I am getting to the end of my year of maternity leave. On whole this year has been incredibly happy. I have loved being a mum however there have been some moments of extreme loneliness and feeling lost. On the whole I try not to let myself dwell to much on the downs but sitting here trying to plan my son's birthday and I feel like a massive loser/failure.
In a nutshell, I had recently moved to a new town when I found out that I was pregnant and I had not built up any sort of support network/friends locally. On the whole none of my other friends have children and live many hours drive away. My family also live a couple of hours drive away, although they have been incredible. I felt pretty lonely but joined NCT to try and meet new mum mates. I met a nice gang of women and I was pretty excited starting my maternity leave about getting to know new people and making new friends (as well as having a baby!).
Shortly after I had my son he became unwell (sepsis) and was admitted to hospital. It was incredibly stressful. Thankfully, he made a full recovery and is bouncing healthy boy (which is why I feel so guilty feeling the way I do right now). It took me a while after he was discharged to feel confident about going out with him.
I tried to reconnect with my NCT group. They had all been going to lots of classes together and seemed to have all gelled as a group. I felt like a bit of an outsider but I continued to be friendly/sociable hoping that with time I'd feel part of the gang. I've met up with them fairly regularly over the past year although I always feel on the edge of the group. I tried to chat to old friends but as much it is nice to catch up our lives feel like they are in different places. I also joined a couple of baby groups but just seemed to struggle to make a lasting connection with anyone. Every so often a feeling of overwhelming loneliness would bubble up and I would start to question that maybe if there was something wrong with me but I would generally quickly quash that feeling. I have tried to stay chipper and positive. Luckily, I've had amazing support from both my husband and mum.
Coming to the end of mat leave, I'vm feeling a mixed bag of emotions. I feel really worried about my boy starting nursery and sad as a couple of my baby classes have drawn to a close.
I was planning a small party for my boys first birthday just inviting my family and the other NCT babies. Last week, I had invited the NCT group to a local christmas event that I was thinking of going to and only one person had replied, which hadn't bothered me too much until I realised that the guys that hadn't replied had all met up together that afternoon (without inviting me or saying that they were busy). I then started to question if they like me and whether I'll be invited to their parties (if they are having them). I suddenly felt very self conscious inviting them to my son's birthday and like a bit of a prize idiot.
I now feel embarased to invite people to a party that I don't think anyone will want to attend. I feel very sad that my son will not have a proper first birthday party because I seem to have become a social pariah. I just feel like a failure.