32 weeks pregnant, new home with partner but feel so alone

[Soontobemummy1]

Hello :) I am 32 weeks pregnant and have moved into my first home with my partner. I have been diagnosed with OCD a month ago and close to finishing for maternity leave from my job. Although my partner has helped me through some rough times before and during pregnancy that I am so ever thankful for I can't help but feel alone. He works full time and has worked extra hours, when he comes home he just wants to go to the gym, go see his family or watch his favourite programmes (which i feel I cant talk through as he huffs and pauses the tv). I feel the only time we have a real conversation is when he phones me on his lunch at work, but i dont just want to talk on the phone. With it being our first christmas in our new home before baby is born I was so excited that we would be able to buy our families gifts together and write on the gift tags from both of us. We agreed that we would do small hampers to save money as we need to save for baby. but he has done joint presents with his brothers for his parents spending a lot more on his family than mine. I skimped on my families presents as we needed to save and he has spent a lot more money on his family. My enthusiasm has gone for christmas, i was so looking forward to writing on the tag from both of us and next year from the 3 of us. I talked to him about it and he doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong and is calling me controlling. He has pushed aside the hampers i started that were suppose to be for his family and just concentrated on the joint presents from him and his brothers. I feel like this is going to happen next year too when baby is born. He said to me when baby is born he still wants to go to the gym 4/5 times a week after work(1.5 hrs each time) and do his hobbies, his shifts at work always change, one day he could finish at 5pm the next 9pm. I just feel I am going to be so alone when baby is born too, but if i mention anything i get called controlling and getting on my high horse for moaning. Am I being unreasonable?

I'd like to go to the gym 4 x a week & have a hobby too but I am a parent. He needs to accept his new reality.

I'd like to go to the gym 4 x a week & have a hobby too but I am a parent. He needs to accept his new reality.

Exactly this. YANBU. Unless he can suggest a way that you can also have 6/7 hours a week to do something you enjoy away from the house, plus your hobbies too? Babies change the life of both parents, or they should do anyway.

Congratulations and good luck with the new baby

Bloody hell he sounds selfish. What are his good points?!

I've got a new thread on Aibu with EXTREMELY similar circumstances about my partner prioritising hobbies above family life. I've received some really good advice on it, take a look at some of the replies as they'll apply to you too.

The gym thing is a problem
He clearly sees the baby and house as your responsibility and he will "help" when it suits him.
You are going to need to consider your options - could you manage alone? I'm not saying you should leave him now but you should always be in a position where you could leave him if you decided to- don't give up work, don't cut yourself off from family and friends, build up savings in your own name.

You should consider relationship counselling - it can help facilitate you having these important conversations.

The stuff about writing gift labels together is a bit twee - clearly it's important to you but I don't think that is a universal desire. You need to clearly and calmly explain in advance what your expectations around something are rather than assume he will just know and then being disappointed. Also true of decorating trees, singing songs etc etc - just because you think it's important at Xmas doesn't mean he will know that.

This is also true with spending - had you actually set a specific amount to send or save? Just saying "let's spend a bit less" is too vague - you need to tell him what your expectations are and discuss them.

Leave his family's gifts to him to arrange within budget.

Well there's needs to be a balance. I do remember moving in with my now dh and it was a HUGE shock to the system. I wanted to be stuck to his side 24/7 and he wanted to carry on his single life. It was bumpy to say the least but we both compromised. I also made couple of really good friends which helps too

i was so looking forward to writing on the tag from both of us and next year from the 3 of us.

This seems a strange thing to be hung up about, which makes me wonder if the other stuff is (understandably) making these things feel like a bigger deal than they are. He is already making clear to you that when the baby arrives he doesn’t intend to do his share or be an active parent. I can absolutely see why that’s making you feel that outward signs of being a unit (like the name tags) suddenly have disproportionate significance. same with him spending more money - he’s showing you your baby isn’t a priority for him.

Let the labels go, as he will just think you’re overreacting. Be very clear about what is really wrong. Ask him to explain to you very clearly how he thinks it will be fair or justified for him to go to the gym every day. Ask him how he will ensure you get equal time for your hobbies / leisure. Have this discussion now before the baby is born so he has no excuse for not knowing what he is required to do.

Dear Soontobemummy1, I created an account today after several years of reading discussion trails, just to reply to you because your story how you are feeling reminded me of my late pregnancy. You will not believe how strong you are when you start relying on yourself. There is resilience in you which you yet cannot see. But please try. There is so much you can do for yourself in preparation for your baby's arrival. You can rest, take care of your nutrition, read for pleasure. If you have an outside space now is the time to plan how it will work for you and the baby. Working hard long hours I am guessing your partner will be able to cover the expense of your healthy meals and hopefully some greenery to surround you and make you feel good. Nature is good to us women, sunshine and the smells of flowers, looking at a landscape during your favourite time of day. When you rest and have time to think without focusing on your partner's routine, will you discover something new about yourself?

I think he is not really aware what he is doing wrong and can't appreciate the work of the baby before it's here. Set your stall out now about the big things: equal hobby time, money in the shared pot, back to work on an equal basis if that's what you want. Sorry to say this, but lower your expectations about the gift card writing - and be prepared to appreciate that for lots of men this kind of stuff is frustrating and not fun. This probably applies to lots of other doting couple-y things you imagined yourselves doing blissfully in your new house. You will be a lot happier in the long run if you get the important stuff straight and learn to accept that a lot of the small stuff is just frills that he doesn't want to do.

Do you work op?

With it being our first christmas in our new home before baby is born I was so excited that we would be able to buy our families gifts together and write on the gift tags from both of us.

Did he know this and agree to it? Or was it something you pictured happening?

It sounds like you have very different systems and your expectations aren't matching up. If he does joint presents with his brothers every year, it would be strange to stop that now, I'd just expect you to be added to it too. How much you spend your parents each needs to be decided together, if you have joint finances.

Did you talk about the realities of living together before you did? It is hard; if you live with the wrong person. There's a lot of compromise in how and when you do things; now that there is two of you in the house. If he likes to spend his evenings watching TV and you want a chat; you need to find a way that works for you both. It is a negotiation.

I hope it gets better