To ask how having DC 2 effected your relationship with DC1 - the good and bad

[Jellybabie3]

As I am at the point of wanting a second. My DS is 14mo. A little bit of me wonders whether I want a second or just my time again with number 1. I also dont want my relationship with him to change with less time..

So far (I have baby under 3 months old) it's just time, baby is very demanding of my time and I can't just go and play when older child wants to.
There's 4 years between them though so older child is able to understand a bit more.
DH helps out and takes baby for short periods of time so I can have 1-1 with older child. This is important for both me and child. As well as DH bonding with baby.

Following as in a similar situation tho dd is 2.5.

It was nothing but good for me. My son was 2.4 when my daughter was born and he was over the moon. They are adults now and are still extremely close. Our relationship didn't change at all.

I feel like I'm in the thick of it atm. I deliberately left a big'ish gap (just over 3 years) as I wanted plenty of quality and 1 to 1 time with dd1. I've kinda shot myself in the foot. DD2 is 6m now and still very demanding, if not more so than when she was tiny as it's a real struggle to get her to nap with dd1 around. I breastfeed to and find myself crying atleast once a week as I'd love some alone time with dd1. DD2 will not settle for anyone else atm. Obviously we do things and play the three of us but I miss the dynamic of the two of us. We did so much together and although we still have the best relationship I miss her. Doesn't help that she's now in nursery 3 days a week. It'll get better though. Going to ask husband to accompany us to the shopping centre tomorrow and take DD2 for a walk around for an hour or so so dd1 and I can get a milkshake and do some Christmas shopping just us. I could have stopped after 1 child, I love DD2 more than words can say and although I'm finding it hard just now I wouldn't have it anybother way

Dc2 has massively negatively effected dc1 in lots of ways and also my relationship with dc1.
Dc1 was infinitely happier and better off as an only one.

My DD1 was 21 months when DD2 arrived and then DD2 was 2.3 when DD3 arrived. I admit they have missed out on some attention but I truly believe it's made up by them having siblings. They are the best of friends and watching them interact is one of the best things about being a mum.

there's 6 years between mine and it too 4 years of fertility treatment to get no2

by the times he came no 1 was ecstatic as he waited so long for him

now they are 14 and 8 and ive never had 1 row between them

i think not having babies close is what did it as all the baby,toddler and preschool years i could concentrate 100% on that child at the time

Dd2 has added hugely to dd1's quality of life. They enjoy each other's company, and having someone to play with is great for her.

I'm also aware that they have a lifetime to support each other.

I’ll never regret having a second. But it’s hard. I miss time with DD who’s 3.5 and she’s acting up at the moment because she’s missing me
DS is 1 and has a cold so is very demanding at present.
Dp does all Dds bedtimes and most care and I sort DS, still breastfeeding to sleep.
I feel constantly guilty at the moment but I’m sure it’s good to get better. 🤞🏻

Gosh it does sound hard. Thanks for being so honest. some of your stories express exactly what I am worried about, especially 'missing' DS. I absolutely adore him and hate even our very busy days when I feel I havent had much 121 time so I am concerned how I would feel. I certainly would hate to have another and 'regret' it. But I also never envisaged only having one and coming from a childhood of lots of siblings, I know how nice it is to have others to play with. My son is very sociable at play groups.

How did you know the time was right to try for number 2?

Dc2 has massively negatively effected dc1 in lots of ways and also my relationship with dc1.
Dc1 was infinitely happier and better off as an only one

[sad]@Cheekysquirrel

Judging by my sister and others the first year is awful for the first child. Until second child can do more interesting things the first child suffers. However.....from age 2 first child gets playdate and has amazing positive effect on both children. Just need to ride it out!

I have a 3.5 age gap. During my pregnancy DP took DD1 out a lot more often so they now have a very close bond. She definitely prefers him to me so that was some positive preparation we did.
She is at a difficult age anyway so I'm not sure if I'd be finding her hard work anyway but with being tired etc I am probably far less patient.
We have realised she is hugely spoilt though so it's been good to realise this and start thinking about how it's going to be down the line when the baby's needs will have to come into consideration.

20 months between my two. Massive massive guilt when ds2 was born. I desparately tried to keep talking to and touching ds1 while carrying the baby around. Ds2 very ‘high needs’ baby and both full time at home with me so relentless. Ds1 however never seemed bothered at all I think all the guilt was in my head.
Now ds1 is 3.5 and ds2 is 22 months and ds2 toddles round everywhere after his big brother. Big bro always looks after him too. So in summary, I found it so so hard and it has taken a long time but for me, totally wonderful now, and my relationship with both is great (and hopefully forever after!!)

If you’re concerned I think I’d try to have as small a gap as possible. When I found out I was pregnant with DC3 (1 & 2 are twins) I sat and sobbed because I felt so guilty. I thought they’d think I didn’t love them enough!

Anyway, DTs adore their brother. They were 2y8m when he was born and so none of them remember a time before they were a three. Siblings can be a wonderful blessing.

I'm not sure it's the age gap that makes the difference, it's how much time you and DP will spend with each of them. We have a 3 year age gap. If anything DH has overcompensated and spoilt DD who is 3, and newborn DS can end up in the background. I was a second child, so I'm constantly trying to even things out on behalf of DS! So it's not easy but also not uncontrollable to keep your relationships healthy with both.

it sounds really tough. I am glad I asked as its definately food for thought.

Albeit my period is unexpectedly 6 days late so this could be out of my hands (that said I have only had 3 periods since DS slowed bfeeding so may just be my body responding strangely).

I think mum guilt has a lot to factor for here though based on some of your responses. I was the last of 4 and didnt know any different although I did find the eldest was always the favourite with our relatives and spoken kost fondly of, most photos etc. I think everyone was bored by the time I came along!

I have a 4yo and a 6 week old baby. DC1 was desperate for a sibling and is thrilled to finally have one. We haven't seen any jealousy or competing for attention. We've been sure to actively involve her in the care of the baby and give lots of praise for being such a kind and helpful big sister etc. We've also made sure we both get regular 1:1 time with DC1, take it in turns to read her bedtime story as we've always done etc. Keeping her day to day routine the same as far as possible so she doesn't resent the baby for turning her world upside down has also been important, it's not always easy but it's doable.
One advantage of having a fairly big age gap is that DC1 is old enough to understand that she sometimes has to wait a little while for me to play with her or do things for her if I'm feeding or changing the baby and is generally very accepting of this. I don't feel that it has negatively impacted on our relationship in the slightest. There are times when I'm perhaps a bit less patient with DC1 due to the sleep deprivation but I find the best thing to do is own up to that and say "I'm sorry, mummy's a bit grumpy this morning because I'm tired" then lots of cuddles and move on from it.

I am in the same position as CheekySquirrel. I literally mourned for my poor DD1 she was only 2 when DD2 came along and from day one this much anticipated little sister screamed non-stop and from as soon as she was able to comprehend how to do it, insisted "my turn" and "me first" with everything. DD1 took years of it and it stripped her of her little carefree personality. She became a different child.

I think its only now some 18 years later things are beginning to even out, but I feel I handled it very badly. I suppose the thing is OP you just can't tell. I get the feeling that if you have 3 or 4 DCs this might not happen in the same way - it all becomes diluted.

Mine are 5and 7 now. They love each other so much, look out for each other, share, care, enjoy each others' company. I sometimes felt I was underparenting #2 as I didn't do much for him as # 1 did it all. I did make #2s nap time a special time for #1 and me to do something together (usually crafts) so #1 still got special mummy time every day. We gave elder sibling all the credit for #2, let her introduce him to extended family etc. She didn't name him though, we have limits!

By did it all, I don't mean nappies, I mean fetching toys, playing, and eventual helping with clothes! Also helping with crafts, and basic tasks.

Love51 - my DD1 did lots of stuff for DD2, and turns out she resented it. She said first of all she thought oh well she is a baby I must help her then when she was a bit older she thought hang on, when I was that age I didn't get any help!

Yes, there was a period of upheaval, confusion, dc1 torn between pleasure in the new sibling and jealousy. But then a good deal of joy in seeing the pleasure they got from one another. And finally, a reassurance, seeing that they are able, as adults, to talk to each other and confide in each other at times when, for one reason or another, they can't confide in me. And the knowledge that that support will be there long after I am gone.

I was also a younger child in a family with 4 children. And yes, of course my elder brother got more toys and attention. But I'm 55 now: I don't really need those toys. What I do need is another adult who shares my memories, knows the same jokes, won't accidentally get lost on the way as friends can so easily do, and will be there for me one day when I stand in my parents' empty house. And I've got 3 of those.

I think you can make an enormous difference in the early days of sibling-hood, by being patient with your elder child- but also by accepting that the jealousy is there and, like chicken-pox, it's just another part of parenting that you may have to sit out. You can't make chicken-pox go away by being the Perfect Parent, but it usually clears up in its own time without too many complications.