To ask you to help me with Christmas Eve ideas in sensitive family circumstances?

[Dinosauraddict]

AIBU to hope that some of you lovely people can provide me with some good ideas? I’m completely out of ideas myself :-(
The situation: every year on Xmas Eve my DH, DM and I go to my DGM without fail. Unfortunately DGM has very recently passed away. I’m devastated. This year we don’t know what to do. DH has suggested a nice long walk (we have 2 dogs) but my DM is poorly and will struggle, and knowing our luck it’ll rain. DM has suggested cinema but there’s nothing both DM and DH will enjoy that I can find (DM would want Smallfoot, whereas DH wants Deadpool). I’ve wondered about going and visiting DGM’s grave but it’s a 4-hour round trip on a normal day with no traffic and DH is the only one who can drive so it doesn’t seem fair.
In short - I’m out of ideas. If it helps we’re in a commuter town in SE, we always have a set Xmas Eve dinner which we’ll still have, and have no other family to visit. I don’t think it’ll feel like Xmas no matter what we do - but I need to try for DH and DM!

Ivm so sorry for your loss Could you invite dm to yours for your special xmas eve tea and maybe plant something in the garden and say a few words in memory of your dgm?

Why not have dinner as usual and then attend the midnight mass at your local church. Lots of people go who aren't normal church goers as it's a lovely service with carols. Otherwise start your own tradition this year, get a film that you will all watch, some nice wine with dinner and sherry and mince pies (or whatever you all like) to eat whilst watching.

What do you want to do OP? If you didn't have to consider your DM or DP how would you spend your Christmas Eve? You aren't responsible for the feelings of everyone around you. Have your usual dinner and raise a toast to your DGM and perhaps have a quiet evening.

Is there anywhere local that does Christmas dinners for the elderly /homeless etc they usually need volunteers on Christmas eve to do a huge pile of veg prep, putting up declarations etc. I did this one year in my early 20's after my GM died and I just didn't want to do the drink friends partying etc . Strong male volunteers were especially useful setting up trestle tables, humping boxes of plates around. but there were also plenty of older volunteers with food prep, setting tables. Maybe you could contact a load of local organizations see if they have any use for a driver and willing volunteers.

Is a compromise possible on a tv show or dvd, take stress out of feeling like you have to go somewhere

Your DH could behave like a decent human and forego his first choice of film for the sake of your bereaved DM.

If he refuses LTB then I second PP’s suggestions that a nice evening meal together would be nice. Maybe a nice festive film to follow?

How about a Christmas movie with nibbles - maybe include ones dgm liked so its like she’s there in spirit?

Do you have a garden? As pp suggested maybe have a little ceremony and plant something lovely to remember your DGM by. Depending on where you live then some fireworks might be nice too but not really loud ones that send all the local wildlife into frenzy

Why don't you and your mum go to the cinema together. Your husband is an adult - just tell him you want to look after your mum - he can come if he wants (he may surprise you and make the effort), or he can stay home if he prefers (make sure he knows you won't be mad at him). It's only one day.

Thank you all so much! There are some fab ideas in there and it’s genuinely made me feel a little better about the world. I particularly love the idea of helping out somewhere where they do Christmas dinners for the vulnerable - I’m going to look online and see if I can find somewhere. Apart from that I think a nice festive film at home sounds lovely. DM is already coming to ours for the day (plus a few more). In all honestly I just don’t want to have to put on too much of a brave face and pretend that everything is ‘normal’ so a new tradition is exactly what we need - thank you all so much!

I was going to say that after a death often the best thing to do is something completely different! So maybe don’t have your traditional meal but do something else entirely.

Sorry for your loss.

I think it's time to make some new traditions.
If you are religious (or even not) go to a church and light a candle for DGM. Then go for a nice lunch somewhere. Or if funds are tight go home and make a dinner / lunch a bit more special than you normally would. Play some games (cards / board games) with some nice treats / candles / music

Yes, perhaps best to do something different, to acknowledge that your world has changed. It wouldn't hurt your DH to watch a film that your mother might enjoy. Watching a film at home may be easier. If your DM starts to feel emotional / weepy, she might feel self conscious in the cinema

I was going to suggest a church service too, especially if you have any particularly beautiful or historic places of worship near to you, with choral services. Even if you are not a believer, the music can be uplifting, and it can be a space for peaceful reflection.

Sometimes, even if it's not a service, you can catch the choir or the organist rehearsing, and just sit and listen for a while.

So glad this thread has helped you a little OP. The pressure that we all put on ourselves at this time of year seems to make things harder, especially for those, like you who are blind to find it tricky.

You've had some great suggestions so far.

If you can't find somewhere that you can actually physically attend to lend a hand how about dropping food to a local food bank, or a care package to a homeless shelter (maybe contact them ahead of time to ask about drop off times).

Was there anything that DGM was into that you could develop as a new tradition? In that way you are doing something new and something to make you feel closer to her at the same time. My DGM loved gardening and birds so feeding the birds is a bit of a tradition for me. Your thread has inspired me to go a a bit crazy with it around Christmas and I'm now thinking I'll make some home made fat balls and other stuff for them.

Was there a charity that she supported or would have felt attuned to that you could do something to support?

Try to be kind to yourself, I'm sure she would have wanted you to do that.

I am a Christian and the church services sound lovely, but my DM isn’t and I don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her. My DGM supported a specific dementia charity and my DM and I do regular funding for them too, might be nice to try and incorporate that in some way. I’m sure DH would sit through a film that wasn’t really his idea of fun if I asked him, but I don’t want him to feel like his thoughts don’t matter. We have been together many years and my DGM was essentially his DGM too iykwim...

You could do something that reminds you of childhood Christmases so bake and decorate biscuits or make paper chains or play a board game you loved as a child.