Walking Together As A "Family"

[NormalBloke]

I have 2 sons 7 & 10. Unfortunately my ex wife currently has them for 75% of the time and there are welfare issues which I am having to go to court to address. In a nutshell one at least is medically classed as "underweight" and they routinely stay up to midnight during the school week turning them into zombies . The youngest one nearly fell asleep in school recently (again)and when with Mum they just never seem to go out of the house. Therefore they are 2 very lethargic boys and the school are now supporting me with social services etc etc as the mother will not communicate with the school.

Anyway my partner of 4 years has 2 daughters aged 7 & 11 and they are the polar opposite. They are very well brought up by my partner and her ex. They are fit as can be and bursting with energy.

However when we all get together and go on a walk around the park my partner and her 2 girls routinely just bomb ahead at their usual speed leaving us usually miles behind as I tried to encourage my 2.

I asked my partner on Sunday at the start of a 2 mile walk..." can you guys not wait for us or walk with us for a change?"

To which I got the reply that "we are normal" which made me feel like its implied my lot aren't!!!! It caused a big argument as we go as fast as we can but my 2 sons are just not in the same league as her 2.

My partner says their is nothing she can do about it and that's the way it is as she cant ask her 2 to slow down just for us.

I though the point of walking was to do it together but it just turns into 2 groups so whats the point? We can even talk along the way.

I know this probably sounds bloody stupid but AIBU to ask her to stick with us? Its not like we walk together every day it might just be once every 2 weeks we manage to all get together. She goes out walking all the time with her girls and their dog so they are used to it and even suggested we could speed up but its not as simple as that.

I feel very protective of my 2 as I know what they go through and I explained this to my partner. Im now feeling confused for even bringing it up.

DH and i had this exact issue 15 years ago! I dont drive and we were used to marching everywhere whereas DSC were driven everywhere, exhausted all the time and couldn't be bothered. DH gave DSD piggybacks til she was 8!!! We started implementing "games", not structured ones just ooh lets see how many different fungji we can find or counting squirrels. Or we'd get them all talking excitedly about something. Go to new places....woods and fields. Take snacks and drinks to make it more enjoyable. Encourage them to engage and the pace will even out.

I don't think you should be doing family walks together - family trips to the playground where everyone can do their own thing, yes. Walks no.
Its hard to get a 7 year old to slow down from their normal pace. If her girls stay with you, it will be her endlessly telling them to slow down, them being miserable and possibly taking it out on your boys with comments re slowness.
On these family walks, your partners options are to stay with her girls who are happy and having fun and enjoying them, keep everyone together (which will be far more stressful for her and her kids) or let her girls go off alone together unsupervised.
I can't see how at the moment you can the walk thing to work while keeping your kids and her kids happy.
Can you find another activity you can all do together? A museum or climbing or something where speed is less important?

Is anyone actually enjoying these walls?

WAlks not walls

I hated going for walksas a kid and teen, still do. Its utterly pointless and very very dull imo!

So perhaps ask them if there is a different activity they would like to do. And your partner sounds horrible.

Our dw is totally unreasonable.
I can’t go fast due to my health, my two dcs and H can go very fast. When we are together, they go at my pace.
It’s not an issue about not understanding or not getting they are going through a lot.
Whatever the reason, she SHOULD be waiting for you and go at the pace of the slowest.
If this is hard to always go ‘slow’, then you need to agree that some of the time you will do different activities and some of the time they will

Regardless of the reason, she has to accept they just cannot go as fast as her dcs. And that there is no normal or abnormal there. Just different people (just like she could have one child really good at climbing and the other not etc...)

Can you assign 'roles' so that each girl is responsible for a boy? To encourage them to walk, to have a bit of a run, to play along the way, to make it more fun? Then your dp and you oversee from a distance, and the children become more like siblings than two separate families who don't like each other.

This was standard practise in my youth with every single group I was ever a part of, whether they were relatives or friends. Either oldest/youngest etc, or similar ages put together. Worked very well. Maybe dp and children wouldn't njoy their norml walk bt they get those at other times, and your dp should be lookingat the bigger picture what's best for ALL of you - not just her own selfish ends.

How is that helping him? Don't talk his mother down to him (ever, this is extremely damaging) focus on what he can do.

I know that this is accepted wisdom, but I don't believe it is universally true. My mum was a big one for not saying anything negative about my dad after they split, but there were times when her refusal to do so was more damaging than the alternative as I needed someone to acknowledge that the way he was treating me wasn't ok.

A parent who leaves 2 primary school age children alone to put themselves to bed is clearly struggling but pretending that it is perfectly normal doesn't help anyone. Obviously, I'm not advocating charging in and calling her a bad parent, but failing to acknowledge that these children are being asked to take on WAY more responsibility than children their age are normally could leave them feeling as though they are failing at something that they should be able to do. The reality is that they are facing challenges that other kids their age aren't and I think that it would be harmful to pretend that this doesn't stem from the fact that their mother is having a tough time parenting them appropriately, for whatever reason. You wouldn't expect young carers in any other position not to acknowledge that they have a lot on their plate.

Going for a walk doesn't sounds particularly exciting. But your partner is a revolting person. I don't see how the situation is tenable should you secure 100% custody.

My son stayed up to all sorts of hours despite our trying to get him to sleep earlier and he has grown up fine. He is a professional man and is actually glad that we didn't stick to 'bedtimes'.

Not everyone likes going for walks. I do but accept not all do.

There are no rules that cannot be broken.

Spend time on your own with your children & don't criticise their mother, she is doing her best.

Thankyou for all your replies.

Most of the time my boys are just with me looking after them (when in my custody) . However when we do all get together its usually out for a meal or going for dinner and play at my partners home.

I wouldn't say we do lots of walking as we don't period its just that on the odd time we do this situation seems to happen.

For the first time ever I chose to say something. My boys in the main do not complain about going for walks the route is usually by a river so plenty to see and do its just that they are a bit (not a lot) slower than my partner and daughters.

I understand my partners need to "crack on" as that's her default setting but just think there is no point doing this activity together currently as a lot of you are pointing out.

Still feels a shame to have to say that though.

Sounds like these walks are the least of your problems!

If a woman had posted that her ex isn't enforcing any bedtimes for a 7 and a 10 year old, he would be crucified. Same if a mother posted about this herself, but it's suddenly acceptable if the ex is a woman?!!!

Also, a 10 year should fend for himself as mum isn't available, but a bright 7 yo couldn't possibly walk any slower... My 4 yo was able to walk slower when I'd twisted my ankle- he isn't even in school yet.

And I'd be the first to defend the mum if the kids were ok with the late bedtime, I used to go to bed at 12 at 7, but I was amongst the top 5% as that simply worked for me.

These kids are being generally neglected which means they'll also massively struggle to self regulate.

Mum's best simply isn't good enough.

Id get scooters for the boys to help them keep up.

Im a fast walker and bolt ahead, slowing down for someone who naturally walks fast is quite difficult........that said Indo feel what your partner said wasnt very nice.

Why do you have to do two mile walks with young kids? I've always liked walking but would never have made my children do them if they really didn't want to. They should enjoy themselves with you. Your partner doesn't sound very nice.

I'm also not convinced, from what you say, that your ex neglects them. She may be depressed and need some help. It's not right to be at war over care of your children.