To not leave my son

[kys]

I tried for a baby for 15yrs before getting pregnant with my ds and now hes here i cant bear the thought of leaving him. He was ill for the 1st yr so it was understandable then. But now hes 2.6 and dh is getting the hump cos i still hate the thought of leaving him. He wants us to go out for a quiet meal, alone. Dinner out with a toddler is not the same.
He starts playchool soon so i need to prepare him for that, he does mix with other children he has loads of cousins and my friends have children his age, aswell as fball classes, active tots, swimming and trampolining (all with me) I know i need to do this for his sake aswell as mine but HOW??HELP!!!

baby steps is the way to go. I was/am the same as you with my dd. Cried when i left her at playgroup- me not her- she was fine. You have to start though and start by little baby steps- leave him for an hour with someone and go and get your hair done and slowly build up the time till you can go out for a meal. I have never left my dd for an evening I have to say

do you have close family or friends nearby who would babysit so you and dh can go out for a meal together?
I appreciate you have been through enorous stress in your life but I think you are being a bit unfair on your dh. Think how lovely it would be to spend a childree evening in a resuarant. After all your ds will be asleep at home an dmostl likely won't even notice you've gone.

I don't have kids yet, but I'd say the way to wean yourself off any time of behaviour is to start off small.

I would choose the person you trust most in the world, perhaps your Mum, and leave him with her for 20 mins, half an hour while you go do a quick supermarket shop. Nothing disastrous will happen in the time. Then keep doing it fairly frequently, upping the time as you feel more confident, and try swapping your Mum for a friend, until you can comfortably leave your lo with someone for two hours.

And while you're out try to think liberating thoughts! Do something nice like get your hair cut, or go somewhere totally child unfriendly, in unsuitable shoes!

They say you need to do something at least 30 times before a behaviour is changed, so it will feel weird and scary at first, I'm sure.

If this approach doesn't work you could look into getting some counselling for your anxiety about leaving him, 15 years is a long time to ttc, you must have been through the emotional wringer a million times. No-one could blame you for treasuring your child now. hth x

Could you leave him with your dh for a little while? And then build up the time, as Pixiefish suggested?

When I went back to work, I left ds with the childminder for 20 mins on one day, then an hour and then for a couple of hours. This is the only way I could do it, even though I knew I had to.

What is it that scares you about being away from him?

Sorry - not sure I understand. Neither of you have left your little ones alone - ever - whilst they are asleep and gone out in the evening?? Why? Assuming they sleep well, and you have someone you trust sitting in with them, then why on earth not? In my mind it is SO important to maintain a life beyond children - dinner with your partner/husband, drinks with friends, late night shopping, hobbies/classes - whatever. You cannot sit in night after night surely just the two of you - I would go insane!!! Relationships need independence and new inputs, new experiences to talk about IMVHO...Surprise your husband. Book a babysitter, get your glad rags on, book a table somewhere, relax and enjoy. Doesn't have to be out all night, a couple of hours to start with probably then build it up as you feel more confident. GOOD LUCK!!!!! x

agree with Joliegirl.
I'm afriad you are being unreasonable.
Your poor dh.... he just wants to spend some time in the evening ina restaurant alone with you.
You can go after your ds is in bed. Go somewhere nearby so you won't be out for hours.
Leaving a sleeping child in bed for a meal out is not the same as leaving an awake child in preschool.

I agree with the baby steps.

My dd is 5.6, and on Saturday we will be taking her down to my mum's to stay the week on her own. She's never been away from one or other of us overnight before. Of course, we have got to this stage very gradually, over the years, but we've done it...it will feel like I've left my right arm behind when I drive back though....

...and I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think you are very attached, and need to loosen the apron strings a bit, that's all!

I think if you don't want to leave him yet, that's no problem, but if it is hacking your dh off, that is hard

I think you should just try to do it slowly, for instance first of all leave him with a very close friend for half an hour or so during the day.

It's perfectly normal to want to be close to your children and protect them. You don't have to have ttc for 15 years beforehand to feel this way, either! I still don't like leaving ds in the evenings unless my dp is with him (hate thinking about him waking up and wanting me), so we tend to go out together during the day, and take turns at night. Then I can really relaz and enjoy myself. Try to gradually find situations in which you are comfortable leaving him and as he grows older, you will see that he is more confident and more at ease with being left himself. I am sure it will all work out if you just go slowly and show your dh that you are making an effort to get used to it.

Thanks everyone. I know i have to do this and i will. I like the idea of planning it and surprising dh. He'd die on the spot with shock.
Beansprout- u asked why im so scared to leave him, tbh i tried everything under the sun to have him, everything medically available to standing on my head after sex, (dont laugh its true and not a pretty sight)and it took me along time to believe he was really mine i kept expecting some one to come and take him. Even now i look at him and cant quite believe it.x

Kys - it's fine that you are scared to leave him and I understand this in the context of how long it took to have him. It is a healthy part of your relationship that you are apart from time to time. I think my question was more geared towards your fear of what might actually happen if you leave him? That he would wake up and need you?

Not sure, think its more, who to leave him with. my dad has recently had his leg amputated so mums got a lot on her plate so wouldnt dream of adding to that. dh's parents live nearby but they are the in laws from hell, ask a favour and pay it back for the rest of your lfe. But ds likes them so i think i'll talk to mum in law.

Your mil will probably be delighted to be asked. When ours looks after ds she thinks that we're doing her a favour rather than the other way round!!!! Of course I do have a rpetty good relationship with her which makes a difference but she will probably love it.

Agree with JolieGirl that its important to have time for yourself and as a couple but also understand the fact you are anxious and need to do this in your own time. It will get easier!

Its been a month since i started this thread but ive finally done it, i went out for meal last night with dh. Put ds to bed at 7pm and mil sat with him. Was only out a couple of hrs but its a start.
Thanks for the advice everyone.

Well done you, I bet it wasn't easy. Hope you had a nice evening

It was lovely thanks, bliss to actually sit and eat a whole meal while its still hot!! Was v hard but definitely worth it to see dh's face when i told him id arranged it.

I think it's really lovely that you made the effort to do this for dh. Glad you had a good time (and hot food too!!)