Have horrible Christmas memories and am finding it hard to engage with my own kids

[Cowcrosswalk]

I feel like a bloody Dementpr visits me every December

Seriously should I just embrace being a grinch?

That must be very difficult. I’ve no practical solutions except ‘fake it till you make it’.

Perhaps try and plan some ‘magical’ activities, they don’t need to cost the earth/ gingerbread making, Christmas songs on while decorating tree and make sure that your children have lovely memories of Christmas.

Hope the festive season isn’t too hard on you.

I used to be like that. But kind of steering into the skid and focusing on making the best Christmas possible out of new traditions has helped. About 6 years into that concerted effort I now love Xmas and really look forward to it.

Partly because I took charge of my own story and just decided the people from the past who did the bad things weren’t going to spoil it for me and my family now.

Partly because there is so much around Xmas to build something great out of.

I love Christmas but it took me a long time. My christmases as a child were about watching others get presents and being relegated to washing up. As others have said, fake it till you make it. I didn't make any effort until I had children, but by the time the youngest was three or four we loved it. I'm sixty now, and all of mine come home for Christmas because they love it.
Good luck!

I would just think about not wanting your DC to have bad Christmas memories, so hard as it might be inside I would try and make it amazing for them so they look back when they are older in a good light not how you look back on yours x

Do the opposite of whatever happened to you.
Make cookies, go on long walks with hot chocolate when you come home, buy Christmas magazines and do the activities.
Have a picnic instead of roast try and make it completely different.

Make it your own. And start with yourself.
I like having my hair done (cut&blow, nothing fancy, just tidy) and to wear a new dress at Christmas.
Sounds sad, but hear me out: I get myself a present, something I really really want. One year it was a kindle, another year it was a pair of earrings, another year it was a book and a box of chocolates. I don’t wrap them up or anything like that, but I get them out on Christmas eve and wear/use/eat them 😂.

I find that takes the pressure of expectations off.

I buy my DD a tree decoration every year, I keep them in a separate box. She will take that box with her when she moves out, but there’s a story about each and every one of those decorations and every year she puts them up she goes: we got that one from...when...do you remember? I make it a day out when we buy them.

I bake the same Christmas biscuits every single year.

I make a door wreath every year (it’s seriously really really easy).

Just little things, but make them yours :)
HTH

Use that energy you feel to spite your experiences.

My OH rarely spent christmas with his family. No mother and left in the care of a housekeeper or nanny, then boarding school- rarely picked up during holidays.

My husband died on christmas even when I was 25.

OH and I love christmas, and both want to make sure our children grow up with happy christmas memories.

OP break this cycle.

This is a time to nurture and heal yourself and to give your children memories that you did not have.

Don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers.

Speaking as the child of many ruined xmases due to the parent's own memories and feelings...

Please, please don't dwell on the past and do make happier memories for your own children.

Do all the simple things like making paper chains out of scrap paper, bake together, watch rubbish Xmas movies and tell those god awful cracker jokes. It doesn't have to be a lot but you do have to make a start.

It wasn't until I was an adult and learned that my dad's dad had died on Christmas Day eve (when he was about 21) that my own xmases made sense.

Having to tiptoe round because the slightest sense of discord would mean he would shout and stomp about. Having him practically ignore us and guests for the whole day. The drinking... not to get drunk when we were younger but it made him more aggressive. Spending the whole day with this funny feeling but not knowing what it was.

Dh's xmases were spent with parents who went out to work because they needed the money - the day attracted a higher rate of pay. Once they were old enough, he was left with his brother (10 year age gap) for the day. Dh jokes about it but I can see the hurt of not having his parents home and having fried egg for Xmas dinner.

We have a sen child too so we try and have a pressure free Xmas.

The tree goes up, received cards are stuck around. We bake together. We watch rubbish tv together. Or sometimes we all just do our own thing but in the same house. We invite dh's parents over because we want them to be with us rather than because they are an obligation.

I hope that our children feel they can talk to us too so if they aren't happy, we can help and out a stop to the ghosts of Xmas past haunting our children when they are older.

minisoksmakehardwork

Well said.

It is possible to go back and heal that "inner child", - some call it "hadow work".

In nurturing our own children and making magic happen we can nurture our past selves too, which brings healing.

shadow work

it sounds trite, but make your own traditions even if they aren't typically Christmassy. I'm not sure what sort of things you actually enjoy but do that - and in the future your kids will say 'we always went to the national gallery on the first weekend of December and had hot chocolate so I knew that was the start of Christmas' or 'we had hot dogs and stayed up late to watch Cinderella every Christmas eve'

Do something you would normally find fun and doesn't have bad memories.

I would agree with fake it till you make it but also schedule in lots of time for self care. Bath and a glass of wine, time alone, time with friends whatever re-energises you.

I feel sad at Christmas. I don’t have children and my parents both passed away in the past couple of years. I find Christmas the most painful time of year without children. Fortunately, I have a lovely husband and we have been in holiday the last few years. I still get very down about seeing families knowing I don’t have that.