Boring Christmas one - am I being unfair

[sundaysundymundy]

Mmmm, I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. It’s a Christmas one & probably overthinking & being unreasonable.

Large family, lots of siblings and nieces/nephews etc. I thoroughly love shopping and find nice things for them all. They range in age from toddlers to 20 somethings. And I’m fortunate to be in a position where I can treat them.

The AIBU / Eldest DSis never likes the presents I send, (we are virtually NC, that story would take a book with a sequel) - it’s never right, sweet shop Hamper (do not send again as it’s not good for them, please don’t), books or toys are a no no, Amazon vouchers never get used.... I can’t send £20 each as I’ll get a “that’s too much & moans to my DM”. I genuinely have had a decade of “displeasure”. So I’m spending as normal on all the others and only sending them a £10 each cash. I feel a bit mean, I have no idea if my DNs like the presents I send or if they are even get them, as I don’t have any contact with them, I last saw them 5 years ago. It just feels like I’m being unfair and treating them differently if I send them a £10. My other Nieces & Nephews, who I do know a lot better, always really appreciate their presents. I try to put some thought into them.

So the AIBU to just send a £10 in a card as that should be acceptable by DSIS, but it does mean treating them less favourably than their cousins???? I’ll add the cash saved to my annual donation to the local homeless charity - it will be more appreciated.

So as not to drip feed, they are exceptionally well off, but in my mind that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t send a Christmas present. They are family, even if they don’t want much to do with me (nothing wrong with me, I’m just not in their eyes in the same league).

That was overly long, and probably really boring, sorry.

Ps Name Change, purely as I am a habitual name changer. And yes my DSIS has been the subject of other threads!! I did say that that story is a book or two! This is fairly minor in the scheme of things, just makes me a little sad, and I feel I am being unfair.

Send a personalised Moonpig card and advise them you have donated to charity on their behalf.
Have they ever sent you a thank you message /card?

Charity donation in their name to some cause that helps disadvantaged children and young people. That ought to get the message across.

If they moaned that much about what I got them, I probably wouldn't bother sending anything any more. Your gifts are clearly not appreciated.

YANBU
Sounds like you will never please her so I would stop trying

@Snowwontbelong no thank you ever

@ButteryParsnips I love that idea, why hadn't I thought of that before. It's bloody perfect. I could donate some meals to Crisis in their behalf.

I would be tempted to stop sending gifts if there’s NC. I’m uncomfortable with the whole idea that kids get/expect presents without healthy relationships/friendships with people. If your sister was skint and it was one of the few gifts they might receive, I probably would send some cash, but you say they are wealthy, so I don’t think i’d bother.

I wouldn't bother giving anything if they can't be grateful.

Do they send you anything?

Does she send you and yours gifts?

@HollowTalk yes they always send us seriously nice presents / mainly designer clothes for the children. Ok sometimes the wrong size, but they do always send presents.

I am loving the charitable donation on your behalf idea.

And bed linen, aprons that sort of thing. Which I always say thank you for, and so do the DCs. Can't have enough bed linen, but now I'm thinking about it, it is a little strange for a Christmas present.

Buy them a donkey or something like this from the Oxfam. One animal for the whole family.
It’s serious suggestion, not a joke.

What's the thought on Centrepoint? They provide Christmas meals for young disadvantaged homeless? I've been googling for places to donate on their behalf

YABVU
If anything the ones that are grateful are the ones that should be getting cash and the ones that are not should get generic presents. However much they may pretend otherwise the vast majority of children would prefer cash over a present so it is extremely unfair and unhelpful to send the message that bad behaviour gets rewarded.

I wouldn’t send gifts if they’re not in contact. Could it be that your DSis is sending presents because you are sending them. So she moans because she wants you to be the first who stops . it will give her an excuse for not sending anything.

@user139328237 that is an interesting view point. I do try to get my other DNs things they would be reluctant to splash out on. For example personalised items or items from their favourite makeup brands, or nice things for their homes. If they wanted cash, I'd be more than happy to give them cash, but they seem happy with the way things are. As a family (in the majority) we are not overly keen on cash gifts, we like to unwrap, but everyone is different.

@greenlynx you could be right. But if I did that it wouldn't go down very well with my DPs. It's already viewed as a little the tribe (the other siblings) versus them?? Mainly perhaps as the decades have gone by, one by one gives up trying to maintain contact.

Just a quick thank you for the awesome ideas, I've donated to a suitable charity - that provides support to under privileged young people, on their behalf as their family Christmas present.

I would do a huge moan to your DM about how you're trying hard and nothing is good and so on and then stop sending presents. I would do them a nice card, something personalised, and nothing more ( but the card should really stand out).

How old are the children?
Can you find out from your parents or other sibling if the children ever received your presents?
It seems odd she says £20 is too much but then sends you luxury items.
Also odd that she's sending you presents and messages when she is NC.
It's a shame the children miss out but since you've never met them a charitable donation would be fine.

I agree with PP - personalised card and charity donation in their name. If you know enough about them I'd make it a relevant charity. Otherwise perhaps just a local (to them) food bank.

@IncomingCannonFire all the siblings are in the same boat, we honestly don't know, apart from the occasional (normally chastising) text - everything has to go through our parents. Our parents will take no criticism of eldest Dsis, and they are as much complicit in it all. Nothing is going to change, and I don't expect it to, I've gone beyond hoping for that.

The kids are now in their teens, but it has always been the same. Hopefully they may want to know the rest of us, when they are older.

Just spoken to a couple of my other siblings (conference call) & the general consensus was fucking hell she will hate that, as she will view it as a dig, but it's a good cause & might as well put the money to good use. They are still considering what to do..and I've now been able to give them some cracking ideas, thanks to you lovely lot

I know you have purchased your gift now, but if your siblings go into any Oxfam shop they will be able to buy a card which details what their gift is, eg a goat, crops, educating a girl for school etc. So the card is, in effect, your gift that they will open. Prices start from £10.