Building bridges at Christmas for the sake of my son

[xmaspudpud]

Name changed for this as my previous posts have been very personal and outing. I did get some fab advice though and now I hope to get some more fab advice in-time for Christmas! It's going to be a long post but here it goes.

My Husband and I have recently had a (much longed for) beautiful baby boy. We have a wonderful life together with our son and our animals. We have fulfilling careers and we live in a beautiful home. Without sounding boastful, we really are as happy as can be.

The only problem we have is unfortunately my husbands immediate family. I really don't want this to come across as a 'PIL/BIL/SIL' bashing thread but I will be brutally honest as I really need some help to make this better.

To begin, Husband and his Brother are estranged and have been for approx 5 years. Both in their mid 30s. No contact at all, not even when we had our little boy (his blood nephew). This stems from the Brothers undeniable jealousy of Husband. To quote a mutual friend the Brother is 'the less popular, less good looking, less successful version of my Husband'. Whilst this sounds harsh, it is true. Brother lives with their Dad and his new wife and children (sleeping on their sofa for over a year now as he is constantly switching jobs/in debt/no friends etc). Throughout the years Brother and his long term GF (she lives with her own parents also, same issues as Brother) have done some unforgivable things to both myself and my Husband. They have tried to break us up on many occasions (making up cheating accusations which bare no truth). They have bought into question my mental health whilst telling extended family members that I am crazy/an alcoholic/slut/on drugs. They have accused Husband of being arrogant and a liar. They react nastily if we are visited/spend time with extended family to the point where they have 'cut off' people who have spent time in our home. I have heard they will not have my Husbands and my name mentioned in their presence. I could go on and on but the main thing that sticks with me is that the Brother and GF wished our unborn son dead during my pregnancy (made even more painful as we have suffered many losses previously).

Husband and I keep ourselves to ourselves. We often have extended family members mention the Brother and GFs movements to which we just smile and nod. We honestly do nothing to enrage the situation. Even when we are made aware of some of the horrific things they have said we keep our cool and never react in public.

Husbands DF and DM blame Husband and I for not reaching out and making things better as in their eyes we are (slightly older) and (on paper) we have a much easier way of life. Finding it hard to forgive Brother and GF we have never been interested in healing this rift and we can't help but see them as poison. We are so happy that why would we invite this negativity directly into our lives? Because of our reluctance to 'build bridges' Husbands DF and DM have distanced themselves from us. I must admit that some of the Brothers and GF slander appears to have affected their view of us too. This makes me sad for our baby son as it is looking like he will not have a loving relationship with his Grandparents on Husbands side.

I am so annoyed with Husbands parents for being manipulated this way and I feel like we are being held hostage in the way that if we don't patch things up our son will suffer?

For the record, In the past all family members have had similar failings out with Brother and GF. They have form for this but astonishingly this is all forgotten now.

Finally, what would you do? Should I listen to my brain and stay away from these spiteful people or do I go with my heart and make amends for the sake of my son. The time of year especially is playing on my mind. My Husband has written this with me. We are a team and would like an unbiased view on this situation. For what it's worth we have unwavering support from every member of my family. Thank you in advance MN xx

Do nothing, his DPs are adults and if they keep you all at a distance that is their choice. Your ds wont miss out on anything because he won’t know any different. In the long run it will be them who miss out.
My dh fell out with his DM long ago we offered olive branches but she continued to ignore him, our dcs have never met her and probably never will.

Do you think your son will benefit from contact with these people? Do you think they will be able to treat him decently when they cannot treat either his father or his mother decently?

I suspect that the answer to these questions is that he will not benefit from contact, and they won’t be able to treat him better than they treat you and your dh.

In short - trust your head not your heart, unless and until you see genuine regret for their bad behaviour, and real improvement, don’t try p building bridges.

You have very little to gain and a huge toxic mess to inherit if you start "building bridges".

Do your DS a favour and protect him from having to be exposed to awful people, blood connection or not. You owe him a life lesson here - people don't have a right to be in your life without boundaries and treating you right, they don't have a license to do or say horrible things and still be treated as friends/relatives.

Just continue as you are, quietly, undramatically keeping your distance, IMHO. anything else is madness.

whatever you're looking for for your DS (wider social network? more family to fill his or your support network?) can be found elsewhere.

Thank you for your responses. It’s warming to receive support instead of being treated as ‘the bitch’ who refuses to make amends.

IGGY, thank you for your advice. I’m sorry to hear that. Do your DC ever ask about her? I know they have never met her but are they aware that they don’t have a ‘Nanna’ on their Dads side?

SDT, you are completely correct. We don’t feel our son will benefit at all from having them in his life. It’s more that I would hate for him to feel rejected in the future as they have pretty much rejected him since birth.

EILAIANNE, YES! It is a huge toxic mess and from the outside looking in it is madness to even consider letting them ‘in’. I am not so much looking for my son to have a social/support network. I feel we have that covered with my side of the family and our friends. It’s more that I don’t want my son to feel unwanted if that makes sense? One day he will be grown enough to ask why he doesn’t know/see Daddy’s family. It’s especially hard for me as my family are so close and I adored my Grandparents on both sides.

I wouldn't do a fucking thing. Don't allow this madness to intrude upon your lives. Stay well clear. Whatever your BIL's problems are are for him to deal with. Protect the happiness of your family at all costs.

They wished your baby boy dead. There is no coming back from that.

My husband is nc with his sibling. They thought it would be funny to send Mothercare magazines in my name after a miscarriage. Sibling is a midwife which cuts deeper. Also called me a whoreand a slug to anyone who would listen (:I have only ever been with my husband )

I could go on and on and I tried so damm hard. In the end he decides nc I had no opinion on it.

I'm really sorry but the world is just full of people who know the behaviour is wrong as your husband's parents must however he is poisoning them and until they get the lightbulb moment then I'm afraid this will continue.

I'd go as far to say ease keep your longer for baby boy away from them all. I presume your parents know about wishing there grandchild dead and that is just sickening and you have so much why do you need them really?

My pil are dead and my 3 girls copr fine with my family and now my husbands family.

Slut I mean. Slug would have been nice of her her

Aqua - I want to applaud your response! I completely agree. We just want the best for our son but we are starting to realise that the best we can do for him is to protect him from certain relatives. As a PP said ‘blood connection or not’ they will do my boy no good I am sure of it.

USER1484... My god you sound like you can completely relate to my situation. I am so sorry your DH siblings treated you that way (what they did to you is truly a disgrace). I am glad to hear your DC cope well without the PIL. You are so right, we do have a lot and we don’t need them! I did enjoy the ‘slug’ typo though I must admit.

Things are becoming clearer. It’s easier knowing that we aren’t the only ones in this predicament. How can ‘family’ behave like such assholes without batting an eyelid? I honestly can’t fathom it!

And yes PIL are aware that BIL and GF wished our beautiful son dead. They have never had an opinion on this (as far as I am aware) and that hurts in itself. My poor son doesn't have the love he deserves from his 'Grandparents' and it breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy and the way they have all treated him makes me so angry!

After I split from my ex husband he decided that he wanted no contact with our 3 children. None of his side of the family have ever asked to have contact with them either. Despite my anger with ex, I would have put the children’s feelings first and would have let them have contact with their grandparents, uncle and other family on his side had they of asked for it. They never have. This has caused the children significant pain and upset. They are all old enough to to know that the family on ex’s side have chosen not to have contact with them. It hurts me to see my children struggle to understand why their own relatives want nothing to do with them. From what you have said it seems that your son would not be missing out on anything if he did not have a close relationship with your husbands family. If they can treat you and your husband so awfully, they can and will, treat your son the same way. They have the power to cause your son significant emotional and mental abuse . Don’t give them that power. Don’t trust them. Protect your son from these toxic people. He will thank you for it one day when he’s old enough to understand. As for now, if he grows up with only your side of the family as support from the beginning of his life, he won’t know any different. And you won’t have the anxiety of what his family may one day do, that will affect your son negatively. Let him grow up carefree and safe, away from these people who will never have a positive affect on his life, but may cause him a lifetime of hurt, if allowed to do so.

LINDA - I am so sorry your ExH and his family put your dc though that. It pains me to think of any children being made to feel that way by grown adults. And thank you, you are right, they WILL treat him as badly as they have treated us I am sure of it. I feel so much more confident in going NC with them after these responses. Thank you everyone xx

Xmaspudpud they don’t know that she exists, my dh was brought up by his Grandparents so my dcs had Nannie on dh side and we haven’t pointed out that Nannie was in fact their great grandmother. On my side they have Nanna, Grandad, and great grandad plus aunties and uncles.

They do indeed sound poisonous, for the sake of your son, the best you can do is keep them away from him. As someone up thread said, there's no coming back from wishing a child dead, that's fucking awful and tells you everything you need to know about them and the benefit they will have in your son's life.

Remember it’s not your sons loss, it is their loss. Your son sounds like he has a wonderful family on your side. Sad for your dh I appreciate, as his family can not be the same. But as pp has said, blood does not make a family. Love does. As long as your son has plenty of love (which he sounds like he does) that is all that matters. I’ve been your son. I learnt the hard way of ‘pick me’, ‘want me’, ‘love me’, only leads to further rejection and hurt. Being made to feel not even second best hurts even more as you get older. Just keep him away from it.