To think you can cure a narcissist?

[Outofideasnow1]

My sister, brother and I realised recently that our mother is a narcissist. This hasn’t been diagnosed by a professional (she’d never go to one anyway) but she ticks every box.
She’s been turbulent all her life. Behind closed doors she’s very hard to live with (my long suffering dad has finally admitted that apart from having us, he’s wasted his life with her).
She’s constantly jealous and plays games to assess how much we care about her. When confronted she’ll say it’s us, not her. I could go into so much detail but the salient facts are these: I cannot cope with her any more and I am worried about my dad living with her. It’s not healthy. He’s 78 and she’s 76 so I thought she’d have calmed down by now.
I must be clear that she loves her family very much but there’s always an agenda and her need for attention is overwhelming for her. She doesn’t have friends so relies on her kids and grandkids for her entertainment (and she is involved in our lives to an enormous extent).
We’ve had a falling out (she lives 2 mins walk from me) because a ‘test’ she played on me backfired. I’ve had enough of her. She treats my father like absolute dirt, nothing he can do is right, and I can’t watch it anymore but what can I do?

Does anyone have any experience of narcissism and some coping/helpful strategies?

Avoid and ignore are your only options. Narcissists never change.

That’s so bleak but I appreciate your honesty. I’ve read this in every article I’ve found.

Keep your distance emotionally, set boundaries and don't confide in them.

No contact is absolutely understandable, but only for you to decide on.

My mother has borderline personality disorder & is a classic narcissist. I find telephone conversations better than face to face contact. Always keep the conversation mundane and change the subject when anything you don't want to discuss comes up.

You say she loves her family - a true narcissist loves nothing but themselves.

Did you mean can’t? Because you can’t.

You can modify the behaviour by rewarding the things you want to see with attention (as you would a toddler), but it’s exhausting- and in the end you’re behaving no better than them really.

It won’t change them on the inside tho. They’re still angry and bitter, and secretly convinced they deserve better.

Also, your dad is an adult. You're not responsible for him, as hard as that sounds. Took me ages to see my 'poor step dad' as an enabler of my mother's behaviour, rather than a victim.

Thank you. I’m sorry you have experience of this. Your description Morris my situation. The problem is our lovely dad. He is kind and patient and cheerful all the time, it’s unbelievable. The true embodiment of a hall full personality. We love having him round and we spend time as a whole family multiple times a week, this is what is so difficult.
Do you mind me asking if your mum has every been professionally assessed for you to say she has these conditions? If so does she take any medication? I’m wondering if there’s anything she can take to ‘take the edge off’ so to speak. She’s constantly wired and doesn’t miss a trick when it comes to things happening around her. She’s absolutely sharp as a knife.

It won’t change them on the inside tho. They’re still angry and bitter, and secretly convinced they deserve better.

This sentence has hit the nail on the head.

Thank you - I’m going to research the grey rock approach now.

I think the only person who can win with a narcissist is their “ golden” chosen one. Everyone else needs to be really boundaries. Is it too late for your dad to move out?

In our case yes, she's been assessed yet refuses to believe there is anything wrong.

It's everybody elses fault. According to her:

We don't care, don't love her enough, she has it so hard (she doesn't) and she expects us to read her mind, rather than tell us what she wants. There's always a motive behind everything. It's VERY tiring!

It's taken me years to manage the balance of contact as I really wanted (and want) a 'mum' - but the person I'd love her to be doesn't exist. I had to grieve that, and try to move forward.

I couldn't go no contact; she's fallen out with so many people that going no contact would make me feel like her!

Reading lots of research about BPD and Narcissism really helped.

AntMoon, your description matches my mum completely. Thank you for your honesty. It’s such a sad situation isn’t it.
Is Borderline personality disorder considered to be intertwined with Natcissism then? We only twigged recently that natcissism was the likely culprit which is incredible but it’s amazing how much you ‘normalise’ and accommodate/work around the negative behaviour and just pass the person off as highly strung

@Outofideasnow1 the thing is, when it's your mum, you've grown up with it, so it's normal! But it's not. And it's not okay to be treated badly.

I really feel for you, it's such a tough situation. Please keep reminding yourself you're not responsible for her happiness. By all means forge a relationship, but with your own boundaries in place. It'll take time.

What good bits do you have in the relationship, if any? Is she nice enough company sometimes? Or always difficult?

I'm not sure how the BPD co exisits with her narcissism to be honest, I know having a personality disorder doesn't make you a narcissist or vice-versa. And lots of people with BPD recognise it and take steps to get help.

It's hard to advise as each situation is different, but for me ignoring the negative behaviour helped, not engaging or responding to the tantrums/testing behaviour and getting on with my life.

Good luck