To want DHs family to take his MH seriously?

[blackcat86]

Background- together 5yrs, married 1yr, DD 4 months, DSS 15. DH has BPD with past psychosis, suicide attempts and depression (+10yrs). Also has IBS.

We've had a stressful few months - building work overran, cat died, got a new cat (DH request) and then a baby who became life-threateningly unwell due to hospital negligence. His manager is awful and lacks compassion, having asked DH to help during a difficult period the extra work now seems to have become the norm. DH broke down in a meeting with HR 2 following a recurrence of the IBS, needing more toilet breaks etc, and has now been signed off work with IBS and depression, with antidepressants and counselling.

DH is a strong advocate for openness with MH so posted on Facebook that he was off, prescribed antidepressants for the first time in 10yrs and is taking time to recover. His family have been utterly rubbish, no acknowledgement of issues from his parents, just a text about his sister's bday. I appreciate I'm his wife so it's my responsibility to support him but they're actually making things worse piling the stress on with non issues (oh GM isn't well- she's nearly 100 FFS! your sis is struggling, MIL is upset because GM wouldn't talk to her today- cries down the phone to DH). I just want to shake them and remind them that DH has attempted suicide and been sectioned before so this serious and if they can't bloody help at least don't make things worse. I've suggested that DH talk this through in counselling when he's raised it and he's threatening to 'Kick off' at them if they do it again which I suspect will just lead to more drama from MIL and him being painted as the bad guy. I want to talk to PIL but don't know if this is really bad idea! AIBU to want their support or at the very least for them to not hinder his recovery? Any idea on what to do or what to suggest if they do suddenly want to help?

So has he actually told them he is struggling or has just just posted on Facebook? In which case they may not have even seen the post!

That should have said 2 weeks ago with HR. Oh and he's just on SSP whilst I'm on mat so we all know that he needs to recover and get back to work to be productive and contribute to family life. He's also looking for new jobs but it's not the best time of year.

YANBU, it's awful but people don't seem to know what to say so say nothing. That silence can make things a thousand times worse as the person who is ill usually interprets it as disapproval or embarrassment. Its such a sad situation because the only thing that's required is 'I'm sorry you're feeling bad', just a little sentence. 💐

They're Facebook friends with him so would have seen it - they've also posted stuff.

He's told them before about the HR meeting and breaking down and about the doctors apt. When he called them yesterday he started to talk about taking the antidepressants and his mum 'burst into tears' talking about upset she was about GM. I asked him if he thought she'd been crying before he called but he said no she was peachy until he started talking. It's like their in some weird colldcgugr denial. He feels completely let down.

Go low contact.

It sounds like they all have a lot going on at the moment. Maybe he needs to arrange to sit down and talk to them

Hope things improve soon for you all

I'm hoping that he can have a rational discussion with them but I don't think that will happen as DH isn't in a good headspace. I dont want to interfere but hes not in a good place. Im wondering if MIL almost enjoys the added drama or whether there's an element of one upmanship as they don't really have a lot going on. Sis is an unemployed lay about who is apparently wonderful because she volunteered to sell poppies (probably could have got a job then). PIL are retired, own house, savings 2-3 foreign holidays a year, only elderly relative is in a home. It's all quite bizarre.

I've reduced DH contact now I'm on mat leave as they want to see DD. I meet them with DD every 1-2weeks. I've suggested he explore it in counselling but I'm reluctant to be too pushy or I'll sound like the controlling wife.

If his family have had a lot of drama with him over the years they may have decided they can't deal with it.
Is it bipolar? If he is depressed why is he only taking antidep now. I presume he is on other meds. Sometimes when people refuse to take meds family just step away as its up to thhe person themselves to access help.
My dh has bipolar so l am familiar with that. If you are talking to pil don't accuse them of anything just share. If they are inclined to build the drama let them off.
I have to say if my ds put stuff on facebook without chatting to me l would find it strange.

It's borderline personality disorder. I probably wouldn't post it on Facebook if it was me but in fairness it was quite a nice post about wanting to be open about mental health and reduce stigma etc. I think secretly he was seeking support without saying hey guys I need help!

He's been medication free for 10+ years as he's done really well to manage through lifestyle and CBT. He's only now needed antidepressants. I do feel guilty as I've been less available now we have DD with struggling myself to process a traumatic birth. If they simply washed their hands of each other then I could cope but not to be disruptive given that he's previously been sectioned for suicide attempts. Deep down i want to remind them of this and tell them I don't want to be speaking at DHs funeral at 30 but I think it'll just make it worse. I'm trying to think of something practical they could maybe do so I can ask directly for support for DH. Can you do X? The issue is I think he just wants to feel like they give a shit.

To add, BPD is a lot like bipolar in that there are big swings in mood from manic to depressed but these can happen in minutes. I've heard it described as an 'emotional burns victim' with no skin to protect him from emotionally from the outside world. The GP isn't sure if it's BPD or he's just got depression.

ITA with a pp - when you have lived for years with a relative with BPD, depression, numerous suicide attempts, etc; you reach the point of burnout. You don't have any compassion left to give; and you don't want to hear about it any more - because it causes you stress, it affects your own physical and mental health, and in the end, you have to protect yourself!

If I were you, I would not bother talking to DH's family about it - there is probably nothing they don't know already, and they don't want to hear it again!

some people just don't get MH issues they might understand a brief episode related to a particular situation but otherwise just don't get it and they expect a rather rapid resolution to what ever triggered the breakdown.

you would have just as many people feeling left out and excluded if grandma and sis were not discussed sometimes you just can't win.

I expect DH's MH issues stem from his flaky toxic family.

My DH had a breakdown due to acid reflux and stress a couple of years ago (we had quite a lot happening). He went to live with his toxic parents during a few weeks of building work and I honestly thought I'd never see him again, they REFUSED. to believe he had MH issues and were basically keeping him prisoner.

We are low contact.