To be terrified

[Iseverynametaken]

I'm soon to turn 32 (in the next 6 month). Happily married, mortgage, good jobs, 2 dogs... and yet no kids. It seems to be the hot topic for people of my age. Truth is the idea still terrifies me! I'm waking up feeling anxious most mornings thinking about it. I'm scared that I'm running out of time (people outright telling me so isn't helping ) my husband is in no great rush, although he would like kids, he is a positive person and says we just do it when the times right for us. He is 2 years younger not that means too much...but of course what he is saying is the most sensible thing. I'm beginning to feel what if we do leave it too long and we miss out all together. I guess what is putting me off are all the usual things... finances, responsibilities etc. Yet people always comment I will be a great Mum. Has anyone else been in the same boat? What are you experiences? (Basically looking for someone to tell me to relax)

I was 36 when I had my first, 38 with my second. I wasn't the eldest on the maternity ward either!

I've found if you always wait for the right time, you'll be waiting forever.

Are you more anxious because you don't know for sure whether you actually want to have kids?

Just to add - I waited until I was financially more secure (which was age 32) to try for kids. 2 years later....I'm being referred to the fertility clinic, unexplained infertility.

Not scare mongering, I just wish I'd started trying earlier.

I started having children in my teens. I always wanted them and had them as soon as the opportunity presented itself. It’s going to be hard regardless of when you have them. So long as you have a loving husband/wife, you are in good health and, you earn enough/have enough in savings or whatever to support them then you should have them while you can. You need to sit down a work out whether you can afford nursery/one of you becoming a SAHP/school fees/nanny/extra for food/clothes/music lessons/whatever. Then you need to ask yourself what difference will it make if you wait. For most people two or three years doesn’t make much of a difference. Is there something in particular that you are waiting for like a promotion or an inheritance or are you just waiting.

I have found that certainly in the last 6 months it is something I have felt more about - wanting to have children. Initially my husband and I both felt we didnt (going back 5 or so years ago) but I think as we have gone through the milestones together getting married, buying our home etc we have started to mature and our feelings have shifted. Im a very naturing person so I feel that I would be a good mother also and the more I see people I know having children the more I feel about it. But having said that the idea of taking the plunge and doing it still leaves me feeling very anxious!

But having said that the idea of taking the plunge and doing it still leaves me feeling very anxious!

I think that's totally normal. The older I get, the more I tend to think about things, and the consequences.

And let's face it, kids are: demanding, expensive, tiring, 24/7, change your life.

On paper, of course they're a bad idea!

But....apparently it's also the best thing ever, according to every mum I know.

People who are advising you crack on are doing it because it gets more difficult the older you get. They aren't being mean it is just biology and women's experience of that. In my experience it was worth the leap of faith. Mine were at 32/34.

I wasn’t ready to have children until I hit 35 and even then I was terrified of the responsibility. Although it might sound like I am bragging, although I spent my whole pregnancy kind of wishing I could change my mind, when my daughter came, I took to motherhood like a duck to water and have always found parenting very easy. I am lucky though because I don’t need a lot of sleep and can sleep easily at any time of day so that helped. I found breastfeeding easy and my daughter was a very happy baby. I also didn’t change my life much, she fitted in with me. I was out and about with her here there and everywhere a few weeks after her birth and she was always happy to go places in the buggy and look around at a busy City. I did some little classes with her too which was fun - baby massage and a music class. She is 10 now and kind of like a mini best friend as well as a daughter. I am glad I waited until I was a bit older though as I had so many good travelling and partying experiences in my early 30s. By the time I had her I was 36 and more ready to sacrifice those things.

I was pretty terrified right up until birth, I'm 34 and just had my first, I wasn't one of those little girls who played with dolls and dreamed of being mummy it's sunshiny I changed my view on after being with DH, getting married etc. There will never be a perfect time but at 32 you do still have time, why not think about things you'd like to do as a couple before DCs, spend the next year focussing on those then crack on with trying if that's what you decide you want? I've got a warm, snuffly, coconut oil scented new born asleep on my chest right now and wouldn't change my decision in a million years.

I had totally the same worries. Eventually decided to leave it to date s bit and just stopped using contraception. Took us about a year and I gave birth at 33. Wouldn’t want to have left it too much longer tbh-I’m 41 now and thought of newborn makes me exceptionally anxious as I know how fucking knackering it would be!!!

That should be leave it to chance a bit.

Where you are now, you are kind of choosing between taking a risk now that you have kids but won't enjoy being a parent, and taking a risk later, that you will feel surer of what you want, but if that surer is surer you do want children, there is an increased risk it won't be possible. If that isn't too garbled?

How awful that would be varies for different people - some are just willing to see what happens, others feel devastated. I wonder if it's possible to sense in yourself which of those you would be, and which of those your DH would be.

I think the fact you are waking up anxious about it suggests you ought to talk it though with someone who will help you get to the root of what is making you so anxious.

No idea if this perspective will help, but here's my story: I had my 2 pretty late (40+), mainly because opportunity didn't really present and I wans't looking for one - no-one really tried to talk me into it until DH - who I only married at 40. I still wasn't convinced, but wanted to stay with him, realised it would be an adventure, and that I would never really know one way or the other (perhaps that makes me a bit odd, or perhaps just honest - I don't know!). It kind of felt like throwing myself off a cliff - no going back and all that.

And now? I adore my children, they have enriched my life hugely - but they are leaving home now and that is going to hurt. As an anxiety prone person I have had very severe bouts of anxiety related to them (as well as to other things) and worry about them a little, most of the time. And I worry about their futures too, with rising fascism and irreversible climate change, for example. So in a way I also kind of think I shouldn't have had them, that having them was self-indulgent and it will come back to bite me if/when things go wrong in their lives.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to have children, or even to want them - not everyone does. And certainly not everyone needs to have them. And even people who do want them, may not be devastated if they end up not being able to (though of course some are). My sister wanted children but it didn't happen and she really seems at peace with that.

Good luck, and remember there probably isn't a simple, "right" answer, and even if there is, there is no way to be sure you have it!! Life eh?

You have got plenty of time.

It does depend if you want more than one.

Re financial security. Work out all your monthly outgoings. Then look at your works maternity pay to determine how much you will be paid.

Then you can figure out what your monthly shortfall would be for the basics depending on how long you would like to be on maternity for. This way you can figure out how much you would need to save as a minimum to get by. This saves alot of stress when baby is there in terms of paying bills.

However I will reiterate you have got plenty of time. I had my first when I just turned 32. I am planning to try and have another before I turn 35.

A friend of mine had her first at 40.

More women are having children later on and that is ok

Someone once said to me that if you don’t want kids don’t have them, but if you’re on the fence then you should go for it because it’s likely you’d regret not having them. I took this advice and got pregnant at 34 with my first. Best decision I ever made, even though I never felt 100% ready for kids.

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. Can I say you have all made me feel much better this morning
I am very much a person who would accept if it didnt happen, I do say that now, but I could change my mind if it were something we were in the midst of trying and it turned out not to happen. My DH aunt was 40 when she had their first and only child. They are fantastic parents, very upto date and have looked after their health also. I guess Im afraid Im wasting these pre-baby years worrying about it all! To be honest my anxiety is probably something I should work on, I do tend to be a worrier which likely would worsen when a baby was brought into the fold.