Partner who takes no responsibility AIBU

[Bellyeoman97]

Hi long term reader but never posted. I am incredibly frustrated with my partner of 10 years as he takes NO initiative for anything. Both married before. My adult teen son lives with us. He doesn't see his DC as they stopped wanting to see him after he met me. He won't take responsibility for contacting them (adults now) despite my encouragement. He buys nothing for the house, organises nothing, only buys presents for my Xmas not his own family, has never organises anything date wise, holidays, cinema, nothing. I control all the finances. He has long history of debt before he met me so likes fact I handle it all. I'm now at age where I am fed up of it. I basically run two lives mine and his. Even sort out the dogs, the cars, home improvements. Any time I suggest he takes on responsibility for something.... anything would do.. He says that he will just screw it up. It has got to the point I remind him.to see GP dentist, even to shave shower. When I complain he is not a child and to grow a pair..... then he says I have to stop nagging. I have been ill recently and he didn't even check if we needed any food in. My young son did and asked if he could get anything at shops for me. My partner didn't. In past discussions he gets very angry and says that's its my issue as I would never be happy with someone who was bossy or made all decisions. Is it unrealistic to expect a near 60 Yr old to take some responsibility for his life or organise something for the relationship /family. Its like having an extra child and has put me off having sex. He of course is very bitter about that. Anyone relate?

If you have to remind him to shave and shower, it's only a matter of time before you have to wipe his bum too

Can I ask the obvious question? Why the hell are you with him?

I couldn't be with anyone who couldn't be arsed with their kids.

He is funny and makes me laugh. He has same interests and ironically amazing with my own son. In fact better than his biological father ever was. He works hard and financially this helps our lifestyle. He is good at listening and talks to me. I wondered if he is depressed as so passive. He seems happy and content. Says he is content with not doing much and I am too driven. I think I just have a normal drive for life in that I like to do things, see new things, meet up with people, see family, celebrate stuff. I think tbh he would be happy with doing very little. Although he has strong interest in current affairs and likes to talk about that. He is clever and funny just extremely unmotivated.

If he is a hard worker and o assume competent in his job, then he is not unmotivated, he just simply doesn't want to help you with anything. Not very respectful to you at all.

I think I would quietly do a little less and less of things he should eb doing for himself. Be subtle, no drama. just dont do things

He doesn't sound like a good bet, frankly.
Do you really need someone, him in particular? I would think not.

Continued: Have him as a boyfriend but not a 'live in' one.

Does he have adhd? Or another mental health issue? I would send him for a trip to the gp to see if there are any underlying conditions. I don't usually say this but some of the things you are saying sounds mental health related. I may be utterly wrong but wouldn't hurt to look into it either.

Go on holiday for a week and leave him to fend for himself.

I’m not surprised it puts you off, it is unattractive and he sounds worse than a child- at least your son hasn’t picked up on his behaviour.

At his age, it’s unlikely he will change unfortunately. Do you see yourself still doing all this stuff for him in another 10 years?

Has he always been like this or as it got worse as he has got older?

"Says he is content with not doing much"

Well of course he is, because you're doing it! It's easy not to be bothered about cooking when you've got your own personal chef, or care about dusting when you've got a maid.

You'd better not go on holiday, he'd be dead in a week! Curled up in a corner like a sad, dusty, stubbly, whiffy spider.

You'd better not go on holiday, he'd be dead in a week! Curled up in a corner like a sad, dusty, stubbly, whiffy spider.

Fabulous 😂

He would drive me bonkers....but only you can say whether he is worth the frustration.....

You've tolerated this bollocks for 10 years, why?
Tbph I would have binned him 9 years ago. I cannot be doing with these sniffling men-children.
Not buying for his own family, I can understand that. Some families are like that with regards to Christmas and don't buy each other. But the rest of it? He's taking the piss. It always amazes me how they manage to work but house stuff, it's like it's beneath them in a way.

Thanks for your replies. What I have done is built a life outwith him over last 10 years. Go on holidays without him (with him to sometimes) and he does survive and enjoys his own company. Probably doesn't wash and probably eats a lot of crap but house is kept OK. Another friend suggested "the live apart stay in relationship. " but financially I could not afford to do it. Thanks for comments food for thought x

In past discussions he gets very angry and says that's its my issue as I would never be happy with someone who was bossy or made all decisions.

I had a similar issue in the past and always had the same response when I tried to raise the issue. In the end the relationship didn’t work out. Things got worse over the time. When I suggested he planned anything recreational that he would enjoy (instead of complain about what I planned) he said it was my responsibility to “tease the ideas out of him”. The burden of decision making became quite overbearing over time. Things are easier without him.