To go NC with my parents

9 replies

xmasbaba2014 · 15/12/2018 14:18

Ok maybe this should be in relationships but I really want people to be honest and tell me if I'm overreacting. I have 4 DC's, youngest two have autism and ID. I split with their (very abusive) dad 3 years ago.
My parents weren't particularly supportive after the separation but I'm quite an independent person so just got on with it by myself.
The main thing that has annoyed me is their lack of interest in the kids. My youngest girl had her autism assessment recently. They knew it was happening but never rang or text to see how it went. They live 5 minutes down the road but never visit, this is despite knowing that it's difficult for me to bring the younger girls anywhere as they find it really overwhelming and stressful being in unfamiliar places. So I've accepted all this and maintained a fairly low contact relationship with them. The only contact we really have now is if I ring them or we happen to bump into each other at my mum's work place or in town.

A year ago I got into a relationship with a woman. The relationship is great, we've met each others kids, plan to move in together next year etc. My parents don't acknowledge the relationship, my dad doesn't at all, my mum does but barely. They haven't met her. Mum called me the other day to see if I'm coming down Christmas day with the kids. I told her I'll let her know over the next couple of days because my gf and her daughter are calling in but I wasn't sure what time. I then commented that I must arrange a day for us to all meet for coffee or something so they can meet her. She immediately said "Well not at Christmas" So in other words she wants me and the kids there but not my partner. At this stage I don't know what the point is in continuing a relationship with my parents. They don't care about my kids, they're not bothered about my happiness...aibu in firstly turning down the Christmas invite and also just not bothering to force this relationship with then any more? Also in my will I have them down as guardians for the two youngest if anything happens to me. If I change this I will have to look at setting up a respite family through their service provider who could then take over their care if I died (their dad has addiction issues so couldn't). However I can't see that they'd be better off with my parents tbh as they have made no effort to get to know them or their needs.

OP posts:

PowerPantsRule · 15/12/2018 17:19

We went NC with DH's parents and it was the best thing we ever did. I say go for it. They don't sound terribly welcoming.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/12/2018 17:23

I would go for it. You don't even need to have a big announcement. Just say that you're prioritising your own nuclear family. It will probably be liberating to know that you have no expectations of them so they can't keep disappointing you.

Snowwontbelong · 15/12/2018 17:23

Both me and dh are nc with both sets of dps.
Life is great.
Dc don't miss out.

Hohocabbage · 15/12/2018 17:46

They phoned you and askd to see you and the kids at Christmas. Thats not no interest. They are obviously not close to you amd may never be but some occasional contact may still be of more benefit to you and the chikdren than none at all. Was there a time when things were better between you?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/12/2018 17:52

If they aren't unkind or abusive then I think it is worth keeping some kind of contact. I also believe children benefit from a relationship with their GPs providing again there is no abuse. That sometimes means a bit of give and take on both sides.

Vivaldi1678 · 15/12/2018 17:52

I would just keep it at low contact. Maybe sit down with your mum and have a heart to heart. Silence doesn't solve anything, in my experience.

Original poster

xmasbaba2014 · 15/12/2018 17:57

No, things were never really better. There was more contact but in hindsight that was because I made all the effort. I phoned every few days and visited at least once a fortnight. Since I had the younger children and wasn't as free to do the visits I started to realise how little effort they make. They always invite us down at Christmas. They refuse to come here despite me inviting them. They won't accept that it's difficult for the kids to be away from their own home even though they have witnessed how distressed they get. I suppose that's what I'm trying to get my head around, whether to continue this kind of civil low contact relationship we have at the moment. I just think that refusing to accept my relationship is hurtful and is a terrible example to my older kids who are teen and preteen ages but have accepted the relationship and genuinely like my partner.

OP posts:

helpmum2003 · 15/12/2018 18:21

I would go with your gut feeling. Taking DDS somewhere they'll be distressed doesn't sound ideal...

It may be your parents can't cope with a same sex relationship - that is relatively common amongst older generations. But they sound unsupportive in other areas too

Beaniebaby4 · 15/12/2018 18:57

If you feel like the little contact is doing yourself or your family harm then yes go NC.
I went NC with my father in my teens now little contact since DD and I don’t regret it but once it’s done things won’t be the same so just be aware.
You can say no to them and say there will be no further discussion too. Especially with the Christmas thing if they won’t allow your partner. Set some very clear boundaries around visiting and your partner too that aren’t up for discussion!

Flip