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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Christmas fuss.

18 replies

Orangeblossom1976 · 13/12/2018 20:40

He's grumpy that I 'haven't done anything' Hmm

We have put up a tree and decorations. Got a few mince pies in, cards to write. But his family are a massive fuss to him, it seems and he gets really stressed and buys they all presents and thinks we need to make things and stuff.

Why can't he just relax and chill out. Have already sorted my family- couple of cards and a wee gift for the children.

He will now stop work and spend days fussing and buying things. Argh. But still feel a bit guilty for not feeling I'm helping with it enough. It's very different to my family. Does anyone else get this, is it just me?

OP posts:
CallMeOnMyCell · 13/12/2018 20:42

Leave him to it, his way sounds stressful!

Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 13/12/2018 20:45

It is! Things have to be 'right' / carefully chosen. He's on about making hand made chocolates now. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to do it happily and by himself but not to foist it on me too.

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Neurotrash · 13/12/2018 21:23

Complete opposite here! DH's friends and family only get a card if I send it. Which I'm at the point of refusing to do as it pisses me off he relies on me.

I'll have been planning since October. If I had older children and more time I'd probably make something too.

If he wants to go that far he can. If he doesn't enjoy it tell him to stop. I'll make something as I enjoy it.

Neurotrash · 13/12/2018 21:23

Definitely doesn't need to drag you into it.

Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 13/12/2018 21:25

It's fair enough if you enjoy it but if it is an obligation and expected it loses it's joy, I find.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 13/12/2018 21:26

It seems to have become the expectation in his family, not sure how, but he feels the need to do this every year, and won't change (sigh) they even have this routine where one cousin drives up to collect presents the week before Hmm it drives me mad.

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blackteasplease · 13/12/2018 22:16

Can the two of you talk calmly about finding a happy medium? Both of you doing the things you think are important and meeting each other part way?

cestlavielife · 13/12/2018 22:18

Let him make his hand made chocolates. Leave him to it

Maelstrop · 13/12/2018 22:22

Handmade chocolates?! I mean, I did it for a dinner party as a one off to, admittedly, show off (there were parmesan crisps, ffs!) but watching a Christmas show about making excessively complicated nonsense, me and the DH both said 'But that's what M&S is for, just buy it!'

He can do what he likes, OP, I'm sure you've got more important stuff to get on with.

LannieDuck · 13/12/2018 22:52

When he says that you "haven't done anything", does he mean he's annoyed you're not doing his share of the Christmas prep as well as yours?

If you're sorting out your family and leaving him to sort out his, that sounds totally fine to me.

Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 14/12/2018 09:28

Yep, I'm doing mine, not my fault he has created over the years with his family these huge expectations. They even do stockings, for adults. So now that is a 'thing' as well. Hmm kind of sweet, but a bit OTT.

It is worse today. He has been up worrying and unable to sleep cos of Christmas. I think, well we have someone ill in the family this year and that is causing this stress. Maybe a way of control? Not sure. But am getting the 'haven't done anything' thing again (but when i offer get told he might need to go and choose himself! - to get it right I suppose)

Well, it is meant to be wet here tomorrow so he can get on with it with our boys. I seem to remember they had fun last year making mad combinations of ingredients, so maybe that will happen again.

Trying to let the guilt go. Its mad!

OP posts:
AdamNichol · 14/12/2018 09:43

If someone tried to guilt me into supporting a massive stress-out that was entirely of their own creation, I'd hate to think what my response would be....It wouldn't be 'sorry' though.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 09:44

It's not your job to sort out stuff for his family, end of. He can either do it himself or do without.

But I agree with you it might be some sort of displacement if the person who is ill is a close family member of his: he wants everything to be 'perfect' because it's a way of magically making that person better. He still doesn't get to demand extra unpaid work from you, though.

Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 14/12/2018 09:49

I just ignore it. His whole family are like this. Think is stems from the parents. not sure.

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BertrandRussell · 14/12/2018 09:50

If he’s not a git, I would be concerned about him being unable to sleep because he’s worrying. Can you find a quiet half an hour to talk about it and see if there’s anything else going on?

If he is a git then just tell him to make his own bloody home made chocolates. Suggests he gets Baileys to flavour them, he’ll only need a little bit and it doesn't keep.

Topseyt · 14/12/2018 09:54

My response would be an unequivocal "bugger off" to all that shit.

Leave him to get on with it. Make yourself a nice coffee, or go out for a Costa on your own if you need to get away from his whinges.

Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 14/12/2018 09:54

He's not a git.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom1976 · 14/12/2018 09:56

Good idea about a chat. Not easy with kids is it sometimes to discuss sensitive family stuff. Might try and get him on his own next week for a bit hopefully for a chat.

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