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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask what consequences you'd set for this teenager

27 replies

GingerBreadBaskets · 15/12/2018 12:44

Young teenager, in first year of secondary school (we arent in the UK and they start secondary later here), thought things were going quite well, seemed to have friends and be coping generally ok with homework etc apart from a few forgotten bits. A few days ago he sheepishly admitted to having skipped computer class a few times, after talking he admitted to missing 5. I told him to fess up to the school and face the consequences. Got a call from the school to say he had also skipped another class for the last 5 weeks that has the same teacher as computers and we would be called in to discuss where to go from here but they would look at his attendence in all classes before the meeting. He has since admitted to skipping a maths class and a few geography ones too. The meeting with the school is next week but at home we have taken away his phone and the games console and we are discussing whether we give all the xmas presents bought for him. There could well be more consequences once we have spoken with the school and have the full picture - we feel we cant trust him now to tell us the full truth.

We'd like to get some idea of how other parents would tackle this. What consequences would you put in place?

OP posts:
OneMoreNameHiccup · 15/12/2018 12:46

I'd want to find out why he's skipping classes before thinking about punishment. Is everything alright at school?

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 12:49

I wouldn't have taken anything away at the moment, I'd want to sit down and talk first and find out why - what is happening in the classes that is causing a problem?

Fluffyunicorns · 15/12/2018 12:49

i would be querying with the school why they did not know where their pupils where during the school day.
If he has started at 13 you are obviously actually paying for them to supervise him.
But you need to find out if he is skipping because he is unhappy or because he now knows he can and just cant be bothered because he wont get pulled up on it.
Punisment will depend on the answer to this. My daughter was skipping classes but that was because she was in the toilet crying. It was help she needed not punishment. (same school year as yours I guess)

freddiethegreat · 15/12/2018 12:50

I would be very worried & wanting to talk in depth about why with both him & the school. I would leave school to sanction actively but be having lots of in-depth chats (at inconvenient times) & be heavily restricting freedom until I understood why & had reason to believe he could be trusted to be independent.

OneMoreNameHiccup · 15/12/2018 12:56

To add - I was in a lot of trouble at secondary school. Skipping classes, behaviour problems etc. It was all a cry for help, I was being abused by a family friend and bullied at school.

No one ever asked if I was okay, they just punished and punished.

I think schools have a duty of care to get to the root of behaviour problems.

I'm not saying he's being abused, but is he finding school overwhelming? Is he frightened of a certain teacher? Avoiding classes because of a fellow pupil? Is he being pressured into skipping classes by someone?

YABU to think about punishment first before finding out if he's okay. Kids rarely just choose to not go to classes for the sake of it.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2018 12:58

Look deeper first. Fair enough take screens away for now but not the xmas presents. Something is wrong and you need to find out what before you come down hard.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2018 12:58

Find out first! You've punished some already. Do you know why he did it? What has he said?

And why hadn't the school noticed? Where was he?

And no. You leave Christmas out of it.

Frenchfancy · 15/12/2018 12:59

The phone is reasonable as without a phone he may find skipping class a bit dull. I certainly wouldn't be removing Xmas présents. He is skipping for a reason and you need to find out what it is. He needs to know you are on his side even if you don't approve of his methods.

ragged · 15/12/2018 13:00

Punishment isn't working. I've tried it myself with similar issues, but not with much success, either.

Need to help him find motivation to go, or remove whatever is making him think he shouldn't bother.

Kikidelivers · 15/12/2018 13:00

Punishment last thing on my mind at the moment.

It would be all about “why?”

GemmeFatale · 15/12/2018 13:01

He confessed without promoting. I’d assume that’s because there’s actually a reason he’s skipping classes and he needed a way of asking for help without saying ‘help me mum’.

Help him.

Needsmorebeans · 15/12/2018 13:03

As others have said, you need to find out why he is skipping and go gently with him. He could be getting bullied, suffer from anxiety, lots of reasons could be making school really difficult for him. If you don't identify and do something about his reasons, he could become a school refuser and no amount of punishment will help.

I8toys · 15/12/2018 13:13

Agree with everyone above - find out what is happening - why these particular lessons - bullying, disagreements with teacher, finding the subjects difficult - could be a number of reasons. There are reasons why they act out and you need to be kind and home needs to be his safe place.

GlassSuppers · 15/12/2018 13:14

I used to skip specific classes and it was because I was being bullied and the teachers of those classes were crap so the bullying was worse in those lessons.

Dig deeper with this. My parents punished me for it and it made me resent them for years.

I'm almost 30 now and am almost over my awful school experience. Almost.

I'd bet there is more to it than meets the eye, especially if it's a certain teachers lessons he's missing.

speakout · 15/12/2018 13:15

He does not need punishment!!

FFS what is wrong with some parents.

You think you can punish a child into being motivated or becoming happier or resolving the problem that is causing him to skip classes?

I despair..

Kolo · 15/12/2018 13:17

Yep, find out why. I’d be really worried. Is it the teacher (as 2 of the classes have the same teacher?) or a child in those lessons? He’s told you about this and I’d see that as him asking for your help. A teenager is still young and vulnerable; it can be a really stressful time to navigate. What’s his behaviour like otherwise? Is this out of the ordinary? I don’t think punishment is the answer here, he might be reluctant to tell you anything ever again.

Have a meeting with the school to discuss anything he’s disclosed to you and find a solution as a team effort. I’d be wondering how school never noticed? I truanted loads as a teenager and it was never picked up, but these days there’s a register in every lesson (I was a secondary teacher). There’s almost no way someone could have truanted my lesson and I’d not notice.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 13:20

There is a reason he is skipping classes, I would avoid punishment at this stage until you find out what's going on. Is he being bullied, is he struggling with understanding what's going on, are there any learning/comprehension issues.

I would sit him down and let him know that he can tell you anything and you just want to help him. Boys can be very emotional at this age and react badly and strangely at times to things. He may be overwhelmed by school and that can be dealt with, it's important that he knows he can talk to you about anything.

Obviously if it turns out that he is messing about with alcohol or drugs that's a different issue and will need dealing with, there are lots of counselling groups and ways of dealing with that.......because that is usually triggered by the issues above or emotional issues.

Stormy76 · 15/12/2018 13:22

Please don't punish him, that will just push him away. He is asking for help by telling you all this.

AppleKatie · 15/12/2018 13:26

TF everyone else is on my wavelength.

Stop with the consequences and talk to him. Find out what’s going on.

Escolar · 15/12/2018 13:28

Where is he when he should be in class? Is he present for registration, but then doesn't turn up to these specific classes (rather than missing a whole day)? I'd want to know who he was with and where they were.

Pinkyyy · 15/12/2018 13:29

I completely agree with PPs, you need to get to the bottom of why he was doing it (and also why the school didn't know/alert you). Absolutely do not take away Christmas presents

ILiveInSalemsLot · 15/12/2018 13:32

I agree with others. I wouldn’t be punishing him.
Find out What is going on.
Why is he doing this?
Then come up with solutions that will work for him.

Fairylightfurore · 15/12/2018 13:32

Is he skipping on his own ( in which case does he have a problem with the teacher or who is he meeting? ) or with others ( in with the wrong crowd). Don't be hard on him now, but you do need answers.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2018 13:39

Are you coming back, op ?

Original poster
GingerBreadBaskets · 15/12/2018 15:20

Thanks all. I posted before going out xmas shopping, sorry for the delay. We have asked why and the main reason was they are grumpy teachers. We have spoken to him calmly to find out why, he says there is no bullying or anxiety or anything else going on, but I think I might need to give him extra help organising himself - I have been asking him every morning and evening if he has everything already but hes always in such a rush to get back to youtube that he rushes everything and often forgets things in the rush. I agree with not taking away the presents, it was more dh that was leaning towards that. We will keep the phone off him for now but maybe introduce the console back in once we have triple checked all work is done. I have wondered about anxiety but we have spoken over the last while and he keeps assuring me he feels fine. We have very open lines of conversation, we have spoken about all sorts of thingsm and I think the fact he opened up to us is good. Youre right we need to not react too harshly else we could jeopardise it.

OP posts:
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