To not like the way DD is treated at school?

[BandOfOses]

I have a 15 year old DD. Yesterday there was an art presentation at school. We were stood looking at DDs work when a group of her classmates came over. They said a few words to her and then carried on talking amongst themselves with DD just stood in the sidelines. At one point a girl next to DD said “which paintings are yours?” To which DD pointed out her paintings. They all looked at each confused and then one said “she wasn’t talking to you, she was talking to Helena”. They all laughed. The girl then followed up with “we’re not bothered about yours!”. They all laughed more. DD said “oh, sorry I thought you were talking to me”. The girl then said “aww sorry, I’m only joking, your paintings are really good”. They then made their excuses and left (giggling).
DD looked upset but said she wasn’t. This kind of thing happens all the time. One time DD was walking home, a girl ran up behind her and said “I’ll walk hone with you”. They started walking home together and then the girl spotted her friend across the road and said “oh there’s Poppy, I’ll walk home with her”. And ran off leaving DD walking on her own!! DD insists that she isn’t bullied. The teachers say she isn’t bullied but surely this behaviour is an indication of something going on? Or am I being paranoid?

Don’t think you are being paranoid, it’s certainly bullying of a type, but maybe not as bad as you naturally perceive it to be.

Seems from your post these are immature and unpleasant 15 year olds and your daughter is above all that, as long as you are giving her the opportunity to tell you if it’s upsetting her (which it seems you are) then it may just be that she can deal with it. It’s bullying but it’s quite low level and pretty standard behaviour for teenage girls.

Hard as it is, for now id just be proud that you have a mature daughter who sees it for the rubbish that it is and knows she doesn’t have much longer left of it. And continue to make sure she knows you are ready to talk about it if it ever became a real problem for her.

I don't think your being paranoid. They are being mean girls and your daughters sounds like a polite gentle natured girl who doesn't stand up for herself. It must be upsetting for you as a mum as we all want our children to have lovely Friends.

I would ask to speak to the school and tell them what is going on. Whether they want to label it as bullying, being mean etc doesn't really matter. Tell them you want this behaviour stamped on.

I would then see if you can help your daughter nurture friendships with the nicer girls in her class ask her to invite them over to go out together. Or maybe your daughter could join local groups sports clubs etc to create new friendship groups with kind similar natured girls.

Thirdly take your daughter out alone and see if you can get her to open up to you. Spend some quality time together which you probably already do! And see if she will confide in you and be open with how she feels.

Good luck xx

Thanks for the replies. She is a member of a karate club and has close friends there. She says there are no nice girls at the school but she’s never been able to make friends at school, not even primary school.

This is bullying, but it’s the insiduous type that only seems to affect girls. I suggest like the other poster that you spend some 1-2-1 time with her to get to the bottom of it.

Thing is, if they behave like this in front of you, what the hell are they like when you're not there?
Nasty, horrible girls 😡

This is tough OP. Our DD is younger than yours but I can see this is the route her school life will go. She just seems to be an outlier and clearly isn’t an alpha child. She is kind, sweet natured and fun but just always seems to attract this low level unkindness/exclusion. We have spoken to school about it and she goes to a friendship group but honestly I feel like she doesn’t need to change herself. So tough. We just try to buoy her up at home and encourage the friendships she has with kind children. I try to remember that whilst I was naturally drawn to the gregarious loud mouths as a child (hell, I was one) now I truly value the kind hearted, considerate ones.

Ooh bloody teenage girls can be so nasty!!
Your dd sounds lovely though and is near the end of putting up with them. It is low level bullying to exclude someone and make bitchy remarks.
I put up with it in year 11 just for having long hair which I wore in a plait (think mid 80s all short flicky styles).
When they all left it was lovely in the sixth form and I made some fantastic friends.
You could have a word with her head of year if she does get upset.
Someone will bring these nasty little witches down once they're out in the real world!

I don’t think it’s bullying but these girls aren’t her friends and have no manners. Does she have any real friends who are nice to her?

I'll go against the grain and say, no, I don't think this is 'bullying'. They're not necessarily out to make your daughter's life miserable, they're just being rather silly, superficial little girls who don't think about how their behaviours impact on those they interact with. My daughter is having much the same thing. She has been assessed as being fairly low on the social totem pole, and priority to being kind and nice to her is given accordingly. Sigh. It's not easy, is it?! It's hard for my girl, because she has come from being a fairly popular girl with a really good set of friends at her intermediate in NZ to being chucked into this Bee hive of bitchiness at a UK college - not an easy transition to make!

A good book that they can read (and you can read) is 'Queen Bees and Wanna Be's' which analyses the types of personalities and cliques in high school girldom. I found it really helped with my eldest daughter to analyse it, get some labels, and tools for dealing with it, but also depersonalised the issues to a certain extent.

Few girls like this at my school, used to bully nerdy girls like me, for entertainment. Best to ignore them and work hard. None of ours achieved that much, too busy trying to be cool than studying. You wouldn't want to be friends with them either, one of them got pregnant and they all ditched her even though they were also with boyfriends.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. We have just been told our daughter has female Aspergers. It's very different to the males (our son has the typical male version) in that the girls actually look Neuro Typical - great eye contact, good conversation...what the girls do is study social interaction and behave in a certain way to fit in. But they can struggle with friendships. I think these girls seem regular to adults but their peers pick up something is different about them. Please watch this video about female Aspergers.

That sounds like totally standard behaviour for that age group - they're all very awkward and a lot of what they say comes across as very rude. I've seen adults struggle with a situation in which someone was talking to one person and another person answered - the response is often embarrassed laughing and stiff comments - it takes a very socially able person to deal with that sort of situation (even though it seems really innocuous).

It sounds like your DD isn't fitting in - children that age don't respond well to people who don't give 'standard' responses - they like predictability and anyone who is a bit different can really struggle because the people around them tense up when they act a bit differently and it can cause the whole situation to spiral into a pit of embarrassment and nastiness, even when the intention to be nasty wasn't there originally. It'd be great if your DD could find someone to click with and essentially just ignore the girls that she struggles around - chances are they'll ignore her back.

Could she try and be friends with some nice boys instead?

She sounds like me, I just kept to myself too.I had 2 girls I tried to stick by but truth be told it was more so I had someone to sit beside. I was never popular but never the 'nerd' so I just was somewhere in between. She will be fine, she will probably feel a slight bit of sadness or longing for someone in her day but if she has close friends at clubs etc she will be fine. It's a hard thing school, sometimes it's just easier to be yourself and not have everyone know your business or drag you into things. She probably finds it easier. But do ask every so often just to make sure :)

Lots of sexist comments on this thread. I have a son and a daughter, boys can be just as "bitchy"

Re the OP, it doesn't sound like she's being bullied as such just not part of the "cool gang" they're still quite young, hopefully they will grow up a bit in the next couple of years

They seem like typical mean popular girls I had at my school. Always being mean and making comments to anyone not in their group and finding it hilarious. It is hurtful, but your daughter sounds like she rises above it. I am glad she has close friends elsewhere, it's not nice to deal with at school.

Not long now till she leaves, difficult as it's not really 'bullying' that you can report to teachers - ask them to keep an eye out maybe.

To be honest, if they are not her friends and it's not bothering her, I wouldn't label it 'bullying' in case you make it more than it is.

She has better friends outside school and is managing to rise about these immature comments, so I would leave it at that.

Unpleasant but par for the course for teenage girls.

Yanbu op. I think in your position I would make an appointment to speak to whoever is in charge of pastoral care at the school and ask them to investigate/keep an eye on your dd.

It's not bullying as such but it's bitchy shitty behaviour, the type some teenage girls think is funny and makes them look good.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Becayse you could cause her more problems. She's going to meet people like this throughout her life sadly, so she just needs to try hard to build uo resilience and not let it effect her. Easier said than done I know.

@ittakes2 - thanks for the link, a fascinating watch.

Also came on to say, not just girls. There is a group of boys (yes, it's the "popular" boys who refuse to (for example) sit next to my son (and others) in class (and if forced to by the teacher make a big thing as sitting as far away as possible within the constraints of the furniture.
Ignoring and rising above it does seem to be the best policy.

This isn't bullying for god's sake... they just aren't friends with your DD. Which is perfectly fine - not everyone has to be friends with everyone.

I would also question there being no nice girls. I have a 13 year old DD and whilst there is a lot of PITA type behaviour / drama, including from DD, most of the girls can be lovely (though regular fallouts seem to be standard) and also there's normally some nice but socially awkward girls isolated.

This was my dds experience in school too, but I wouldn't call it bullying. These girls are just young and selfish and don't care about other people's feelings.