Last November I went NC with my mother. It's been a long time coming after a lifetime of emotional abuse. I don't want to drip feed so this is long, I'm sorry. My parents divorced when I was 11. My dad remarried when I was 15. My stepmum is amazing, one of my best friends. My mother has resented her from the moment she came on the scene. She sees her as the woman who destroyed her family (divorce proceedings were underway when they met, my dad was definitely not going back to my mum, my mum hadn't accepted that). She loathes both my dad and stepmum and has decided that it is disgusting that my brother and I allow my stepmum to be called Nana. Apparently it makes her relationship with them less special. My stepmum is devoted to the children and has been in their lives for as long as she has.
For me the last straw was her sending me abusive text messages and blaming me when my brother wouldn't do something she'd demanded of him (we're both in our 30s). My brother lives 150 miles away and I was at work with my phone switched off on this particular day. I hadn't been involved at all but turned my phone on to find message after message. I ignored them as I was used to these rages. Telling me she wanted no contact with me or my DC. Then the next day sending messages apologising. Then when I didn't respond to those, going back to the abuse. And rinse repeat. She was due to come to visit (she lives 100 miles away) the following weekend and after ignoring all her abusive and remorseful messages as they were typical of her, I sent her one to confirm that she was coming two days before, without mentioning them. She responded in the affirmative and said she was looking forward to it. The next day she had another row with my brother and sent me a message telling me that she wasn't coming down, she didn't want to. I politely responded that that was a shame, but okay.
Then the messages started again. She was sending both my brother, my SIL and I messages telling us how awful we are and how we've hurt her so badly. She even sent one message to my SIL saying that my nephew was the only one who felt like a real grandchild to her (I have two DSs who are older than my nephew and she's always doted on them). For me, enough was enough. I sent her one message asking that she leave me be and blocked her. When she couldn't get any response from me, I then had my Nan and uncle on at me. My uncle calmly said that he was supporting her, my Nan (whom I have an amazing relationship with) shouted at me every time I rang her. My mum has been lying about me. Recently I had an 11 page letter from my mother. 11 pages of lies, fantasy and reasons why she's justified.
Last Christmas she put money in my account for the DC. I put it in their bank accounts. She left birthday gifts for them at my Nan's in the summer. Which I allowed them to have because it felt unfair to punish them.
But Christmas is approaching again. And I don't know if she's going to put money in again or send gifts or what. I definitely want to maintain NC. I believe her to be completely toxic so I don't want my children near her either, but I don't know what to do about any money or gifts. Returning it to her would be opening myself up, but I'm uncomfortable keeping it because then I'm accepting something from her. And everything comes with strings.
I'm hoping I can find some advice on here please.
Thank you and apologies for the long post.