To be upset with the expectation of sex

[bruise]

I'll try to post this without rambling but I'm upset and finding it hard.

Last night, cuddling husband in bed. His hands wander, I tell him as he's exhausted and really needs the sleep rather than sex. He says "but I miss you". Translation, "I miss sex". I point out we had sex twice last week. His response was "and that's more than we've had in the past year".

Here's my last 12 months.
-Heavily pregnant
-Given birth. Stiched up. Piles.
-Establishing breastfeeding. Permanent baby-boob contact.
-2 weeks later, my dad dies. Fly to Spain without my baby for funeral. Hideous funeral at a mosque, see his face, body covered in a cloth, buried in a weird brick hole, filled in with concrete. Can't deal with this but I'm told by my dad's Muslim family that it's normal.. (I was brought up by my mum in England, not religious). Still struggling with the impact his death/funeral has had on me.
-baby doesn't sleep well. Exhausted.
-Struggle with breastfeeding after being away from baby for 2 days. Try to re establish good supply for 3 months. Ultimately fail.
-sell house. Buy new house. Move. Unpack. All while toddler has chicken pox.
-overnight trips to Spain to deal with my dad's affairs, empty his apartment etc

Plus all the day to day shit, housework, looking after the children, cooking, KIT days at work. Etc.

But I'm still measured on how much sex I've been "providing".

I tell him all this and has just says "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you"

I feel so inadequate. I feel angry because who the fuck is anyone to make me feel like that. But I still feel it. We went through all this with our first baby, I'm upset it's still an issue.

Hell of a drip feed OP.

Not surprised you’re struggling with intimacy after he behaved like that. But you have obviously decided to try and move past it. That might take more work than you think. Would couples therapy help? Sometimes just putting something behind you isn’t enough to actually enable you to move on from it.

alternatively you could leave the scummy bastard

The postscript changes things considerably.

Massively.

He basically cheated on you. Of course you don't want sex, why did you forgive him? He's contributing to your unhappiness

I’m sure you had your reasons for forgiving him, including having a small baby and hoping things could work. I’m sure most of us would be the same, it’s easy to say LTB from behind a keyboard but not as straightforward as that. But agreed with others OP, no wonder you are feeling insecure given the backstory. Can you talk about it?

What he did was wrong.

But it's really unfair to move on from something, have another baby whilst Sri holding this against him.

If you can't move past it, you should leave.

A woman having her husband holiday poor behaviour against her for a long time would be told the same.

Where do holiday come from?

I was going to say maybe he thought sex would be nice and take your mind off things and then I read about the Tumblr and realised how horrible he is.

Well that was a game changer drip feed.

Before that I was struggling to see what he had done wrong. I often phrase is (in my mind but only because it’s not a conversation we have/need to have) that I “miss” my husband when we can’t have sex. I miss the closeness, the connection, the immediacy of the moment. It’s not because I think he’s only worthy when he’s providing sex. How bizarre. No one “provides” sex in my marriage, we engage in it together.

The second post is completely different, he’s behaved appallingly there.

Unless you're able to forgive him completely (and I don't see why you should because what he did was disgusting) you're always going to resent being intimate with him.

I have experience of a man who does things like what your H did, in my case he went the whole hog and slept with somebody else and would've carried on doing so if she didn't spill the beans. I found it incredibly hard to want to be close to him physically after I found him out, and try as I might, I couldn't get past it so had to call it a day, which is nothing less than he deserved.

Sex with the right person isn't a chore, sex with a lying pervert absolutely is one.

You've been through a terribly difficult time over the past year so I don't have much sympathy for your H in light of what he did, but I do have a lot for you. I'm very sorry about your father

As you have two different scenarios sounds like you want us to help you hate him.. Its ok to miss sex in a relationship..its however, not ok to post naked pics on oneself on the net!
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What made you stay with him after the Tumblr situation ?

of oneself *