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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum going in care home?

27 replies

simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:29

I can't look after my mum anymore.
I've had a needs assessment and tomorrow is a carers assessment for me.
I'm going to tell them I can't do it no more and I want her to go in a care home.
She has dementia and is in a world of her own.
She has no savings.
What happens now?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:31

I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you're having. Your mum will be allocated a social worker and the social worker will help you through the process. What are her current circumstances? Who does she currently live with?

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:32

She currently lives alone but I'm here every day.
It's too much now tho and I'm exhausted

OP posts:
Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:32

Will the social worker visit us or will she just ring us?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:35

She will come out and visit you and do a full assessment. It won't just be a phone call no, because she needs to get a full picture of your mum and her dementia and how she's coping.

Have you been to look at any local care homes? It might be an idea to go and look at a few, with your mum if possible, how bad is her dementia? Does she still understand some things?

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:38

She did a needs assessment last week and she was asking my mum questions but she didn't really know anything.
I explained I do everything for her.
Tomorrow is a assessment for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:39

She doesn't understand anything now no.
She knows who I am but has no clue about days or mornings or nights.
She can't dress herself or wash herself etc

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:39

What was the result of the needs assessment

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:41

She told me when she was here it's clear my mum needs full time care and that it wasn't safe for her to be independently living anymore.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:43

OK so the assessment tomorrow was organised before you decided you could no longer provide care for your mum. that's ok. You have done as much as you can for as long as you can so don't feel guilty about that. It's just that if you're definitely going for a care home, the assessment for you isn't necessary. Don't cancel it though, let them come and you can talk to them about it and they will help you discuss your options

Social workers might suggest home care visits. How would you feel about that. Do you think 4 visits a day would enable your mum to stay in her own home or is she past that stage? Have you been to see any care homes yet?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:44

Ah cross posts. so it's good that she agrees she needs to be in a care home. You can contact her and ask her how to proceed now. She will help you find a home.

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:44

I think she's passed that stage.
She can't stand /walk unaided without me holding her hand.
She can't make a cup of tea anymore.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:47

ok, Have you looked at any homes yet?

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:49

I haven't no.
She was talking about a financial assessment
How do we do that?
Do they come to us?
Over the phone ?

OP posts:
Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 16:49

There's one that my mums sister is in,in a ideal world there would be a place there.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/12/2018 16:55

A financial assessment is just to see how much money your mum has . She will come to you for that because you'll have to sign the paperwork. You say your mum has no savings but does she own the property she lives in?

Is there a vacancy at your aunties home and is it affordable?

hatgirl · 13/12/2018 16:56

Do you have any Lasting Powers of Attorney for your mum?

If you have POA for health and welfare it is your decision what happens now given that the social worker has already agreed that she meets the criteria for full time care.

If you don't have POA the social worker will have to have a formal conversation with you known as a best interests decision, but providing you both agree that it's in her best interests to go into care then it should be straightforward.

After that there will be some paperwork that will need to be done for what's called 'deprivation of liberty' that basically allows the state to 'detain' your mum without her agreement (even if she is oblivious to it). But the care home/social worker will take care of this.

If you don't have POA for finances you may also have to apply for deputyship to deal with her finances/property etc.

tablelegs · 13/12/2018 16:58

Do you have POA?

Does she own her house? They would want to sell that to fund the care home costs.

Fairymad · 13/12/2018 17:04

A deprivation of liberty would not be done simply for someone with dementia, they are done as a protective measure if a patient is a danger to themselves or others.
You need to get a POA both medical and financial to deal with her finances and health decisions.

Original poster
simpesimon · 13/12/2018 17:06

I don't have poa no.
She rents house from council.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 13/12/2018 17:32

Don't regard it as a test that you pass or fail! You seem so worried and guilty and fearful that she will be taken away and fearful that she won't.
You have done your best, and it is time to let a TEAM of professionals take the load now, as it is far too much for one person to cope with alone 24/7, 365/365..
No-one would expect you to do everything 24/7, which your DMum sadly is now in need of.
Don't worry, you will not have to shoulder everything yourself - you can go back to being 'daughter' not 'carer'.

brizzledrizzle · 13/12/2018 17:35

We're not in the same situation OP but I also have a parent with dementia so Flowers for you

cheesywotnots · 13/12/2018 17:44

Ask if mum can have a capacity assessment to see how much she understands and agrees to going into a carehome, if she doesn't have capacity they will make a best interest decision, she will be placed on a DOLS in the carehome for her own safety and comfort so that all care is given in her best interests. If she will be social funded then you can ask for a list of homes that have vacancies, can meet her needs and are within their budget. Some councils will pay for private homes. If you can go and visit the home it will gice you a feeling for the place, you can also read up about them on the c.q.c. and carehome u.k site.

cheesywotnots · 13/12/2018 17:48

For the financial assessment just see if you can find anything about her pension, any benefits she gets, any savings she might have. Like a pp said you can apply to become a deputy for p.o.a. If she lacks capacity, look at the office of the public guardian site.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 13/12/2018 18:47

No advice but just wanted to wish you well. I remember my mum going through this with my gran. Once she was settled in the home it was so much better. We could visit her and sit and chat with her spending quality time, rather than rushing round doing jobs in her house (plus all the worry about her being on her own). She had dementia too.
Hope it gets sorted soon.

hatgirl · 13/12/2018 19:11

Fairymad there's so much incorrect in your post I don't know where to start.

I really hope you aren't a practising social worker!

Suggest you look up the Cheshire West judgement and the acid test for DoLS. Anyone who lacks capacity to agree to their residential/nursing placement is automatically seen as being deprived of their liberty (they are under continuous supervision and control).

The Cheshire West Judgement has been causing havoc and completely clogged up the court of protection for years. Not sure how you've missed it!

Relatives cannot be granted LPoAs once their relative has lost mental capacity. They can apply for deputyship for finances but that's all.

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