Aibu to be very upset with my dh?

[Paininmybummum]

Truthfully I am deep down, a bit hurt and just utterly sick of it.

Background. DH and I have been together for 20 years more or less, met in early 20s living abroad. Where we lived was a massive night life and a word hard play harder culture. We both drank and partied a lot. As the years went on I drank less, dh didn't and more often than not I would bring him home roaringly drunk - honestly I was a bit embarrassed by his behaviour but let it go coz everyone else did it. As time moved on, I drank even less, dh would then go on boys nights twice a week sometimes more, and I never had any problems with him going just that he would say I'll be home by 11, so I'd wait and no show, then I'd text he would say, just leaving, so I'd go to bed, wake at 3am he still wasn't home, so I'd call, he would be plastered when he answered talk nonsense, slink in anywhere between 4am and 6am. He would come home like a puppy dog who knows he's done wrong just couldn't help himself. This regular, almost weekly behaviour caused real friction, but I really loved him and knew he wasn't cheating, just drunk.

After we got married his behaviour slowed down, especially after the kids were born, but this was still happening 3 to 4 times a month. We had massive massive arguments because of it.

We moved back to the UK, dh works in London and he commutes in from country village. In the first year, no problem at all. Second year, and there are a few work drinks. Needless to say, he got rip roaringly drunk, each and every time. So much so he missed trains and had to overnight in a hotel in London, this carried on for a few years and after the birth of our 3rd child he seemed to just stop with the nonsense. He managed to go for work drinks, but only have one, come home safely, driving, and I wasn't terrified for him, as well as worried he might lose his job, get in a fight, or worse.

So, 3 years later, new job, Xmas party, and guess what.... He has done it again. I am so angry with him, but also hurt and worried for him and his safety. What would you do? Am I being unreasonable? I have said to him I think he has a very very unhealthy relationship with alcohol.... I think I need some advice really. Thanks if you got this far...

It does sound like he has a problem in the long term but given that it's just this once this year and it's special circumstances, I think I'd be more forgiving as long as you can ensure this is the end of it. Lots of people have a few benders a year but that's where it needs to stay

Do I understand- first time in 3 years ?
Talk to him when he sober up.
I’m not surprised you are angry and upset.

Can you tolerate the odd lapse ?
Are things otherwise good?

You built a life with this man knowing what he is like. He won't change. Accept it or don't.

Hi, first time this year. Last couple of years he's gotten home pissed once or twice, but when he's said he'll l be home - like he has still got all his "faculties"! Tonight is the first time in a long while he's fallen into old patterns again. He is in his mid 40s, he's not bloody 19, and I just can't understand why he let's it get this far.
In answer to another question, we do have a good marriage - this is pretty much the only thing that causes friction, but for me it's a biggie! It's his safety, his health, his job, everything. I think what hurts most, is I begged him to not get too drunk, I asked him to just be careful. I have no idea where he is....

I am expecting my husband to come home drunk from his Christmas party. He's in his 50 s. Not too old to have fun. What's the problem.

You built a life with this man knowing what he is like. He won't change. Accept it or don’t
Why did you think he would change? My DH loves the odd booze soaked night. I knew that when I married him. Sounds like you did too.

Why did you keep having kids with an immature twat? I would've left years ago.

I think you are blowing it out of all proportion!

We're not allowed to get pissed a couple of times a year?? WTF?

Yes you are being very very unreasonable. You've changed and are expecting him to be the same as you. He's his own person!

When you say worried for his safety, what exactly do you mean??
He's getting drunk? What's the big deal??

I think you honestly have to accept this time, you have to focus on the fact how far he has come. He is growing up!

You said he was doing it weekly in his 20's... he would've done it possibly 50 times in 2018 if he'd carried on. He hasn't. And then you said this is the first time this year... so that is once in 12 months. You should be pleased he has curbed his behaviour, you should not be having a massive fallout. I know you are thinking... oh hell, is this the slippery slope back to how it was but I doubt it, given the fact he has changed slowly over the years.

Also, it was a work do in a new job. He's entitled to let his hair down occasionally!

My DH occasionally does this sort of thing. He's in his 60's!! I'm not going to change him after decades of marriage. It's rare, I give him an ear bashing when it happens. End of.

Whoever said he's an immature twat and they would've left years ago... if that was the case, not many marriages would last at all! My DH is at times selfish, daft, irritating... but you take the rough with the smooth and you can't expect married life to be perfection, it's not!

He has changed tho, getting royally pissed at the Christmas party is hardly a crime. Hell, I sent my ds in to wake his dad up at 6 for work who was still drunk from his do.

He won't be the only one with a sore head today and won't learn for next year either. As it's a once a year event I really don't mind.

As someone who doesn’t drink much I can’t see the appeal of being so shitfaced that you can’t talk, miss your train and have to pay to stay somewhere else. I can’t see it being very attractive in a partner either.

I don’t think I would have lasted 20 years with someone like this. Does he really find it enjoyable to make such a dick of himself over and over again?

Is he home OP?

I think if it is the first time this year, Christmas, new works outing, I wouldn’t be too worried. But I guess you are worried about each occasion being slipping back into the habit rather than being a one off.

Are you now a SAHM or doing a less ‘networked ‘ p/t job? It often seems to be that after kids ‘he’ carries in with his social life and late nights out while the ‘she’ no longer has groups of socialising colleagues and gets trapped while he can just stay at work. Which means your lives are more divergent.

Drinking at a Christmas party, definitely file for divorce

I really don't see what the problem is here, maybe if you have a few drinks yourself then you'll feel more relaxed

He's an adult, he's perfectly entitled to go out for drinks, it's easy to have a few more than you should do, especially this time of year. Relax

I cannot see the issue with him doing this once in a while, he obviously enjoys it and if he’s never lost his job/got injured/lost before, why are you so concerned?!

I went out a lot when I was younger and liked clubbing and pubbing but always managed to get home at safely by 3 ish (unless it was 6 am clubbing) so it always surprises me that we should say its fine for grown men to get into such a state

I've just got home sloshed from a Xmas party - that's what most people do. What he was like before was unreasonable but getting pissed once a year at Xmas is fine

I'm surprised that so many people can't see a problem with someone unable to stop himself getting so drunk that he can't get home. Every time he does it he puts himself in danger, not least because people who are pissed are viewed as an extremely easy target by muggers. And every time he does it he is in serious danger of causing permanent damage to his liver and his brain. At the age of 40 with responsibilities towards children, any adult should have more sense.

I think you might have to unclench a tiny bit on this one OP - getting sloshed at the work Christmas do is kind of what they're for. And one big drunk in a year isn't too bad.

What is not OK is for him to say he won't and then do it. Lying to your partner or breaking your promise is not OK. And for me, if I knew I was going to get ratted and my partner doesn't like it, I would be straight up that I was going to drink anyway but I would plan ahead and make sure I had somewhere else to stay and only come back home when I was myself again.

I had a boyfriend when I was young who loved to drink, and one of the reasons I broke up with him wasn't the drinking so much as the self-deception where I'd tell him "If you're going to get slaughtered I don't want you coming home with me so make sure you sort out somewhere to stay and leave early enough to get there", he'd swear blind he wouldn't get drunk, then lo and behold it was the end of the night, all his friends had already left and he'd be steaming drunk and I'd end up with a slurring, snoring, farting, potentially vomiting man in my bed and no sleep (again). I didn't mind that he liked to drink, but that he wouldn't take any effective steps to reduce the impact on me smacked of delusions or selfishness and I couldn't tolerate it long term.

So for future occasions, if he has said he won't get drunk and will be home by x o'clock, at 1 hour past x (grace period) lock the doors and leave the key in. But I would give him the option of saying "I know you want to enjoy yourself tonight, so why not book a hotel near the venue, and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon when your hangover has subsided." And make sure you take some equivalent 'time off' at some point to do something YOU enjoy.

I think you are probably just gun shy because of his previous behaviour; but it sounds like he now has a consistently decent relationship with alcohol and is prioritising his family's needs and your preferences by and large. One blow out a year does not an unhealthy relationship with alcohol make IMO.

@DeepanKrispanEven

I'm surprised that so many people can't see a problem with someone unable to stop himself getting so drunk that he can't get home. Every time he does it he puts himself in danger, not least because people who are pissed are viewed as an extremely easy target by muggers. And every time he does it he is in serious danger of causing permanent damage to his liver and his brain. At the age of 40 with responsibilities towards children, any adult should have more sense.

Well yes. But you could say the same about skiing - every time you throw yourself down a mountain with sticks strapped to your feet you're risking death or permanent paralysis or brain damage or any number of things not conducive to seeing out your responsibilities as a parent. And people, even those who are parents, sometimes do that all day every day for a week.

Getting out of your face and incapable is far from ideal; but once a year, in a large group, shouldn't be a huge problem, especially if you plan ahead, make sure you have money for a taxi/are close to where you plan to collapse etc. I think if anything the OP is making it worse for herself by 'begging' her husband not to drink at the christmas party - both she and he would be better off acknowledging that it is probably going to happen and build a plan to minimise the risks to him and the annoyance to her e.g. a nearby hotel, make sure she has a colleague's number and they have hers so she has a back-up contact if she wants to check on him/contact him and he's too out of it to answer his phone etc. Instead he is being pressured into saying he won't drink and then getting carried away without having made suitable arrangements to keep safe and avoid worrying the OP.

And absolutely not something to do on the regular obviously, as the cumulative effect on his health and the frequent absences from his parental duties would be unfair on his family. But once a YEAR?

This is OK behaviour. Seriously. It is once a year.

He is allowed to party. As are you. It is just that as women, we tend to have drummed into us "How are you getting home safely?" And so apply this to ourselves and our loved ones. Men don't. So there is less of an inbuilt "stop". And yes, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol too - but he has seriously cut down. And once a year? The relationship with alcohol may still be unhealthy - but at least it is no longer weekly. Let it go.

My DH used to be similar - we live in a tiny village with a death-risking 2 mile walk from the station (if he managed to get off the train and not end up at the end of the line). Used to stress me out, I'd not sleep until he got home. Could be one or two times a week.

I have now unclenched. Largely because:
a) He has now (in 40s) reduced binge session to a similar once or twice a year.
b) We have worked out the problem is that I worry about the state he is in trying to get home so will not sleep (even if I try). So we have solved it. He now either books a cheap hotel in London, or we agree that he gets an Uber all the way home. Both options cost £80-£100. We just agree that that is the cost of the (far less frequent) nights out. He earns the London salary, let him enjoy blowing a bit of it.

Try and work out a solution between the two of you.

Agree with AnyFucker. You've allowed it for 20 years so why have a problem now with it? You know this is what he does.

You built a life with this man knowing what he is like. He won't change. Accept it or don’t

But he HAS changed. He has changed the pattern for three years. People, astoundingly, can change. (Although very often they choose not to because it's easier).

I think you need to talk to him seriously, OP. If this is a one-off in an otherwise OK relationship, it's fine. If he's starting to return to his old patterns, then you need to tell him very clearly that that way lies divorce.