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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does DH ever says he hates you?

29 replies

MoistCantaloupe · 13/12/2018 04:45

Probably being unreasonable. Was a massive PITA tonight and he waited 30 mins at a central London station for me so we could get the train home together. As I say, my fault, PITA, Christmas drinks, drank to much etc. On the train home though, he started saying how he hates me as I was late. Wouldn’t talk to me, apart from saying he hates me. Any thoughts? I was a bit taken aback to be honest

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 13/12/2018 04:47

Has he ever said or done anything similar at any other time?

stopitandtidyupp · 13/12/2018 04:49

He said he hates you because you were 30 minimum late?
No it is not normal, it is ridiculous and controlling.

Yes you should apologise but the reaction is extremely over the top.

Original poster
MoistCantaloupe · 13/12/2018 05:06

Yes, I thought so too, and no, first time

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 13/12/2018 05:20

Can you imagine him saying that to a colleague or friend who was running late?

AnythingConsidered · 13/12/2018 05:22

You've pissed me off
You've treated me badly
It's not fair you kept me waiting for x time
It's really disrespectful to me

Those types of comments, but never I hate you.

Hate is such an extreme word, especially if repeated lots of times, and not once in a heat of the moment exchange (which is very teenage like!)

knittedjest · 13/12/2018 05:24

Sure, in the heat of a few very dramatic moments where he probably did in that second and understandably so. Likewise I have said it to him. Never for something as benign as simply being late though.

littleblackno · 13/12/2018 05:25

Exh used to when we argued- note he’s EX.
Not normal at all. Would he say that to anyone else? Probably not, so why is it acceptable to say it to you?

FestiveNut · 13/12/2018 05:28

No, hate is a very strong word. If DH used that to talk about his feelings towards me, I'd know we were in big trouble.

I've never actually hated anyone in my life. The furthest I get is a strong dislike.

Birdsgottafly · 13/12/2018 05:28

stopitandtidyupp, how is it controlling?

He's stood around waiting for half an hour.

OP, did he put it as he hates you right now and doesn't want to speak to you?

Can you remember accurately, given that you've been drinking?

Did you insist on him waiting to meet you and that you were on your way?

knittedjest · 13/12/2018 05:31

I would be concerned about how your husband said it though. That wasn't an emotional outburst where you say something you don't mean because you can't articulate your feelings in that moment. That was a calculated, controlled thing to say. He had enough awarness to wait to you had left and was away from everybody else. He activily choose those specific words with a purpose. That's a concern.

stopitandtidyupp · 13/12/2018 05:33

Because he is overly punishing her for something that wasn't really that

psychological punishment (such as nagging, silent treatment, swearing, threats, intimidation, emotional blackmail, guilt trips, inattention) and traumatic tactics (such as verbal abuse or explosive anger).

Be annoyed or irked but extreme reactions leave people walking on egg shells.

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/12/2018 05:44

Nope. I have no problem with DH saying he's angry/annoyed but saying he hates me would have me planning to leave.
My abusive ex would use language like hate and 'you're going to hell'. Life is so much better now.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 13/12/2018 05:54

No, and it's not 'normal' for anyone over the age of 6 to say that regularly with any sort of venom. He's not a child nor is he more important than you in the relationship, so I'd be thinking about where you go next, now that you know this is who he is.

GertrudeCB · 13/12/2018 05:58

No, not normal in any way, shape or form. Is he being reasonable today?

ayupducky · 13/12/2018 06:07

DH might say something like "I hate it when you're late" but he's definitely never said he hates me.

Was he sulking and saying it in a childish way? Not really an excuse but not as bad as saying it in an aggressive manner.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2018 06:30

No because he doesn't hate me, he loves me
Why did he have to wait for you anyway? He's not sounding great.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2018 06:35

Is he immature in other ways? The whole I hate you thing is what you usually hear from kids, when they don't get their own way, the throwing a strop thing. I hate you, you've ruined my life.

If you think he doesn't really feel that way, I'd put it down to a high level of immaturity.

And no my husband doesn't do it.

Shepherdspieisminging · 13/12/2018 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pachyderm1 · 13/12/2018 06:49

Not at all normal. Fair enough that he was annoyed, but saying he hates you is horrible.

PumpkinKitty82 · 13/12/2018 07:33

“Controlling” gets thrown around in here a lot, I fail to see how this was controlling behaviour?
He sounds pissed off and childish and even spiteful but controlling? No

Windgate · 13/12/2018 07:33

You've admitted you messed up and apologised, it's not how you usually behave. I would have been a bit annoyed with you (and worried about you) but I wouldn't have used words like hate. What does he want to do now he's told you he hates you?

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2018 07:38

Bit of an over reaction there shepherds, he could jus be an immature twat sounding off.

londonrach · 13/12/2018 07:40

Strange. If someones late you worry if you in right place and they ok. No way would you say you hate them. Is he normally like this

convertingroom · 13/12/2018 07:42

Only my exH who had bipolar disorder and went on vendettas against me

No other partner ever. But exH could be frequently abusive and scary

SilverApples · 13/12/2018 07:42

Not in almost 40 years, and we’ve both been much more of a PITA to each other in the past. It’s a ridiculously immature overreaction.