My partner and finances :

[Shakespearmint]

My partner of 6yrs is an intelligent with an acting degree with no children. Like most people in this profession she struggled to find work. She has had some good jobs in the wine industry in the past, but for now mainly works in temping jobs where she is generally unsatisfied. Work is ad hoc and there is never any desire to find/pursue a full -time job. She is very able and knowledgeable and does very well at every episode of University challenge! When I met her she was living frugally in London and sharing accommodation with an elderly woman. She has lots of friends and gets on well with my 16year old son from another relationship. We are both 54 years and have had considerable other relationships in the past.
We live in London and I have a good professional job. My partner has now been living with me for over 4 years. Over the past month I have changed jobs and taken on some freelance works. Working from home has made me aware of how little my partner does with her day.
I cannot ask here for household bills contribution as she simply doesn’t earn enough. She will buy groceries /food but that’s it.
Over the past year I received no birthday present and have had to pay for holidays. She will ask her father for money occasionally…. of which I have stated that I have a significant problem with.
Lately, our relationship has turned a bit sour and we are not talking. What has triggered this for me is not being able to plan a holiday without having to pay all her expenses. Both of us want to avoid conflict and she is slightly depressed at the moment with having some talk therapy. My view is that the she simply needs a lifestyle change. Get away from the screens, exercise, and get out of the comfort zone.
(Its 11am and she is still lying in bed)
For me, the main issue is finances. For her to make some contribution to the mortgage and bills that go out every month. A recognition to ease the household bills burden.
I do not feel that we have an equal partnership and worry that I will be supporting her for the rest of my life.
I come from a family that both my mother and father worked extremely hard so it is also difficult for me to comprehend the level of waiting around for some dream job to arrive …

What is reasonable to request from her?

I couldn’t deal with that and if it was my spouse the options would be go see a doctor and assess whether you’re depressed (because some of her behaviour might be that), otherwise you need to either be working, looking for a job or doing something else that contributes meaningfully.

Have you had a conversation about this? She’s freeloading and if you asked her to move out what would she do?

In your case I suspect that unless she changes you are going to lose the love and begin to get more and more dissatisfied. So I suggest you talk, explain that you not only worry that she is frittering her life away but that she just isn’t contributing to your relationship. Then I’d be setting some timescales for change and a definite idea of the amount you think she should be aiming to contribute.

She won’t like it but it needs to be brought into the open.

If she were male, this thread would full of replies calling her a cocklodger by now.

How did she afford to live before she moved in with you?

Thanks Matilda

Trills , she lived frugally and had her own separate room in a elderly persons house

I was just about to say the same as Badlad!

Definitely not acceptable in my book! Still in bed at 1100am?😱 Unless she is ill or been working a night shift/until early hours then I would be waking her up pronto.

Sorry but she sees you as having MUG on your forehead. Make a stand now - lazy cow!

So she is a housewife. Do you want to live with a housewife?

So even before you were picking up the bills, she still didn't decide to get a job to make her life a bit better?

I don't think it's going to be easy to persuade her to do it now.

She's taking the piss. I'd find her reluctance to take any responsibility for herself deeply unattractive.

What has she said about the current imbalance when you talk to her about it? Has it been like this for the whole 4 years? Surely you made an agreement about finances before she moved in.

It sounds shit. You don't have to maintain the status quo, you're being taken for a ride and it really won't change because she's happy with how things are and has no reason to change. Seeking therapy is good but it's not going to make her step up and be an equal adult in your relationship and your home.

You're not responsible for her. It's okay to be unhappy about her level of dependence and to insist on changes or an end to cohabiting or the relationship.

Badlad, I agree!

Personally I would be ending this relationship. I could not tolerate it.

She needs a new lifestyle that does not involve people enabling her behaviour.

Let her go. I'm sorry.

This is a very difficult situation and I can fully understand you being annoyed. The reality is that at her age, with a cv that consists of very ad hoc jobs, it’s going to be very hard if not impossible for her to find a well paying job. However, in her position I would be making a really big effort to find a permanent job, even if it’s not well paying,

If she couldn’t be fucked to work when she actually had to support herself, she’s hardly going to bother now is she!

Get rid unless you do actively want to have a dependent for the rest of your life.