To move in 4 days later than dh

[hotstepper4]

Think I just need a reality check..

I have anxiety and sensory issues which are mainly noise related, I have tinnitus, I don't like noise and it really sparks me, if I hear loud music or a dog barking or baby screaming etc I will sometimes have a panic attack, it's horrible.

We were living quite happily in our house until Sept when a lady with 2 dogs moved in, and they barked loads, hours at a time and sometimes during the night. She would sometimes play loud music too. It was my worst nightmare and I nearly had a breakdown so we gave up the house, we hadn't much money so we've been living with my dad and stepmother which has been awful, no one has any privacy and its been very unsettling for the dc.

We've just rented a new house. There's a dog next door too. There wasn't meant to be, but apparently the tenant there has one secretly. The landlord is aware and the tenant has been asked to rehome the dog, though I don't know if they will.

My nerves are just gone though. I'm terrified of the new place, I've got myself convinced that the new neighbours dog will bark or they will play music. I've asked dh to move in 5 days before me, to get the lay of the land if it were, so that if the neighbours are noisy I'll know before I get there. I know this makes no sense. My dm says I'm insane.

Aibu? I should just go at the same time as dh and dc. This anxiety is crippling me 😔

I have to say the fact your husband agreed to give up his home says a lot for him.

However as others have said, you have a responsibility here, and as hard as it sounds you need to seek further medical help, not just for the tinnitus but also the other mental health issues that have arisen.

I'm sorry I haven't RTFT, OP. My DH is training to do something medical. He was telling me the other day about a fascinating bloody boring research paper for an essay he's writing about the correlation between TMJ disfunction I think it's something to do with the muscles in the jaw?? Although don't quote me on that because I didn't really understand what he was saying and tinnitus. Have you tried seeing a chiropractor or an osteopath? Apparently getting the TMJ treated can massively reduce or even cure tinnitus. Just a thought. Happy to PM if you'd like further details.

Hi OP, I’ve done CBT for anxiety and now started hypnotherapy and it has helped me so much.

Last year I had a lot of time spent not functioning. Sleeping all the time. Panic attacks all the time. Sometimes noise was my trigger too.

It helped me SO much. I self referred through the NHS online but am paying for hypno privately.

Good luck

I cannot do this to them again.

This is certainly true. But you can’t avoid dogs forever. You need to see your doctor.

Hi OP, I have nothing helpful to add unfortunately, but just to say that I have the same issues with anxiety and noise. I've been diagnosed with GAD and have assumed it's just part of that, but maybe it's something more. It's things like the sound of the boiler, or a tap dripping, or noises from upstairs (we used to live in tenement flats) which would set my anxiety off. I'm hyper-sensitive to the noise itself, but it's also the degree to which I overreact to it which is concerning - it basically consumes all my energy/feels like it ruins my life until it's resolved. That's not me being over-dramatic. Noise affects me strongly in a physical way. I totally get why you'd move house if the noise of dogs next door was driving you nuts (and yes I KNOW it's not "the right" thing to do, but I know how it makes you feel so I understand it). Flats we lived in with anti-social noise (late night music, etc) I've ended up eventually making us move as I couldn't sleep/couldn't stand it. That happened a few times. Things that perhaps mildly annoy other people like the kids making noise on their phones when we're watching something on TV - I can't enjoy anything if there's something like that in the room (I often don't say anything. I just sit there unhappily feeling uncomfortable like a freak). The sound of a tap dripping or a noisy boiler would mean that I couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on anything else until that sound was resolved. I've tried ear-plugs, which just seem to make me obsess about sounds within my own body (heart beat, etc...). I've had CBT for the GAD, which helps with general anxiety levels but has done naff all for the sound stuff. I know it's connected to anxiety because it works in the same way. I get to a stage where - say I have a noise issue with neighbours for example - I can't enjoy anything because I'm anticipating the noise all the time. I actually wouldn't have a clue who to even see about this problem. My experience of going through your GP is that you will get a recommendation to treat the general anxiety through CBT and/or anxiety meds but nothing that directly tackles the noise issue. I think they just hope it'll go away if you reduce your anxiety levels. So I just sort of manage the noise issue in that we now live in a semi-detached house in a quiet area.

CBT can help you with how you interpret, respond to, and cope with the things causing you difficulties, so plenty of potential to help you with this.

At one point, I found this page quite helpful for panic attacks:

www.anxietycoach.com/overcoming-panic-attacks.html

Largely, because this was the first interpretation of "acceptance" that made sense to me, didn't fill me with despair, and also made me smile:

"I accept, as best I can, that I'm afraid in the same way I would accept a headache. I don't like headaches, but I don't bang my head against the wall in an effort to get rid of them, because that makes them worse. Overcoming panic attacks begins with working with, not against, my panic and anxiety symptoms."

I think you need to prepare for the fact that the dog might bark. Hopefully it won't be anywhere near the level you've come from, but dogs can and do bark every so often (just as babies cry, etc.); even if just a couple of times in a day.

Hopefully though it will be manageable for you if it's not all day long and just occasionally.

"Ear defenders etc are not really an option for me as without background noise all I hear is tinnitus which is awful."

Noise cancelling headphones and play quiet music/an audio book if there are loud noises happening around you?

So I just sort of manage the noise issue in that we now live in a semi-detached house in a quiet area.

Nothing wrong with that as a response, it's a good example of working with your symptoms to find a way you can live in the best way possible... and actually, op, despite some of the criticism, if you'd posted because of noise issues from a neighbour without saying you had anxiety/panic etc I doubt you would have had some of these harsh responses about "taking responsibility". (At what point did the neighbour take responsibility for the noise issues they were causing? Haven't seen any of the critical people here comment on their lack of responsibility for the harm inflicted on others...)

If you had a physical issue preventing you from climbing stairs anymore, you'd quite reasonably need to move with your whole family somewhere you could access. I don't see the difference between moving to an environment that is better suited to a family member's physical health and moving to an environment that is better suited to a family member's mental health.

It's actually perfectly understandable after living in such a difficult situation that caused such a high level of distress your brain would respond like this to the perceived "threat" of finding yourself back in the same situation. Your brain is trying to protect you from the threat it assesses this dog to pose, because it hasn't learnt yet that not all dogs will cause the issues you had before.

It might seem minor or trivial to some people, but it would seem to have held some level of trauma for it to have imprinted on you in this way - I would imagine because it was happening in your home and you would have felt trapped in the situation, as well as out of control, which is more associated with being left with some degree of trauma symptoms. (No, trauma is not reserved for horrific violence or only for the one person in the world who's had the worst time of us all.)

It takes longer for our brains to unlearn instinctive "threat" responses than it took to learn them originally. The panic you're describing sounds like your brain's "flee" response kicking in. With time and patience it can start to learn that you can be "safe" living next door to dogs.

Great responses, thank you.

Miss Rhubarb I was nodding all the time reading yours, it's exactly the same as I feel. It's all consuming isn't it. I think it's because home is a sanctuary, the one place that should feel safe and when it doesn't, it is life ruining.

You might find some of these online modules helpful if you want to have a go with some CBT:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

Anouk, that was such a nice, well informed post, exactly what I feel, thank you. It was traumatic for me. That's why I feel the need for dh to assess the new living area before I get there even though I know it's crazy.

Aspergers can present as anxiety and sensory issues - dog barking is something that is mentioned specifically as can be an issue. Aspergers can present very different in females. This video might help you.

Just read your brother has Aspergers - I really think you should look into it. My son has been diagnosed and I thought my daughter was completely Neuro Typically - just discovered she also has it. Girls are better communicators so learn how to communicate and without doing it intentionally masking their Asperger traits - except they then suffer from more anxieties plus they also can’t mask the associated sensory issues.

Sympathies, OP. I hate noise too. I'm surprised at the responses you're getting, basically telling you to man up and pull yourself together. A dog barking for 8 hours a day would drive most of us up the looby-loo tree and I don't think your decision to move was disproportionate at all. It's all very well to say the sensible response is to make a complaint, but I've read dozens of threads on here that make it quite clear complaining is a slow-burn solution and often doesn't work at all.

I also think having your DH move in first to get a sense of how things are going to be is a really good idea. Often just being forewarned of something can make it more tolerable, and if he reports no dog noise and no problem, that would obviously be very reassuring for you at what is already a stressful time.

I'm not convinced about Asperger's, as you seem to have experienced a sudden onset. I do think you should follow that up medically a bit more, once you're settled in your new home.