To think friend is distancing herself?

[ChayngeName]

I’ve name changed for this.

Il keep it short. Currently pregnant with my first baby after a long battle to get pregnant (happened on my 4th IVF for what it’s worth). Due in March.

Since announcing my pregnancy my closest friend has been very distant. Takes ages to reply to messages and when she does it’s quite brief. She almost seems squeamish about the baby. We’ve been friends for about 15 years (both 32). I saw her last week with other friends and there wasn’t a mention of the baby at all, which is fine because I understand that they’re not particularly interesting unless you have one yourself.

I understand the pain of wanting a baby and I am conscious that she is single and may be struggling with this so I don’t feel annoyed by her, but I am keen that we don’t grow apart completely.

Has anyone had experience of this? What did you do?

We just drifted apart. Babies can ruin friendships.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I have been through this but from the friend's side. My best friend got pregnant and I was just floored by jealousy. It really took me by surprise. I was really happy for her but so very sad for me. When the baby arrived, it turned out she was really possessive of her too and, very long story short, our friendship never recovered. It was just too painful for me to deal with her being a mum. It felt like everything had changed

I'm not sure what to advise you OP. You're sensitive to the possibility that your friend may be feeling sad and envious, which is a good thing. Only you know whether it's something you can bring up with her. I was never able to be honest with my friend, I was too ashamed of how I felt. I hope you work it out

I have childless friends. Childless by choice that is. Your friend may find she needs to adjust her sense of who you are and how she'll relate to you with a baby. Not everyone takes to other people's babies or maybe see themselves as being the first etc. Also it's common to have friends who don't see the big deal, when it can feel huge to us (esp after IVF!)

I remember being dropped by a couple of friends when I was pg, who I thought were close. One never returned and the other became closer again once our children were much older. They felt that our lives were out of synch. I hope your other friends cause you less consternation and will be supportive.

Thank you for your honesty Lotta. Do you mean your friend was possessive of the baby? Exactly, I’m just conscious that this is difficult for her so, like I said, I don’t feel angry towards her. She does say: “I hope you don’t end up like that” about quite normal things like a parent going to the park with their baby etc.

Is there anything you wish - in an ideal world perhaps - that your friend could have done to make you feel better?

Congratulations on your baby!

So your friend doesn't have DC? Tbh, when friends talk about their DC, I listen politely but I totally switch off. I'm not interested and whilst it's the most exciting thing for them, I'm indifferent. Having children completely changes the dynamic of friendships, Imo. Their life, absolutely correctly, revolves around their DC. Mine doesn't, so common ground is hard to find.

Yes, she was possessive of the baby, didn't like me holding her or feeding her or whatever. I know now it was nothing personal, she was just very anxious. I was secretly longing for a baby at the time and it was so bloody painful.

She also has a controlling husband who took against me and didn't want me around the kids (long story) so it all turned a bit nasty in the end

Next time your friend says that she hopes you don't end up 'like that', you could ask her what she means? It might open up a conversation about how she's feeling about your pregnancy. She may be jealous, or may feel that she's losing you and in a way, she is. You just won't be able to be available to her in the same way for a long time

Its extremely common OP. When your baby arrives you will make a lot of mum friends. It's just the way it goes. Congratulations and I hope you are keeping well.

Thanks for the responses. I totally understand that it’s difficult for her. Perhaps I’ll suggest some pre Xmas drinks over the next few days.

It may be jealousy or it may just be that your lives are heading down different roads. Soon you won't have the freedom she has, your baby will be your priority and you'll likely make new mum friends. Maybe she's pre-empting this and cultivating friendships with people at a similar life stage to her?

If she's a good friend she may come back to you in the future. I almost completely lost touch with one childless friend when my children were small. Her lifestyle involves lots of expensive nights out and trips away which I didn't have time and money for - she probably found me really boring! Now my kids are teens we've reconnected and I can join her on some of these outings which is great! In contrast, I've drifted away from a mum friend who carried on having kids long after I was done with that stage so have seen it from both sides!

Hi op
I've name changed as I'm so ashamed of my past behaviour I have been with my husband for 10 years we got married 2 years ago and agreed straight after to try for a baby. Every period broke me and on Christmas day whilst relaxing watching a film my husband got a call from his brother him and his misses were expecting s baby I reacted so selfishly my husband could show his joy because I was so depressed about it 3 months later I found out I was pregnant and I'm now a mum to a 1 year old. I wish someone had just given it to me straight . You op should not hide your joy congrats just try and speak to her and if she can't be happy for you maybe walk away you can't live for someone else x