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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is NOT a fair split of holidays

27 replies

IBSworriescanitbe · 16/12/2018 12:43

Genuinely, please let me know if I am BU
So usually in holidays me and ex split week and week about, Easter, Summer etc and it usually works out ok.
This Xmas he says he wants New Year week, ok... but he also wants them Sat 22-Monday 24th then to split the day on Xmas day and to see them on the 28th as it is the only day he isn't working that week.
He got mad at me when I suggested it wasn't fair (essentially it means he will have them ten nights and me four!?), he is a controlling bully which is why I left him in the first place.
I have suggested he can have them 22nd Sat - Monday 24 and we can split Xmas day, if I can then have them Thur - Sat in the second week, meaning we would both have a run of four days.
He is acting like I am robbing him of time with his kids.
I am so angry and part of me just feels like saying he can have the kids the whole bloody holiday, but that would be awful for me and them not to get quality time together as I work four days a week.
How can I approach this, he is quite volatile so kicks off easily :(
Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
IBSworriescanitbe · 16/12/2018 16:00

Bump

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 16/12/2018 16:01

Is there a court order in place?

abbsisspartacus · 16/12/2018 16:01

Do you have a court order? Would you alternate Christmas and New year?

Caselgarcia · 16/12/2018 16:04

I would point out there are two weeks ie 14 days, which 7 would like?

Caselgarcia · 16/12/2018 16:04

He like!

Sexnotgender · 16/12/2018 16:15

Of course YANBU. As PP said there are 14 days, he gets 7 you get 7.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 16/12/2018 17:15

What do the DC want?

Original poster
IBSworriescanitbe · 16/12/2018 19:31

Essentially. He wants new year week, plus half of xmas day, plus the sat and sun on my week.
DC are 5 and 7 and would prob like to see us both.
He has the kids atm and won't answer my calls to let me speak to them as I nornally do on a Sunday. I am so upset with him!!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 19:33

Yanbu. Can't you just say no. I'm having first week. Do you have to be home for the week or can you go away?

How old are the kids and where do they want to be?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/12/2018 19:37

Do you have a court order?

In any event YANBU to suggest a 50/50 split. If you are open to being flexible, ask him which days he proposes for his 50% and take it from there.

I would also do ALL negotiations by text/email so that you have a record if it becomes an issue that requires going back to court.

Original poster
IBSworriescanitbe · 16/12/2018 20:07

I don't have a court order, generally I have them 5 nights and he two and then split holidays.
I really hate him as he was an emotionally abusive contoller so try to keep contact minimal. He is accusing me of stealing his time away but not figuring out he is teying to "steal" three of my nights. I also think how dare he, I do 90% for kids, pay for house, heating and bills, all their clothes, organise school activities, events, plus work four days a week. He pays barely any child maintenance (he and his family are rich and own lots of property but that doesn't count in calculator) and he is trying to take my well deserved quality time with my babies :(

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 16/12/2018 20:37

You need a court order.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/12/2018 20:57

You have a lot going on, OP, but don't let that cloud the issue of holiday contact.

He may be incapable of being rational (I speak from experience) but can he explain any logic to his claim that you are "stealing" his contact time?

I would be very factual with him - in writing. State the number of nights that make up the break, and proposing how you split the time. You can suggest that next year it goes the other way round. I think that is more than fair.

Celtic1hair · 17/12/2018 11:05

No YANBU. Communicate via email or text, leave the issue of payments or that may be seen as you "punishing" him. Explain calmly your proposition and leave him to respond. Keep all the evidence and get a court order in place. If he was abusive when you were in a relationship, he will continue now you have split. Minimise contact and do not allow yourself to engage with his outbursts.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2018 11:25

Yeah you need a court order. If he's not paying maintenance then you shouldn't let him see them at all really

cabbage78 · 17/12/2018 12:37

Tell him no to Xmas day..and stick to it...

HolesinTheSoles · 17/12/2018 12:39

I think you should get a court order. He sounds horrible OP Flowers.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 17/12/2018 13:11

@shoxfordian

If he's not paying maintenance then you shouldn't let him see them at all really

Sorry, but that is really bad advice - especially for someone about to embark on the Family Court system. The issues of contact and maintenance are very separate and withholding contact until maintenance is paid would go down VERY badly in the Family Court.

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 13:14

You need a court order definitely.

But in the meantime just tell him straight. He won't get any nights in the first week. I'd just stick to that tbh as he might not stick to any agreement to hand them over in week 2.

Think of the kids too. I'll be willing to bet they'd choose to be with you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 17/12/2018 13:25

If you are going to go for a court order, bear in mind that what happens this year may impact what happens next.

For example, if you make the DC available for part of Christmas day, it may set a precedent that Christmas Day is shared between you. If you do not, be prepared that next year the DC may be with him for the Christmas week and you will not share Christmas Day. No judgements on either one - but it is better to be able to think ahead and try to plan what works best for you and DC.

Unfortunately, @blackteasplease when a court order is in place the DC's preference doesn't come into it.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/12/2018 14:05

For gods sake - get a court order!
You can't expect a controlling bully to act reasonably with you!

Also, what will you do if he decides one day not to return the kids at all?
At least with a residency/court order the police will help you get your kids back.

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 14:33

No, gottastopeatingchocolate but it is a good reason to fight for what is right for their family rather than letting the ex just get his own way. Which is what I said.

blackteasplease · 17/12/2018 14:34

Do we know the age of the dcs yet? I can't see it.

Original poster
IBSworriescanitbe · 21/12/2018 10:06

Sorry they are 5 and 7 x

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 21/12/2018 11:25

I would keep calm with him and just keep reiterating that you want a fair split, factually the split is clearly unfair and don't let him get a rise out of you.