Disciplining toddler DS

[mrschristopherhayden]

Exh bought DS(2) back from contact today, he has him once a week for a full day. Whilst we were talking DS started to misbehave slightly (only small toddler things nothing major) I spotted this and said 'no thank you don't break that please' etc etc. At this point ex rolls his eyes and tells me that he's already had to 'give him a couple of smacks today for being naughty'. When asked what he meant he then said 'taps on his bum whilst being told "no".'

My issue is, DS has started hitting and slapping (me) A LOT very recently and is getting worse. I mentioned this to ex and he kind of looked at me and said 'they were only little taps on the bum' and didn't seem to find anything wrong with it.

Now I'm not saying DS is hitting and slapping because of ex - but AIBU in thinking that ex should be on my side with this, because smacking a child for hitting/slapping you is ironic and wrong isn't it? And that he shouldn't be smacking DS at all??

Any advice welcome on how to play it with him (ex) Please!!

You should have a conversation about how to approach discipline together with your ex.
Let him know if both of you react the same way of discipline then your ds will see your consistent and will more then likely have a better outcome then two separate approaches.

OP it's so hard! My husband and I were both brought up with smacks on the bum and have never had a big issue with it. Now with my 2yr old DS, my husband will sometimes smack him as discipline but I told him not to as my son also started to hit if he wasn't happy and we couldn't tell him not to if we do it. So yanbu, at all, exH should be on board - I say to my dh I have my son most of the day and won't allow any violence (especially with a small newborn ds2 around) and he needs to learn to communicate and discipline ds1 without smacking. Zero tolerance. I have shown my dh how I discipline him, time out, and how it works for my ds so maybe worth having a calm sit down chat about it rather than in the moment when everyone is upset?

If you don't want him smacking your child speak up and say. You must have an agreement on how your child is disciplined. My husband and I are against smacking but I know my SIL does use smacking so I've made it very loud and clear that no one disciplines my children like that. IMO it says to kids if you can't get through to someone then hitting is okay and it's not

There is nothing wrong with your husbands actions BUT you both need to be on the same page as to how discipline will happen in the future.

Right, so your little one will quite rightly be told no we don't hit but then it's perfectly acceptable to smack him????

@Huntawaymama that's exactly what I was trying to get through to my ex.

To be honest, DS has only very recently started doing it and as far as I can gather it's only to me. I actually asked ex 'has he been hitting you?' And he said no so I said 'well he's been hitting and slapping me a lot' I'm not saying he's learnt it from ex smacking him or anything it's just it's very sudden strange out of nowhere behaviour DS has always been very gentle and loving.... maybe a serious chat is the way to go

@Brummiegirl15 exactly. I don't know what ex had smacked him for he just said he was 'being naughty' but I do t smack him at all certainly not after he's just slapped me round the face!! As I said in my OP it's wrongly ironic

There is nothing wrong with your husbands actions

There really is. Where I’m from you could stop your ex having contact based on his actions and he could be brought before a court!

You need to set time aside to have a calm conversation with him about how you both intend to discipline your DS. Honestly though, I would find it very, very hard to stay calm if anyone (including my DH) was physically violent towards my child. I have a two year old also and I know how difficult they can be at that age, but it made my stomach lurch reading your post.

Well I’m afraid in England it is perfectly legal and largely accepted when reasonable anywhere but on mumsnet.

Does he go to nursery/preschool?
We don't smack DS but he has gotten very hitty since being in the preschool room with older children.

I agree though you can't really say don't hit and then hit them! DS is the loudest 2 year old ever and I have to stop myself from shouting 'stop shouting!'

I live in England and it’s pretty unacceptable in my circle, I think (hope) it’s only a matter of time before England comes up to speed with this one.

I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to my child. Why does he have 'contact' with his son? Is it something court ordered? Sounds like he needs to access some support - routinely hitting a two year old is pretty much frowned upon these days. For good reason

DS goes to nursery, but I've asked them about it and he's fine there they've not noticed him hitting or slapping etc. He doesn't to any of my family etc it's just me - it's just us at home tho so it's probably a playing up for mum toddler thing! I'm handling it at the moment by giving him a firm no, reminding him to be nice/gentle and/or walking away from him I'm hoping he'll grow out of it. But I can't help but think it's not helped by his dad giving him the odd smack (btw - I don't know the reasons for this or how hard he has done it)

Contact is not court ordered, we've done everything just us since we split up everything has been fairly civil, but he's got a new baby with his girlfriend now so recently things have become very much 'I have a baby now therefore I am super dad and know EVERYTHING ' etc with regards to access, overnight visits and contact etc. I don't believe it at all, a 2 month old baby is very different from a 2 year old toddler! He knows nothing still imo!

A good book that helped with my toddler is 'hands are not for hitting' I read it to him alllllll the time to reinforce

I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to my child.

But it's not just the OP's son. And whether you agree with it or not, her ex isn't doing anything illegal.

Why does he have 'contact' with his son?

Because he's the father?

A good book that helped with my toddler is 'hands are not for hitting' I read it to him alllllll the time to reinforce

This is a great book.

Maybe get a copy for his dad also...

I do think it's pretty ridiculous that some adults still believe that using their superior strength to hold and smack a child that has done wrong, will work in teaching them decent behaviour. All it teaches them is that bigger and stronger people can hit smaller weaker people without any consequences. DD is two and can be a handful but there has never been a time where the solution would be to hit her. I don't know anyone who hits their children, and I don't know anyone my age who was hit as a child, it would certainly be considered abusive in our circles. It may not be illegal to hit children, but it is morally wrong. I'd be having serious chats with your ex about smacking and teaching your DS contradictory and confusing things with this form of discipline. I would hazard a guess the hitting is used as discipline through laziness, it's not hard to try to get through to a child why their behaviour is not acceptable without hitting but it takes more effort than smacking.

ust a better player Well I’m afraid in England it is perfectly legal and largely accepted when reasonable anywhere but on mumsnet.?
What planet are you on?
Ask any child behaviourist, psychologist, health care worker, school teacher, social worker.
The answer is NO. Legal or not it does not work, it teaches children to use violence. There are better ways to encourage good behaviour. So many people equate the word discipline with punishment. It actually means Guidance, Hence Disciple. Ask yourself what that tells a child.
If he bites he will get bitten back? There are also better ways to get good behaviour from a dog!

I was thinking of asking him wether he'd smack his baby if he were crying and if he said no I wouldn't then I was going to say well you don't smack DS then but I realise they're different things. Same principle tho I guess....