Do you/can you influence Reception friendships?

[Upanddownandroundagain]

DD started Reception this year. After initially playing with lots of children, she seems to have settled on a small group of friends, but one girl in particular.

I’m not particularly happy about it... this girl’s mom is unfriendly, cliquey, and not interested in doing things outside of school. And the girl is naughty and encouraging my DD to do things she wouldn’t have done before - and is a bit mean, she even kicked mine last week over the nativity play. (I know this is probably typical though, none of them are angels, mine included!)

AIBU to try to influence who she plays with - is it even possible?

I think it's very early days for a reception aged child to have settled into a group. I's suggest having chats with your DD about what constitutes a good friend, what to do if someone wasn't being a good friend etc

Maybe set up a big weekend play date in the hope that it casts the net a bit wider to welcome potential new friends? Or at least it will give you an opportunity to see how the group interacts with your DD.

The chats about friendship are a good idea - maybe it will sow the seed that she actually isn’t a very nice friend. I can’t see us ever seeing her outside of school - we used to, but the mom has since formed a clique that I don’t fit into and it’s so, so awkward. We did have a lovely play date with someone else at the weekend and they called each other their best friends etc, but DD still seems to be spending s lot of time with this other girl.

I felt like this a few weeks ago too, but with boys. Generally it’s a lovely class, and if anything it’s a couple of the parents who are a bit funny 😂 But my son was drawn to one of the more Wild children, and was getting told off for being silly when together.
I spent a few weeks in the playground encouraging him to play with everyone, and not to dump friend 1 when this friend (2) arrived. I explained that if he did this, friend 1 might not want to play at all, or might dump him for friend 3 etc. To my surprise it seemed to sink in. He does still have a man crush on this friend, but he spends much more time playing nicely with the others.
Good luck

Talking to them about what is and is not a good friend is probably the best way to make them realize which of their friends aren't really nice friends ... or friends at all.

When they start puberty, they won't listen to their parents anymore, anyway, so you better start giving them the tools to see it for themselves rather than just telling them who is or is not a good friend.

Use it as an opportunity to teach your dd that she has her own mond and is responsible for her own behaviour. There will always be other children doing the wrong thing - it’s up to her if she joins in.

Yes and no.

I have gently nudged on multiple occasions.

I love the yes and no answer - that’s exactly how I feel. I really want to help her to see that this isn’t a great friendship in many ways, but I can’t see how I can get her to understand!

Nope never interfered

Set up play dates with the dc you think are acceptable friends. Avoid ones with the ones you don't. Also, you could suggest not to play with someone if you do not think they are nice. My dd was playing w a girl who had done several naughty things and getting my dd to do the same in reception. I explained to my dd these behaviours were wrong and why and I suggested she does not play with the girl so much. This worked and she moved on to other friends.

Personally i would just leave her to make her own choices

I think you need to be honest with yourself about whose interests you’re acting in TBH.

The kick at the nativity wasn’t great, but the rest of it reads a little bit like you’re trying to manipulate your DD’s friends to suit your own Mum-friend wants.

Your DD is a separate person to you, and she has a separate life to her home-life at school. It is not necessary for you to get on the other child’s Mum, or for your families to socialise outside school.

That’s not a good enough reason to break up a friendship TBH. Sorry.

I don't think you can directly interfere with friendships but you can teach your child how she should expect to be treated by friends,.mainly in a treat others how you'd like to be treated way.

Apart.from some short lived blips my DC have generally chosen friends with similar values to us even though some of the backgrounds have been very different.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about whose interests you’re acting in TBH.

This is a bit of an eye opener and has really made me think. Maybe I am doing that a bit. But I’m also thinking about how desperate she is to have friends come round to our house - I haven’t got many friends, so we haven’t got a thriving social life compared to other people, you know? And some of the stories about this little girl, some of the things that have happened would be outing. But I do take this point to heart, it’s a great point that I’m going to keep in mind.