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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just be totally unsure of what is normal

27 replies

GlassHalfFull10 · 13/12/2018 10:58

DH and I have had a huge barney. It isn't great at this time of year and as my username suggests, I am usually a very happy person. It has stemmed from him calling me a 'f*cking idiot' in front of our daughter yesterday morning at breakfast because I asked him, what I thought was a very simple question. I told him the last time he lost it and swore and shouted at me that that was the last chance but I keep accepting it.

Back story is that he has an awful temper. I know some people do and it can't be helped but I never grew up with shouting really and I don't know how to handle or manage it or even whether I should! He's always sorry afterwards and says he doesn't mean it... which I do actually believe. He has never been physical and he wouldn't be.

The long and short of it is that I don't want our children to see this kind of thing and think it's normal. No amount of silent treatment from me for a couple of days will stop it happening again though will it? What can I do?

He is generally a great dad and husband, I do love him to bits and I couldn't imagine actually splitting. If I told any of my friends and family what he'd said at times and with such venom, they'd be very shocked. I never tell anyone and to be clear it 'only' happens every once in a while.

So my questions are, should I just chalk it up to Christmas stress, should I do something to deal with this to avoid it happening again (what?), or am I being precious and a bad argument every now and again is normal?

OP posts:

Regnamechanger · 13/12/2018 11:06

Sorry that you're going through this. Read your post again, you know the answer. This isn't normal and he won't change. You shouldn't accommodate this.

Knittink · 13/12/2018 11:06

No it's not normal. Tell him you will not tolerate being spoken to like that. Ask him why he thinks it's ok to speak that way in front of his children and what kind if example he is setting. 'Having a bad temper' is not an excuse - I bet he manages not to talk to colleagues or friends that way.. Why do you believe he doesn't mean it, since he says it with such venom? I would not live with a man who spoke to me like that.

Youngandfree · 13/12/2018 11:07

Not normal. 💐

Houseonahill · 13/12/2018 11:09

Not normal no. Appalling.

Thehop · 13/12/2018 11:09

As above, he manages not to let his temper shine at work or with friends.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2018 11:11

It can be helped

He could go to anger management to learn to control it

He could count to ten or walk away

He doesn't do these things because you always forgive him and you accept him being angry in front of your kids

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 11:12

Actual splitting could be a bit extreme if it's only the occasional blazing row; me and DW have called each other a few eye-brow raisers over the years - during arguments over nothing that were deflections of periods of intense stress for one reason or another.
But you need to be honest with yourself about the how and when this occurs; and in front of kids isn't on. That passive-aggressive silent treatment stuff is bullshit. You need to be very plain that this behaviour will not be tolerated and will result in consequence (more than a few days peace and quiet).

Pennydrew142 · 13/12/2018 11:12

Not normal and not acceptable. But you already know that. So, when you’re both calm, tell him to get counselling to learn to interact like an adult and not a child who screams when he doesn’t get his own way. Insist he does this.

Don’t ever imagine that someone with a temper won’t ever hit you either. My father started with yelling. For years. Then came his fists. You’re enabling this man and you need to stop doing that. Sorry for the tough love approach, I do sympathise. I just think sometimes we need someone to be tough and show us how our own behaviour is enabling someone’s abuse of ourselves- and our children. Your daughter is listening to this too.

DoneLikeAKipper · 13/12/2018 11:17

If he called work colleagues a ‘fucking idiot’, he’d be fired. If he started screaming and throwing a temper outside, he could be arrested for disturbing the peace. So why is it ok and normal for you to put up with behaviour that would be severely punished in other social situations?

You’re going to get many answers in this vein. Question is, are you going to take any of it on board or have you already decided to sweep it all under the carpet again? ‘I can’t do anything now, Christmas is almost here. Oh now it’s the new year blues, I’m sure he’ll cheer up in spring. Oh now x,y,z has happened- it would make anyone cross’ and continue ad infinitum.

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 13/12/2018 11:20

Thanks so much for the replies. It's my first time posting...

I know it isn't normal and I am going to suggest some counselling or something like that that is a practical solution. He won't want to but he will have to.

I agree that the silent treatment is silly, it's more that I can't actually speak to him at the moment and we've been passing each other with work and everything else anyway since, so haven't really had a chance to sort it out... I just don't want this to pass as another time it has happened and just get on with life and Christmas for it to happen again in a couple of months.

Thanks again!

OP posts:

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 13/12/2018 11:21

Yes exactly @DoneLikeAKipper that's what I don't want to happen. Thanks so much...

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/12/2018 11:22

No it’s not normal

What should you do? You should leave him and teach your dc that it’s not acceptable to be treated in such a way. What would you do if one of your dc friends called them a ‘fucking idiot’?

Is he a good dad? No of course he isn’t, he swears and abuses you in front of children. Would he do it in the middle of the street? If the answer is no, then he knows it’s wrong yet still does it behind closed doors and it isn’t that he can’t control it, he can, as he won’t do it in front of strangers, or friends

WhoIsBU · 13/12/2018 11:25

I think it depends what kind of thing he is saying to you. And if it's something bad, and he says he doesn't mean it, then why choose those words?
I hate to say I have shouted at my husband literally thousands of times and no doubt called him a f*cking idiot a fair few times too. I love him 100% though and he knows its just how i communicate sometimes

Nesssie · 13/12/2018 11:26

Would he do it in the middle of the street? If the answer is no, then he knows it’s wrong yet still does it behind closed doors and it isn’t that he can’t control it, he can, as he won’t do it in front of strangers, or friends

This is the most important thing I have read. Having a temper is not an excuse.

Original poster

GlassHalfFull10 · 13/12/2018 11:26

I hadn't thought of how he controls it outside...of course he can.

How depressing.

People think he's very relaxed and often say 'god, your DH is so chilled isn't he'.

OP posts:

WhoIsBU · 13/12/2018 11:28

Just to add, this is during blazing rows as described by a PP above.

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 11:30

Don’t ever imagine that someone with a temper won’t ever hit you either.
That's a bit of an assumption. There are both males and females in my wider family known for their outbursts and temper. None of them turn to hitting.

krustykittens · 13/12/2018 11:31

I have a bad temper, I have never spoken to my DH that way and as others have pointed out, I can control it. For him to speak to you like that, in reply to a simple question, is mentally abusive. If you want to save your marriage then I would suggest he go for counselling or you leave now. As for him being a good dad - I guarantee your children are already frightened of upsetting daddy. Please don't put up with this, OP, as others have pointed out it can escalate to physical abuse.

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 11:34

People think he's very relaxed and often say 'god, your DH is so chilled isn't he'.

I'm regarded this way. But, as said above, there have been instances in 20 years of being together that me and DW fell short of expectations. These were all behind closed doors, not because we choose to only control ourselves when out and about but because of heightened emotions regarding things that don't really occur outside of the home.
It's easy to write off behind-closed-doors-only screaming as an indicator of abuse (and perhaps accurately). But it can be that things that frustrate in the outside world simply don't elicit the same level of emotional response, because you care less.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2018 11:40

Absolutely appalling,
Anger management would be my bottom line. No way let your kids grow up seeing this.
And your husband needs to apologise to your dd for talking to you like that or the ripples will go out a long way.

Pennydrew142 · 13/12/2018 12:56

That's a bit of an assumption. There are both males and females in my wider family known for their outbursts and temper. None of them turn to hitting.

Adam, you’ve missed my point or deliberately misrepresented it. The OP stated he would never hit. Someone with an uncontrollable temper that erupts in front of children, has that potential. Many violent men start with verbal and move on to physical. That’s my point. Also, what you mean is you haven’t seen your family members hit. Many if not most of my fathers family will defend him relentlessly insisting he is not violent. He repeatedly was. Many women tolerate verbal abuse ‘because he’s not hitting’, often the verbal abuse is a warning sign and women need to be told this in order to prevent things escalating.

Pernickity1 · 13/12/2018 13:12

I’m the same as WhoIsBU.

I have a vile temper at times - I attribute the root of it to my father and try hard not to be like he was, but when under stress I’m ashamed to say it rears it’s head and I have definitely called DH a “fu*king idiot” once or twice. Honestly though it has only happened at times when he has in fact behaved like an idiot for a prolonged period - not for asking a simple question.

What was your DHs upbringing like OP? Is he under a great deal of stress in another area of his life? It’s not an excuse but it might help to get to the root of why he behaves like this so you can discuss how to tackle it - if that’s what you want to do.

If he had lovely parents and had no external pressures and you haven’t done anything wrong or idiotic then hypocritical though i may sound, I would never accept this behavior from my DH. What was the simple question you asked? (Or can you give an example of something similar?) im afraid to say It reads like he has a fundamental lack of respect for you which no amount of counseling will fix.

Pernickity1 · 13/12/2018 13:17

I agree Pennydrew142. I have never physically hit my DH and I would be appalled at the very idea but deep down I know I’m capable of it and given the right pressure cooker set of circumstances it could definitely escalate to that so it’s a fair assumption that people with tempers are generally people with poor impulse control who could escalate to physical violence over the time.

AdamNichol · 13/12/2018 14:04

Everyone has the potential to be a hitter. Perhaps I'm too blinkered in my own viewpoint - at the extreme provocation, I go all shouty; but it doesn't ever go towards violence (my next level up is actually to entirely shut down)

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2018 14:11

A "great dad" doesn't call his wife a fucking idiot, never mind in front of their child. He's an abusive bully. Stop allowing yourself to be his punching bag.

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