12/2018 06:37

Thank you all, it’s made me feel heaps better about the whole situation reading all your responses 😊

OP posts:

TheOxymoron · 17/12/2018 07:57

OP I totally understand how hurt you feel but do consider how she could be of great support and help. I doubt she is trying to replace you.
I hope it all works out.

SoyDora · 17/12/2018 08:07

YANBU to feel a pang, but the alternative is that your DD doesn’t like her and is unhappy when she’s there. Another adult who loves your daughter and cares for her can only be a good thing.

llangennith · 17/12/2018 14:07

It must be upsetting but small children are fickle. You may have called when she was having fun and didn't want it to stop. Like when you say you're leaving the park or a nice play zone and they cry because they want to stay.

Bunnybaubles · 17/12/2018 14:20

My DC's step mum was physically and mentally abusive which their DF let happen. I had to fight hard to have all rights removed on DF's side to keep them safe. I would've loved if they had a great relationship and felt safe as I would've had extra support bringing them up.

YANBU feeling how you do, but you are really lucky she gets on great with your DD.

Flip