to ask if having a secret second family is that common?!

[trob22]

I've seen a couple of posts in the last few days about men who not only have a long-term OW in their lives but also have kids with the OW - and somehow manage to keep this a secret from their wife (and kids from that marriage) for YEARS while still seeing the OW and other child fairly regularly?

Is this really that common? How on earth do they keep the secret? How does it work with the man paying child maintenance etc?

I've only heard of one person in my life who had a secret second family but judging by MN it seems fairly run of the mill!!

A friend of mine had a boyfriend who turned out to have a family she was unknowingly subsidising.

All ‘shocked’ but surely you must have some inkling that something’s not right?

Depends what you're used to. My ex had a two year long affair before finally leaving me. I didn't know - he left the house at the same time every morning, came home at the same time every evening. He didnt' make any changes to friendship groups or start to lose weight or change his hairstyle. He was self-employed, however, so able to conduct his affair during working hours without me being aware - his job entailed him not being able to answer the phone for long periods of time (health professional) so if I needed to speak with him, I was used to an ansaphone.

Towards the end, when he began to let his guard down, yes I knew something wasn't right. But I still struggle to believe me managed to carry on in that way for 2 whole years without me realising. I'm not stupid, I don't think I was invested in 'lifestyle' as had always been independent and could earn my own money so I don't think there was a sub-concious ignoring of what was going on. We still slept together (I was unexpectedly just pregnant at the point he walked out), still said I love you, still talked to each other.

On the female side, there are more women than you might think who have children who aren't their husband's, within the marriage. There are well-substantiated rumours about the parentage of some of DH's extended family.

I know of 2 for sure and a possible third. One is at dc's school, where the mum and kids are the second family. The dad is a real scumbag apparently and they all know about th3 first family. The first family have no idea and the kids are all about the same age too.

The other is a family friend where they all no longer speak to their father and he's moved abroad to be with his second family.

The one I'm not sure about is because I don't know if it ever was a secret. Another school family, but he claimed his culture allowed him a second wife (even though his first wife wasn't ok with it). It went to court and was in the paper. They're an obnoxious family though.

My dh's ex & her dm were the other family. Her dad had a whole proper wife and kids who he lived with during the week and at weekends he went off to his other family! He didn't work so he didn't provide for either family either. So messed up.

It was revealed my grandad had a whole family in Asia after he died. It's not that surprising, he had a lot of money, grandmother and him weren't married and I don't think she had a clear view of the finances. He spent months at a time there because he likes it

I know of two. One had two kids with a relative, but his wife and his family with her never knew. Another one had a child with his SIL, and it is a huge secret.

My great grandfather in the late 19th/early 20th C had 2 families but not particularly secret ones. Marriages in Wales were often conducted in Chapel and not recorded. Apparently he had one family on Anglesey and then another one in Llanberis. No divorces and all called *Jones so very hard to track.

I'm sure there are lots of men bringing up other men's children unknowingly. That's the female equivalent to a secret family, I guess.

• something like Jones

I don’t know of anyone personally. However once I had a colleague break down in tears with me. She’d just found out her husband had a baby with another woman. She’d found out through a letter she mistakenly opened, it was a mortgage for another house he’d just bought for his mistress.

The poor woman, I don’t think I’ve seen such grief, more than people I know whose spouses died. She was broken in every sense of the word, and her mind so shattered she was eventually sectioned and on medication. Her kids suffered too.

I’ll never forget the devastation she went through. It’s an awful thing for a man to do to his wife.

I know someone who was the 'other woman' but didn't know! So the bloke had 2 secret families!
He 'worked away' and both his wife and my friend thought their house was his home location. All came out when the wife found out (no idea how) and she filled him, rocked up at my friends house. They had 5 children between them!

My grandmother had a child by another man whilst married to my grandfather, in the 1960's. My mother was a teenager at the time.

My grandfather brought the child up as his own but they did divorce when the child was a toddler.
My aunt ( child of the affair ) knew of her real father when she was in her teens ( her appearance was completely different to her siblings.

She went to find her real father in her 30s but he had sadly died.

My grandfather and her still had a good relationship until she died in her 40s.

My grandmother never showed any remorse about it all, it certainly effected her and my aunts relationship.

My dad did. Found out when I was 13 when my dad introduced me to my 3 year old half brother who I have no relationship with.

Been struggling with depression and have had relationship problems ever since. I'm 26 now.

Many years ago, someone I knew travelled a long way to their father's deathbed to find him surrounded by his second family - neither side knew the other existed, apparently. I think the father may have been a vicar, which made it all the more surreal, although I may have made that part up!

NotScrewingUpNow

Family huh? They really fuck you up!

My dads dad had a few secret families, first one was whilst he was married to my nan, he cheated and had a child, she divorced him he got a new wife had 3 kids with her, when I was 11 I got a friend request on Facebook from a woman and a man, they turned out to be more secret kids looking for us they are now our uncle and aunty, he had cheated on that wife, I think there was 20+ woman and about 40 kids. He's now 81 whilst he's wife was dying of cancer he was shagging the neighbour and the wife's mother who is his age, his dying wife was late 50s. Absolutely disgusting man I don't speak to him. He still jokes now when my step granddad dies he will be moving in

Yes my Dad was the secret child. My Nan kept it quiet for years, and my grandfather was the ‘good family friend’ who would stay over, pay for gifts etc. She was super independent so I don’t think she actually minded that much.

I have a photo of them both visiting us one Christmas when I was a kid and they were in their late 60s by that point and there they are holding hands. He died not long afterwards, quite sad really.

A PP asked does it happen in reverse and a husband ends up raising children who are not his.

Yes it does. My DH and at least two of his sisters have the same biological mother and father as far as they can work out. This particular father was not her husband. The father on their birth certificates was her husband. She managed to keep it a secret for years and kept on the affair right up until her husband died. There were other fathers in there too with some of his other siblings but nobody has any idea who's who there. It is actually doubtful that any of her husband's kids were his.

She had over a dozen children, nobody knows the true number because she was married several times.

My MIL was a sex, money, cigarette, booze obsessed serial cheater and a very neglectful mother.

She let her husband beat the fucking shit out of my DH all the time as he was the only one who bore no resemblance to the rest of the family in the extreme as the rest took after her looks wise and he was convinced DH was not his.

I don't know how widespread this is, but yes it has happened in my family, my poor sil had a knock at the door when her oldest daughter was a toddler, opened it to be met by the very angry other wife. In our case he got away with it because his job involved travelling.

My dh was a secret dc, it had a huge impact on his life and his dm. His df died youngish, the mess after his death was awful for everyone. It was a cake and eat it situation that got totally out of control.
He is the only person I know though.

My Grandad did. A wife and five children, then another woman, and children with her. My Dad didn’t find out till his Dad died and it all came out.

My sister (the eldest sibling, different dad to the rest of us) was a secret child.
My mum didn’t know he was married but he had a wife and 3 kids in London (we live in South Wales) she was heartbroken when she found out. He stayed with her Thursday to Monday and had multiple businesses which he always used to excuse why he wasn’t “home” much.
Sister is now in her 30’s and has never really met her dad (it all came out when she was a baby and her dad ceased all contact so his wife/first family wouldn’t find out).
I find it really sad.

I know of 2 genuine real life cases. I guess that makes it not uncommon?

One is the sister of a work colleague of mine. She has 2 children with the MM (he has 3 kids with his wife), he visits regularly but they never go out in public together. The 2 families live a few miles apart in the same town, and in a few years the children from the 2 families could end up at the same secondary school! They have been separate at primary but I fail to see how this is going to last with older kids on social media. It is madness - work colleague despairs. In this case although the sister knows she is the other woman and the kids don't know that he is their father. From what I can tell the wife has no reason to suspect anything.

The second is a school friend of mine - she found out her Dad had a second family whilst we were at school. The second family were in a different part of the country, the father worked away in this other town for work and basically did Mon-Thurs with his other family and weekends with them. I am not sure whether the other family knew - I did't know all the details but it caused a heap of devastation when discovered. This was before social media days though.

I don't understand it at all!

My dad was the product of a secret family, but in that case his dad wasn't going between the two families but had totally abandoned his first family (the thought he was dead, war time) and started a new family in a new country. All came out when my dad was an adult and his dad was long dead.

A friend of mine found out her partner had a completely separate life from her, no children involved but they did have a dog together and he did live with her but 'travelled for work' half the week. They'd been together for years and all that fine he had another partner and a child.

He told my friend that his parents were no longer alive and so she never met them or any of his family but the parents were very much a part of the other woman and child's life.

She only found out because her sister died very young and suddenly and her friends found it very off that he'd barely been there to support her and started snooping on the internet and found his 'real' Facebook profile.

Amazing thing is, the last time I spoke to her they were 'working on things'.