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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my DP doesn't give a shit

25 replies

MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 18:41

Been with dp 5 years, baby no. 2 due early Feb. We haven't had sex in nearly 8 months

Once since we fell pregnant.
He isn't weirded out by me being pregnant- I know that for sure. He just has no libido at all.

It's actually been like this since I was pregnant with our first dc. We just go through phases where he actively tries. And then it fades again.

It wasn't like this when we first got together, I understand he works terribly hard for our family and he is tired, I dont bring it up at all now. It used to be a frequent topic but would always end with DP saying something like "I know, I promise I'll try harder". But I don't want him to have to try

It shouldn't be forced. I don't want him to force it. I don't want to pressure him, but he's reluctant to see a doctor as he says he's only 32, it shouldn't be an issue.

I've tried everything- tried to surprise him, dress up for him before I got really pregnant. I love him very much, want it to work, not sure if I can live like this forever and would hate for dp to ever feel like he's not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 18:43

Has anyone else been through something similar? That's what I was getting at!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2018 18:45

He needs to see the gp, full stop. This is grossly unfair to you and disastrous for your relationship. Tell him if he wants to save your family, he will gladly go to the doctor.

Is he overweight? Does he have any health conditions?

Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 18:49

Aquamarine not overweight, quite a physically demanding job & gym every morning at 5am before work. He's burnt out. But even on weekends he won't get freaky with me 😂😩

He does need to see GP, I agree, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 18:50

But he won't do less either! He loves the gym which is great because he's very healthy and is in shape which makes it worse for me because I want to enjoy his body

It's always just words, never action
I've tried to be patient

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 11/12/2018 18:53

If he's a keen gym goer is there any possibility he might have used steroids at any point, either oral or injected?

FascinatingCarrot · 11/12/2018 18:55

Hmm we go through phases too sometimes with a couple of months in between. I guess 8 months is just about stretching it considering you have a wee one and one on the way.
If he's tired he needs to drop the gym one day and spend a bit of downtime with you.. whether thats by getting freaky or not.
Its a fair compromise and worth an ask.

Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 19:11

Have already asked Fascinating, he wont compromise gym time. At this point I'd settle for a bum rub and a few compliments lol. Hormonal and needy.

TooTrue yes he used to take steroids when he was around 21, he said his sex drive depleted after that and gradually got better. But it's gone down hill the last 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 19:15

We've had our fair share of rows over it, me thinking it was about me and feeling unattractive and inadequate and obviously dp feeling emasculated and defensive

Now we just sort of don't talk about it, accepted that it's how it is- which is really fucking sad

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 11/12/2018 19:20

Threads about this exact situation appear every few months at least. It seems to be a pretty common problem and, unfortunately, it's something that is really difficult to compromise on. Nobody should be having sex they don't want, and nobody should be in a relationship that isn't making them happy.

If there's a medical or psychological reason causing the lack of libido then it can possibly be "fixed," but I think in most cases you either split up or you end up with one partner full of resentment.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/12/2018 19:24

I get you, I used to have a really high sex drive and DP less so, eventually I gave up too, we rarely have sex probably once a month, the DC are constant, we work hours around each other. He actually is the instigator now of our monthly romp.
I must change this in 2019. Wink

Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 19:25

I agree Ted

I have been full of resentment before, I'm passed it now.

I would also absolutely hate dp to have sex with me when he doesn't want to. I don't think it's actually the sex I miss, it's the intimacy and feeling desired

I think I feel I've lost my sexuality, feel too much like a frumpy mum and want to feel sexy again (I know that that is my problem, not his)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 19:26

Emerald are you happy with it that way?
It's difficult. Once a month would suffice! Especially with kids, it's mayhem Grin

OP posts:
mumofplenty5 · 11/12/2018 19:38

I'm going through this!!! Since finding out I was pregnant he has lost his libido. Had it less than a handful of times in over a year. He said he is struggling with all sexual feeling and it makes me feel ugly. The sex is nice but it's the rejection that hurts and they way it makes me feel (unattractive and worthless). My dp finds any excuse possible... tired, stressed, when baby sleeps through (he does now), when he is older etc etc. I to don't want to force him but I don't think he understands how depressed it makes me feel so I completely understand how you feel. I miss the need that he used to have for me not the actual sex.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/12/2018 19:40

The reason i asked about steroids is because it's very easy to permanently screw up your hormonal subsystem with them. It's very easy to shut down or severely reduce natural testosterone production (and/or increase estrogen, progesterone and SHGB levels) and this would explain a drop in libido. He really needs to get his bloods tested so he knows where he stands.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 11/12/2018 19:41

My exh was a bodybuilder at national level, and steroids destroy the sex drive of users.
Sounds like he's back on them. Is he snappy, or moody at all?

Dimsumlosesum · 11/12/2018 19:42

He may be asexual?

Justmuddlingalong · 11/12/2018 19:45

I'd be irked that he can find the time and energy to go to the gym, but not for you.

thinkingcapon · 11/12/2018 19:54

Does he show his affection in other ways?

busybarbara · 11/12/2018 20:01

would hate for dp to ever feel like he's not enough

Sounds like he isn't though. You either need to tolerate it, tell him to man up and have sex with you, take on a man on the side, or split. That's basically it.

AntMoon · 11/12/2018 20:03

My DH would rather cuddle than have sex. It's like the stereotypical roles are reversed! My libido has always been a bit higher. Which is fine (not fine).

Now we're actively TTC he makes an effort (well, he sorta has to) but I think unless I instigate it (90 percent of the time) it wouldn't happen. It's great when it does and he enjoys it.

I try to be more 'feminist' (like, I should be or something) and get my self esteem from me, not base it on how attractive I feel in relation to my DH but it does hurt when he doesn't even think about being intimate for weeks.

I don't want it to be effort, just want to be wanted, you know? Coz I fancy him...

UhUhUhDennis · 11/12/2018 20:09

My first thought was steroids. How sure are you that he's not taking them again? My husband also lost some libido taking other supplements for the gym like Creatine. I would see if he has changed anything about his supplement routine. I would make it clearer to him that this is a big deal for you and he needs to work with you not keep sticking his head in the sand. Life sounds pretty full on, may be check with him he's not feeling depressed, up at 5am every day with full time work and the gym and a child and a pregnant wife - could easily be lack of sleep/depression/supplements combination.

DianaT1969 · 11/12/2018 20:11

I'd suspect that if he is motivated to go to the gym every morning, whilst holding down a full-time job and caring for a toddler eves and weekends, then he may be using steroids again.

Mincingfuckdragon · 11/12/2018 20:19

I could have written your OP 15 years ago. There's no underlying medical reason for my DH, although I think there may be a childhood trauma in there somewhere.

It may not get better OP. At this point, I know my situation won't.

My choices - and possibly yours too - are to never have sex again, to have an affair, or to leave.

I think I've chosen to never have sex again, which makes me sad. (I don't want to break up our family as our kids would be devastated and he's a good man. I can't really countenance the lying and sneaking about involved with an affair.)

Alltheguilts · 12/12/2018 05:07

This is us. We have a 3 month old but he's had no desire for much longer than that. It's not just sex but often any physical intimacy. When we first got together it was the opposite and I was attracted to our sexual compatibility. I can't pinpoint exactly when things changed but possibly when we moved in together 3 yrs ago
He's so kind and caring in other ways and I can't imagine breaking up our new family but don't want a lifetime of no sex.
He has a long history of depression and is currently on low dose of ssris. He's had therapy and won't go back to the gp. He tells me I am beautiful all the time and when we've talked about it he says he doesn't feel sexual towards anyone. I feel utterly lost and insecure

Heyjudas · 12/12/2018 05:18

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I don't think he's in love any more.

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