People touching my premature baby

[wildhorsesrunfree]

Please don't be too harsh on me, I'm going through a really tough time at the moment. My baby was born 10 weeks premature 4 weeks ago and still in nicu.

He is doing well but obviously still not term and still very vulnerable to germs.

I can't stand anyone but me and my partner touching him. When family visits, even our parents, and they go to touch his hands or worse kiss him on the face I get so angry and so anxious. One of the grandparents kissed him on the mouth (something even I haven't done due to the risk of germs being passed on and making him ill) and I didn't know what to say so froze and didn't say anything.

I feel so guilty that I am the person who is supposed to protect my baby from harm and yet I stood and said nothing when a member of family kissed him on the lips. I feel useless and guilty and horrible.

My aibu is:

Aibu to not want people touching and kissing him?

Aibu to not have said something? and if so what can I do/say next time?

Thank you for any helpful replies you can give. I really need some objective opinions.

YANBU. My best friend’s baby was recently born 8 weeks early and I wouldn’t have dreamt of touching her without being invited to.

People don't think! Give people rules - come and visit but st the moment just watching your baby, no touching, kissing or coming if you feel under the weather due to risk if illness
Hope all goes well

Babies should never be kissed on the lips!! askdrnandi.com/why-you-should-never-kiss-babies-on-the-lips/ They can catch herpes. 50 percent to 80 percent of U.S. adults have oral herpes. You are not being paranoid I thought this way common knowledge? Don't let them near your baby again. I don't want to make you paranoid

www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/adult/infectious_diseases/Oral_Herpes_22,OralHerpes

Also a parent of a preemie born 12 weeks early and we had a rule that no one touched baby whilst in NICU from the start. We wanted our baby to know our smells only for the first few weeks.
Appreciate that’s not something you might be comfortable instigating now but you need to discuss with your partner and both tell your parents what you want.
I completely understand how out of control you feel and for a long time I wasn’t my daughters primary care - nurses were. And while they do an amazing job it’s a horrible feeling as a mother. You feel you can do very little for your baby without help.
I remember my FIL taking a photo - totally well meant - but the flash was on and poor DD startled. I think I actually shouted at him and got very distressed. Id have been fuming with anyone getting their head that close with all the germs at this time of year and totally don’t blame you for not wanting baby kissed.
Can you explain the risks to them. So many people think a prem baby is just a small baby and have no idea of all the illnesses they are vulnerable to and all the work their tiny bodies have to do to catch up with development.
It’s incredibly hard being the mum of a preemie - please please please make sure you have plenty of support and somewhere to offload

If you don’t want to take any heat, just say that medical staff have said very firmly that the baby is not to be touched, then there’s no arguing and you are not “to blame”....

Definitely no to kissing, you can say no to touching, that's a bit of a grey area perhaps, but it's ok to say no for now till everyone is more settled.

You can just say that's what the nurses/drs at NICU recommend that direct interaction is minimised until your baby is older.

Don't worry about not reacting before, it gets easier with practice, just tell them before they get chance to go to your little one what they can and can't do as it's less likely that anyone will be offended, not that they should be!

Don’t worry about being very firm with visitors. YANBU. Once DGD started to go out in her pram the consultant advised putting a sign on pram asking people not to lean in/touch .

Yanbu

Why would anyone kiss baby on the mouth esp a premie with no immunity?!

Especially now during the winter.

Maybe have a frank conversation with them and state that you are practising hygiene control with baby. Although you shouldn't have to explain. Maybe discuss it with NICU who can back you up.
You will have a bit of a backlash but its your and DPs baby and what you says goes.

Is your baby closely monitored? Maybe limit visitors and send pictures instead if they don't agree to it. Your baby only needs you or your DP at the moment for essential bonding so no one else should be holding the baby apart from NHS until baby is out of NICU.

Good luck

Group text / whatsapp message. Make the groundrules clear. Also make it clear that anyone who doesn’t want to stick to the rules will not see the baby until she’s a year old.

YANBU. Mine was 12 weeks early and our NICU did not allow visitors at all during the winter months, just me and DH. Hopefully your visitors are washing their hands very thoroughly but I agree, tell them due to the rate of winter bugs in the community the medical staff have asked that they dont touch, kiss or breathe over the baby.

My preemie is now a robust 3 year old bouncing around the place. Hang in there x

I hope you’re okay OP! Congratulations on your beautiful little baby.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Send out a group WhatsApp today politely stating due to the risk visitors will only be able to see the baby in nicu. No touching the baby. They will understand!

I'd put a message out that went along the lines of: Hi all, we've been advised due to a high risk of contagious diseases at this time of year that it is best we limit visitors and contact to the baby so to avoid him catching something when he is so vulnerable. We've been advised that it's best that only we hold him as his parents upon strict hygiene practices. We know how much you all love him and wouldn't want to see him poorly so know you'll understand. Thanks for your support.

They are idiots. Okay, yes, touching a hand after properly washing hands, if the person doing the touching isn't unwell, fine. But kissing and slobbering all over them? For fuck's sake, we're in the middle of bronchiolitis season. Normal cold bugs can be serious in babies, especially premmies.

If you're having problems getting idiot visitors to understand the basics of keeping your baby safe, have a word with the nurses. They'll happily lay down the law for you.

Oh, and congratulations on your baby. Best wishes for nice steady progress, and good weight gain.

As for the grandparent kissing a baby in nicu on the mouth... Well I'm flabbergasted. I wouldn't even do this to a healthy full term baby.

YANBU.

I had the same issue with the mouth kiss when my boys were around 5 months old, and I was still upset. I also didn’t want a big fight like you, but I made no effort to invite the person around afterward for a long time.

Thank you all for your responses and your support. I can't help worrying now that he will get ill and it will be all my fault for allowing it to happen.

I think I will speak to the nurses about it and see if they will help me out. It's hard to say something when I've not said anything so far if that makes sense. Like I should have said something right at the start :(

Bless you. Been in NICU but mine weren’t as early as yours. It’s a very fraught situation.

Could you ask the staff for some support in this? If they took your family aside and gave them a very stern talking to about infection prevention, it might have more authority and get them to pay attention. You could certainly ask them to speak to them.

Do you have a Bliss nurse on the unit? Ours did, she was fab and so supportive and totally willing to help with things like this. If you have one there, def try them.

YANBU OP. I would go down the route of texting saying that 'we've been reminded by nurses/doctors not to kiss DS and to limit touching of him to prevent the spread of germs, especially as its winter now'. Then if it happens again you can just say, 'please don't do that, remember we told you what the nurses said'.

Very stupid of them to kiss your baby in the first place. I hated people doing that to DD who was full term.

Kissing baby on mouth:
You need to say something.
Who in their right mind kisses a baby - on the mouth. That is so very dangerous. Especially a newborn or premie. But I think you are responsible now for informing them of the dangers, else they won't know / could do it again. Be polite but informative and firm if necessary.

We didn’t let anyone visit us when our 28 week premmie son was in hospital. There’s enough to worry about without people bringing in germs, let alone kissing them

@wildhorsesrunfree
Thank you all for your responses and your support. I can't help worrying now that he will get ill and it will be all my fault for allowing it to happen.

It must be so worrying but chances are your little one will be absolutely fine, he's in the very best place with 24/7 care. Speak to one of the nurses and tell her your worries, hopefully she can put your mind at rest a little. You certainly don't need more stress right now.

And it's absolutely not your fault - you didn't invite the family member to kiss your baby on the lips - I would have stood in slight shock too, as I'd have thought it was an obvious thing not to do! Common sense must have left them at that moment. It must hurt that they did this when you've refrained.

Just think of the future, you'll soon have a million hugs and kisses to implant upon him! :)

YANBU

YANBU
My DD is currently in NICU. Also born 10 weeks early.
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
I have never in my life been so meticulous about hand hygiene as I am now and I haven't and won't kiss her while she is so vulnerable.

Maybe you could ask you DC's nurse to speak to your family? I know I'd feel uncomfortable having that conversation myself.

The NICU my DD is in at the moment won't allow anyone but parents in because there's been a measles outbreak, but when they do I imagine I'll feel the same.

Congratulations by the way.

YANBU I don’t blame you one little bit, time to lay down some rules.

I know a family who’s premature baby (not born as early as yours) nearly died of the cold sore virus. Absolutely horrific for the whole family and the baby was very lucky to still be here.

I’m flabbergasted anyone one would do this with out asking.

I think the NICU nurses will have some good ideas about how to stop your relatives.