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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so cross with my 8 year old DS. Most of the time

15 replies

Workreturner · 12/12/2018 16:11

I love home, I really do.

But he’s so unpleasant. Dawning realisation that I don’t think he’s a particularly nice person, irrespective of age.

He constantly denigrates others. Constantly.

Continually shows off. To a ridiculous extent.

Has no pleasure in making others happy. In fact it irritates him when I convey pleasure at a good piece of homework; or doing as i have asked first time (and not 11th time)

He is appalling at sharing. Appalling.

Example: please could you help me get some decorations down from the attic (I am a single mum and thought he might like to help me(. Point blank “no, I don’t want to help”. I ended up begging him. Refusal and then a tantrum.

I basically don’t really like him. I can’t believe I am saying that.

The contrast with his sister is astonishing and i pull in every bit of strength not to compare them. She is so full of joy and happiness.

It makes me sad. Anyone else in similar boat?

OP posts:

Windyone · 12/12/2018 16:13

Deep breathe! Could their be undiagnosed issues? Can school help?

dippledorus · 12/12/2018 16:15

You should go and seek help from an outside agency. you are scapegoating your son and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck.

raspberryTrousers · 12/12/2018 16:15

I'm not but I've seen it before as a teacher.

It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don't have the same problems with your daughter and I bet the difference is known by your son.

The most successful strategy I've seen used is to ask yourself when you do like him and when he is a pleasant and helpful child. What was different about these situations? When you've found that 'he is kind when x, y , z' then your answer will be in front of you.

LMW1990 · 12/12/2018 16:19

You can love you kids with all your heart (just like you can any other person) but you don't have to like them all of the time. It might just be a phase but as PP said, are there, or could there, be any potential underlying issues? What is he like at school?

Kids go through some VERY frustrating phases that leave you doubting yourself and what you did wrong, but the truth is that everyone, including kids, are their own person. I think it's just more amplified when they are younger because they rely on you so much and you do so much for them - and so it affects you more.

Don't be too hard on yourself and don't give up on trying to involve him even when it feels like you're banging your head against a brick wall one day he might surprise you!

Original poster

Workreturner · 12/12/2018 16:39

Thank you for thoughtful kind responses

I have more to add but up to my eyeballs atm. More later...

OP posts:

aconcertpianist · 12/12/2018 16:42

As Windyone said, could he have undiagnosed issues or be suffering with PDA?

PDA is a terrible thing for any child to suffer with and I do think that, despite some people dismissing it, before too long it will be as widely recognised as ADHD is.

It might be worth investigating this first but you're not on your own with feelings of frustration towards your own child. I certainly have!

Balaboosteh · 12/12/2018 16:47

We all spot problems and issues in our children. It is then our job as parents to work with the child to address the issue. They don’t come out fully formed. They can and do change, if you make that happen, over a period of time.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/12/2018 16:49

I would say you need to make a clear effort to improve your relationship with your ds. Have you ever considered love bombing?

meiisme · 12/12/2018 16:56

One of my DC can be very much like that. Do you get any time alone with him? Lovebombing and focusing on the times I do like how he's behaving have really made me see him in a different light. He's so much more connected and approachable when it's just him and me. But when his brother is around, his spiky selfishness very quickly crops in again. I just try to reach 'across' that to the nice kid I know is inside.

Seaweed42 · 12/12/2018 17:04

Is he the eldest and is there just the two of them.
'I am a single mum and thought he might like to help me'.
Ah, no. Young children just aren't thinking like that.
You were 'thinking' he might like to help you. Those are your thoughts not his.
He had no idea about the plan to get the decorations down.
Then when he stated his valid case about not feeling like he wanted to help, your illusionary bubble about him helping his Single Mum with the decorations was burst. So you get annoyed and feel angry with him. Hopefully you are not thinking he's the man around the house.
It's a bit like your neighbour from next door suddenly appearing and telling you she was 'thinking' you might like to help her paint her front door.

JovialNickname · 13/12/2018 00:19

I don't understand why you're begging an eight year old to help you get decorations down from the attic, it seems like a strange dynamic. You said you thought he'd like to help. He didn't, he wasn't fussed. Surely the normal response would be to cheerily say "oh well I'll just have to enjoy all the fun of the decorations by myself then" or similar. Why beg him (your words) - an eight year old? Then blaming him because he refused and got upset at your OTT behaviour? I think you're putting too much pressure on a little boy.

user1473878824 · 13/12/2018 01:27

Of course you’re allowed to not like him! But he’s eight. If he’s saying “no” then bollock him, don’t beg him. He does what you say. You do not beg him.

3ChangingForNow · 13/12/2018 01:34

I'd very much recommend the Nurtured Heart approach in the case of your DS because it will help you find the good in him and help improve how he reacts with others. The worse the child the better the result with this method! The book I used was All Children Flourishing by Howard Glasser. highly recommended

Kokeshi123 · 13/12/2018 02:06

I don't understand why you're begging an eight year old to help you get decorations down from the attic, it seems like a strange dynamic.

Yes, God forbid a single parent asks a child to help out with everyday household chores. It's not like she has much to do herself or anything like that.

beclev24 · 13/12/2018 03:33

I have an 8 year old DS too and at times he can be very difficult (at other times can be absolutely wonderful.) it’s so important not to make this your story about him though as he will pick up on it. When my DS is being difficult usually because he is unhappy. The more I try to connect with him, the better he gets. Each morning I try to go in and spend just 5 mins or so hanging out, chatting about his interests/playing a quick game or having a joke around etc before we start the day. That makes a big difference. As does really listening to his complaints rather than punishing him for them. Check out handinhand parenting

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