To genuinely not be too bothered about anyone but DS and I?

[Largepiecesofcrookedwood]

I've been described in my youth as being "hard" (thanks mum) but I've never suffered fools.
DM and I have a somewhat chequered past and I feel that I'm now left dealing with the implications of having an elderly parent on my own. Our past issues are completely blanked out of history and that suits her, any suggestion that I may have questions is not tolerated. She's not a bad person, but she could easily be described as a product of the time IYKWIM?
DH is a damaged soul in his own way, and I'm increasingly frustrated by his lack of responsibility for his own wellbeing. It has an impact on our family in varying degrees, but is a constant factor. I have seriously considered leaving on several occasions- the 17 year old me would be horrified at the shit I've forgiven and forgotten. I love him deeply but feel that that things can only get worse unless he takes responsibility.
It occurred to me recently that I would be upset if something happened to either of them, but I would get over it. In contrast I would be utterly broken if anything happened to DS.
I assume I've mentally checked out of both relationships. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, I've no immediate desire to sever contact with either of them or anything else equally dramatic, yet I find myself more and more easily picturing my life without either of them in it. I've done all the tests online and I'm not in any way depressed or suffering from poor mental health, it seems my DM was right and I am indeed a hard faced cow who easily checks out of relationships that don't give me pleasure.
I'm not sure if IABU and I have some sort of bigger issue or whether I am genuinely just being true to myself

DM was right and I am indeed a hard faced cow who easily checks out of relationships that don't give me pleasure.

Which is very unhealthy.

Or...

You mentally check out of relationships that are harmful and abusive. Which is healthy.

Only you and the other people know which it is. Is 17 year old you too judgmental, or is older you worn down by people?

I think you owe it to your husband to let him know that you've checked out of the relationship and don't care about him. Let him decide if he wants to do the same.

Besides that, your choice. Don't think it's a mentally healthy way to live life and sounds miserable but your an adult. Just be aware you will impart those characteristics and values on your son as well.

I’m the same. Me, my kids, my dog. Everyone else can whistle. That said I went through a lot of abuse in my childhood which obviously impacted on how interacted as an adult; tending to put up with no end of shit from people and being too scared to confront them or assert myself. Maturity has helped me to change that and the people who got used to treating my like shit don’t like that. I’ve had to prune a lot of dead wood. I think it’s far healthier to be like this than the terrified, stressed out, mentally unhealthy person I was in my twenties.

I think that's normal, isn't it?

The 17yo me would currently be planning Christmas in my tree house in some far flung province- the current me bears little resemblance to that girl, though I'm not sure that's all that unusual
While I personally could easily limit contact with DM I won't. We are a small family and DS is very fond of her (he is the only DGC) If I cut back on our relationship she would be utterly alone and honestly, I think her choices were made out of misguided beliefs and naivety. It would just be nice if there was some acknowledgement somewhere, though I'm not sure that could undo the damage that's already been done.
As for DH, I don't really know. He's in his sixties now and all the anxiety issues I've suspected over the years have come to the forefront. We've just done the NHS depression test and he's scored 13 and 15, I'm 3 and 3. I don't want to be the person who bails when things are tough (in sickness and in health and all that) but I think there is a limit to anyone's tolerance, and I think we might be heading to that point.
I just worry I have a slightly cavalier attitude to important relationships, though my feelings for DS would seem to contradict this.

I think you sound like you know how to protect yourself and your child, which is invaluable. I also think you might be letting your DM off the hook a bit but I acknowledge I don’t know the whole situation. Can you tell us a bit more about what your DH does that concerns you (or doesn’t :)? Sometimes the line between mental health issues and selfish behavior is very blurred.

You sound perfectly normal OP, and not unreasonable at all. It sounds like you love your son very much

It’s hard to say much about your mom or husband without more context. Would your husband be willing to seek help for his anxiety and depression perhaps?

This is a wild guess so please discount if it’s off the mark. But I’m wondering if your mom, for whatever reason, was just not able to be the strong, loving, present mother that you needed growing up. And now with her advancing years, as some of the “parenting” work is transferred to you, this is bringing up various feelings. Again I could be way off course and if so, please disregard

I suppose OP as you get a bit older in life you do mentally toughen up..Your post resonates so much with me.I do not give monkeys for weak or needy people.I do not ever engage in gossip or have the slightest interest in who is doing what with whom or who is ill or who is going somewhere..it is almost like I have seen and heard it all before and I know whats coming next! I am so anti social..I care about a few people but the rest can just do one I am just not interested...I think with me its the fact that so many acquaintances,work colleagues.etc seem to create their own problems and they seem to thrive on a life full of drama...I just can;t be bothered with it.As long as my kids are ok I just feel thats enough for me...I havent checked out of relationships cos I have always been like this so I never bothered to check in in the first place...I do not feel bad saying this or feeling as I do.I have a full and happily contented life and I enjoy the life I live...I rely on me and I have no time or desire to fit in anywhere else ,,,

It's a relief to hear these replies, I worried I had hidden sociopathic tendencies

You sound similar to me.

I’ve done countless ‘am I a narcissist’ ‘am I a sociopath’ tests online as I can truthfully say that I don’t have an emotional attachment to anyone bar my children.
My mum wasn’t a very ‘there’ mother and I basically brought my younger siblings up, yet I’m never allowed to speak about my childhood as I’m ‘delusional’ and none of it ever happened. It doesn’t help that my siblings seem to take her side (or don’t want to get on the wrong side of her), but I was the one who shielded them from her behaviour and bore the brunt.

But I do worry it’s a huge defence mechanism that I’ve had in place for so long that I don’t know how to bring it down.

I don't think this is normal at all. It's only because you have been emotionally hurt that you have shut down and not let people get to you, as a defence mechanism.