To not want to go back to work?

[KonaMum]

I’m 3.5 months into 9 months maternity leave. Thinking about going back to my job makes me feel a panicky and miserable. I’m incredibly fortunate that we have family who are more than happy to cover childcare and we can JUST about afford for me to go back on 22.5-25 hours per week (it will mean no holidays, no savings, no treating ourselves but the bills etc will be paid with a little left over). I just don’t want to do it at all. My degree is specifically in the healthcare profession that I work in and there isn’t a lot else I could do unless I had some start up money to start my own business and even then I feel like I’d have to come up with something very unique as the market feels fairly saturated in my area with the kinds of things I could actually do. I’m the higher earner currently and I already feel guilty about dropping my hours but I really can’t face missing out on my little boy growing up to do a job that I have completely fallen out of love with and makes me incredibly stressed and anxious. DH has applied for a couple of new jobs recently (he’s already management level but the pay in his industry is just shocking unless you’re right at the top) and I’m clinging onto the hope that he might get one of these (would mean a £7,000 pay rise at least) just to give us some leeway.

How do people afford to be SAHP? Or even how do you change career without taking a massive pay cut?!

My 'solution' was to have another soon afterwards so I was on maternity leave and home with them both. I was back at work full time for 18 months.

As it was my job was made redundant just before I went on mat leave with my youngest. I was then able to be redeployed into a role working part time evenings. So I was home in the day with both boys.

By the time your DC is in school, there's not as much need to be home in the day. I didn't think so anyway. So I've recently gone back full time into a completely different role with the same company.

Can you go back part-time?

From personal experience, I would in no way recommend giving up your job and becoming dependent on someone else. It is not nice knowing that you have more to lose from the end of the relationship than the other person. Rely on yourself, not someone else. You have guarantees about how anyone else will behave in the future, and mumsnet is full of posts from women who became dependent on men who left them.

Both of you having jobs is also insurance in case one of you is unable to work in the future/made redundant. It also means you have more cash to support your kids as they grow up.

I didn't want to go back to work either, but really, you do get used to it and it even becomes quite nice to get a break from young children too!

That should have said you have NO guarantees

I agree I remember the panicky feeling well - and like you I had family covering the 2 days I needed to go in (and 1 from home).

The truth is you do get used to it and now they are both at full time school I enjoy it

Wait until you are closer to the time. Early on I couldn't imagine ever wanting time away from my 1st, but once we got to the toddler years I was desperate for any job to give us both some space. I was a happier better parent with a sense of me as something other than mum!

I get you, I wish I had a big money pot so I never have to go back. After dd1 I planned to go back part time but hated the idea of it. My husband was very supportive, he's a farmer and said we'd get by if I didn't go back, just. I'd have to do some farm work but not all the time. I was worried about not earning so did plan to go back. I went in for a meeting to discuss my back to work date and literally as I walked through the work door I decided no I wasn't going back. It's really hard financially, farm life is amazing but it doesn't pay. DD2 is 6m and unfortunately I am going to have to find a job next summer/autumn as we just can't afford it. I hate to think of someone else looking after my kids when they're so young. Crossing my fingers for that lottery win which I don't actually play for

You need to make sure you and your partner decide together. Being a SAHP will only work if your partner is happy to be the only ewrner. Don't forget that is a very big responsibility to put on someone.

Its only been 3.5 months, don't make any decisions yet, you may feel differently after 6 or 7 months.

I personally would not be happy if my partner said to me he wated to be part time or stay at home and we would only just be scraping by, no holidays, no savings etv you listed. To me that is not living.

I went back to work full time after 10 months and i am loving being me again for 8 hours a day. Then i get to go home and be mum again, but it has been nice to have some time off from nappies and bottles etc every day.

I think the main issue is specifically not wanting to do that job. I know not everyone can do something they love and it’s called work (and not fun time) for a reason so IABU but I just feel like it’s so much responsibility and stress.

I really can’t face missing out on my little boy growing up to do a job that I have completely fallen out of love with and makes me incredibly stressed and anxious

WOH does not mean you "miss out on your child growing up", especially if you only work 22 hours a week!

I think the issue is that you don't like your job and already find it stressful, even without factoring in leaving your little one. If going part time is already leaving you stretched to have any savings then it doesn't sound as though SAH is an option so I would focus on changing careers. Could you visit a careers advisor to help you explore your options?

I found the anticipation of going back to be far worse than actually going back. My job wasn't making me happy so I changed career a few months after returning and I couldn't be happier

I didn’t go back. Time feels too short, didn’t want to leave him. I do some part time evening stuff for our extra ££ and it works out really well. I know I’m lucky. If i could afford it, every time, I’d definitely choose to stay at home until dc goes to school.

I felt exactly the same, when I got pregnant with DS my plan was that I was going to take a 5 year career break until he started school. I was in a job that I hated, my manager was a bully towards me & I'd been stressed out for about 2 years before getting pregnant. A month before I was due to start my maternity leave my husband started being ill, he went blind on his way to work, we spent nearly all that month going backwards & forwards to the doctors & hospital trying to get a diagnosis. He was diagnosed with MS just after I finished work & as he had a heavy job that involved working with dangerously hot steel & one wrong move could have killed someone, he had to be signed off long term. This meant I had to change my plans & go back to work after being off for 10 months, when I contacted work I asked if I could go back working 18 hours a week & if I could be moved to a different department, they agreed & I started back at work when DS was 9 months old. Once I was back at work I found it very hard as I was training for a new job, caring for DS & my husband who by then was badly disabled, when I wasn't at work. I would go to work & then get a phone call that he had fallen or was unwell & I would have to dash home. I couldn't keep up with the training, I was only working 3 long mornings a week, by the time I had caught up on a Monday reading all my emails from the days I was off, reading memos that I had missed, 1 of my 3 mornings had gone, I was stressed out, not sleeping & was even more unhappy. I decided to ask to revert to the grade below my current job, because I was part time it ended up I was less than £100 a month worse off, I had less stress & was moved to a job I had done for years, I didn't need any training & was under a lot less stress. If my husband was ill & I needed to take time off to look after him, it didn't matter as I knew the job inside out. Have you thought of asking for a slightly lower grade job when you go back? The cut in pay might be less than you think, if you are getting child benefit & tax credits this may make up your difference in pay, plus you won't have to pay for as much childcare & have more time with your baby.