Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Contacting my half-brother - WWYD?

20 replies

shouldicontact · 12/12/2018 13:03

This is a more WWYD as opposed to AIBU - I'm sorry. I have nc'd for this as DH knows my MN name and I don't want him to know about this, yet.

I'll try to keep this as short as I can:

Whilst I was growing up, DM worked for a large airline that meant she was away for 2 weeks, home for 2 weeks. DF was a high-functioning alcoholic but managed to hide this well.

Whilst she was working away, DF would invite prostitutes to our home. DSis and I were completely away of the "other ladies" but truly believed if we told DM that we'd never see our DF again, so neither of us said a word.

When I was 11, DM and I were in town shopping when we bumped into one of DF's "regulars".... I'll call her Jenny. I said hi. DM asked who this was and I said "DF's friend."
Later that evening, Jenny knocked on the door - with a baby in her arms - and told DM that this was her DS with my DF. She had believed that DM had abandoned us and that DF was a single father.

A few months later, DM heard that DF had been playing happy families with Jenny and his new DS - I don't think this lasted very long.

DF passed away 7 and a half years later. I'm not sure that he had a relationship with his DS. He had no relationship with my DSis or I - we saw him twice between leaving and his death.

Fast forward to now, 14 years on.
I've managed to find my half brother on Facebook, as well as Jenny.

I'm torn between wanting to contact my half-brother and the desire to let sleeping dogs lie. I have this burning curiosity to find out more about him, he would be around 15 now, but terrified that he will want nothing to do with us. I don't know if he even knows about us, or that DF has passed away.

I dread to think how DM would feel - this would reopen old, awfully painful wounds for her. I've considered not telling her - or DSis but I would hate to betray DM again, I feel like I've already done that once.

This is something I've been mulling over for over a month now. I'm so torn.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 12/12/2018 13:13

I don’t know. 15yo is such a vile age as it is without throwing something like this into the mix. Personally, I would leave it a few years until they were mid-20’s but there is no right or wrong I guess.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2018 13:15

I wouldn't contact him now as he's just a 15 year old child and this could be very traumatic for him. Don't make your curiosity his burden.

KingsScorn · 12/12/2018 13:16

I would leave it, for now at least. I agree - 15 is not a good age to be bringing this up.

NoSayWhatNow · 12/12/2018 13:20

Contact Jenny and see what she thinks.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/12/2018 13:21

As the mother of a son roughly the same age as your half brother - I would go absolutely apeshit if a grown woman contacted him directly.

Do nothing.

Justanothernameonthepage · 12/12/2018 13:23

Pm Jenny, explain you remember her visit and wanted to get to know her DS and maybe answer any questions either of them might have.
But that as DB is only 15, you didn't want to charge in and will follow her lead for now.

ratherbeshowjumping · 12/12/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimiSunshine · 12/12/2018 13:26

Dont contact him, that will throw his world into a spin. You don’t know what his mum told him about her life or who is dad is. you don’t know anything about their lives andcould explode all his truths.

Contact Jenny and say you only want to get to know them, are happy to take her lead and at her pace.

See what she says but leave things alone if she says no and not to contact them again

Theoryofmould · 12/12/2018 13:27

I think you need to wait, he'll be in the throes of gcse work and I suspect his mother would be extremely upset if anything messed that up for him. In fact I wouldn't even contact the mother for now either. Let the lad finish his education before approaching his mother in the first instance to get the measure of him.

Littletabbyocelot · 12/12/2018 13:29

You did not betray your mum. You were a child in a situation you should not have been in. It is not your job to make it up to your mum for your father's behaviour.

Theoryofmould · 12/12/2018 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 12/12/2018 13:29

Leave it a few years. 15 is not the time for this.

OverwateredCheeseplant · 12/12/2018 13:33

My long lost dad wrote me a letter when I was 16 and asked to get to know me. I was not mentally mature enough to deal with it and it really messed with my head. Like you are, he was curious about me, and so though it began as an exciting back and forth with my long lost family member, it started to really mess with my mental health.

He will almost certainly have issues with how he came in to the world (does he even know who his dad was to his mother?) and he is at a vulnerable age. You could contact Jenny and ask about him etc, but no way should you contact him directly.

Ggirl27 · 12/12/2018 13:37

15 years old - about to take his GCSEs - leave it until he is 18 and even then contact his mother before you speak to him...

PrettyLovely · 12/12/2018 13:37

Definately make contact with Jenny.
Goodluck

shouldicontact · 12/12/2018 13:38

Thank you @Theoryofmould

Really interesting replies - I genuinely didn't consider GCSEs etc, so thank you, I'm appreciating all of this.

I'm aware that I could be making a huge mess which can't be fixed. I'm worried that I could "lose track" of them, & not be able to find them again. I've also thought that they too could be looking for me, but too scared to get in touch.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 12/12/2018 13:38

Contact Jenny and see what she wants to do. She may say leave it a few years. She may not want contact at all. Or she may have already told her son everything.

Last2Know · 12/12/2018 13:42

How will you explain that his Mother was a prostitute?

I would contact Jenny to see where the land lies before making any contact with him.

London91 · 12/12/2018 13:57

Hey,

I think 15 is far too young to contact him. I have half brothers far older than me. At around 15 or so I tried contacting one and wasn't emotionally prepared for the possibility that he wasn't interested- which he wasn't. As much as I understand your position, he probably isn't emotionally ready. I'd definitely give it a few more years before you contact him. Then he can make a mature decision about whether he would like to get to know you.

SumitosIsMyWall · 12/12/2018 14:14

I'd contact Jenny and just say that if her son ever wants to know more about his father's family then you're receptive to being contacted.

It's making clear to her that you're not trying to interfere but also leaving a door open if your half brother does want to get in touch in the future.

I think it's the kindest thing to do, especially if he wants to find out more about his dad's family. There's a link there that he knows will talk to him and not reject him outright. That alone makes it worth getting in touch with his mother.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread