To not feel part of 'real life' because I don't have childreb

[TinaTurnipp]

I don't know why I feel this way because I would never and have never judged anyone myself for not having children yet since me and DH have been having problems TTC (miscarriages) I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm just constantly on the side lines.

Now I sound ridiculous but hear me out... Every day I feel like I'm surrounded by conversations with colleagues or friends about how little Johnny had his school disco on Friday or how Jane from accounts is pregnant 'did you know?!'.

Every single one of my friends has children, a lot of them have multiple and I'm sick of feeling like I can't really join in their conversations. I have a horrid sense that they forcefully try and talk about something not child related for a little while just for me and then it's back to 'oh did you see x y or z on the mum group the other day'.

I have recently squirrelled myself away and now have limited my visits with friends etc... And have decided to just stick with DH as he shares my pain and knows what we're going through.

I'm so very tired, literally exhausted of feeling like I'm missing out on some huge great experience that everyone else can share and discuss except me.

AIBU to literally never want to speak to anyone outside of my bubble again (which consists of me DH and the dog) or am I being ridiculous? Well I know I am but...

Here I am posting on Mumsnet about how I'm sick of listening to mum's talk about being mum's - ironic. But you ladies have helped me through some shit before and you're a great bunch to rant to so forgive me!

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I can't bloody escape children/mum's/Parenthood!!

It’s not your imagination and you’re not being unreasonable to feel that way but I suspect cutting yourself off will only make it worse.

I'm your pal right here.
Nearly all of our friends have children. We have been TTC for around 6 years with not a sniff of success. Need IVF but I need to shift 6 stone to be granted it (just unattainable for me).

It's bloody miserable trying to be happy for every pregnancy announcement or child based conversation when we just sit feeling envious.

I think a lot of the problem is that you say all your friends have children. Can you look at expanding your social circle to include people who are childfree? Then you'll find a whole new world of conversation that doesn't revolve around children! That's real life too.

I concur, seek out fellow childfree people. Babies and children take over your life and can make you have a bit of a one track mind. It's made me boring as fuck.

What about some nice doggy people?

I feel your pain. Luckily DSis is childless and a couple of friends are single and childless but working in the industry means ‘children’ can dominate in every way other than my actually having them. I find being on my own ridiculously isolating when everything is ‘me and x went to...’, ‘we went to dinner with the in laws’ etc etc

Just to confirm I do not in any way mean that life is not 'real' for people without children. I'd hate to imply or offend! It's simply the way it makes me feel when I sit listening to the story of my colleagues horrendous 3 year labour for the 20th time that month... Like nothing else really matters at all to these people.

I'm sure they do have other things going on but it's one big shared experience for a lot of people that I'm not part of and thus makes me feel incredibly awkward when they try to include me in the conversation!

Doggy friends is a nice idea! Though I'm not sure how to meet them. Perhaps some training classes would be a start!

It's odd because I was quite outgoing before, liked to see friends often etc... Whereas now, I'm pretty satisfied with DH being the only person I see on a regular basis! I'm not necessarily down or depressed. I just don't enjoy being around people anymore!

Feel similarly, like waiting to be a parent is waiting for my real life to start. TTC for ages now.

AntMoon yes exactly. It's very isolating

I'm not one to get upset about things usually, I'm more of a grumpy type so it takes a lot to refrain from eye rolling when I'm asked by an unsuspecting person 'so when are you having one?' as if it's a given that we must!

I suppose it doesn't help that no one really knows the struggles we're having except a couple of close friends so they don't realise but then again, I don't really want to be sharing the ins and outs of my personal life with pretty much everyone I come into contact with.

Sigh.

So many people with small children seem unable to talk about anything else, it's not your imagination.

I had my DCs many years ago and it was the same then. I got sick of conversations about nursery/schools and what little Johnie got up to.

One of my DDs has small DCs and all her conversation is about them. I love her and her DC dearly but when I'm with her there's no getting away from talk about children and sometimes I'd just like to talk about other things.

Don't shut yourself away though. Try finding some new interests where the focus isn't so child centred.

I recently joined a choir. The people are a diverse bunch of all ages and their conversation reflects that. We all have a common interest, singing, but we all also have completely different sorts of lives so have a lot to offer one another in fresh conversation.

If you're very dog interested have you thought of doing something like agility, if your dog is up for that sort of thing? Although again, you'll probably find doggy people pretty dog focused.

Keep the faith that it will happen, somehow or another, in whatever form. It is so hard. One thing that helped me was to think, this is their child, not mine. Mine is waiting to come to me. You will be a mum. In the meantime, the suggestions re child free and dog friends are good ones.

I also had trouble TTC, but am very lucky to now have a 13 month old through IVF. I can honestly say though that unless I'm speaking to a friend who also has a baby, my child very rarely comes up in conversation. And when she does, it's usually because someone else has asked about her. I suppose I just feel that though I love my child more than anything, I don't expect anyone else to be particularly interested! So if others can't talk about anything other than their children, that's really their problem, not yours.

@TinaTurnipp I'm so similar. Not a lot upsets me as such, but I feel very fragile over the TTC subject. I want to talk about the rollercoaster ride of it (the two week wait, so emotionally tough!) to share my feelings- but then my friends fell pregnant at the drop of a hat so they can't quite understand. And they want to talk about baby sleeping patterns and nurseries, not ovulation!

I don't belong to their club.

Imagine my face when my MIL said "your ovaries aren't getting any younger" last time I saw her & avoided answering the babies question. GEE THANKS!

It's not helpful when people ask when you're going to start a family, and in my opinion it bloody rude.

You don't have to answer them. I always find an enigmatic smile is enough to shut people up when you don't want to discuss your personal life with them.

Once they've asked the question and you've just smiled and not actually answered them it would take a very thick skinned person to repeat the question.

Yes no one is really as interested when talking about TTC. I don't really know anyone else who has had to think about it as much as I have iyswim.

I don't necessarily begrudge anyone for it, it's a huge part of their life but my God it's tiring.

I’ve been there OP and yes it’s draining and no YANBU. I’m so very sorry for your losses, that’s really tough. Maybe you need some time of work, some time with just you, your DH and dog?

Yanbu and I totally appreciate where you are coming from. I don't have dc through conscious choice on my part. It may or may not change but it's something I am content with so much so that I did a little happy dance when my period arrived last week.

That said and I know it's harder done than said but I would avoid allowing it to consume your every waking moment even if you have can't help it. I don't mean that in the sense that once you stop worrying about it you'll find yourself pregnant with twins due in the new year but more that you need to allow your self to wallow in misery then try and climb out of that feeling from time to time.

I have children and feel like I’m not part of real life because I don’t have a job or a prospect of getting one.

Swings and roundabouts I think. Be kind to yourself. Life is hard enough.

I think it works both ways. For years I felt I wasn't part of real life because I have children.

I'm sorry for your losses and how you feel about your situation though. I agree with those who said maybe expand your social circle to include others without children.

I feel for you. It does get better, so hang in in there and in the meantime maybe try and explain to some if your friends? I know thar when I was going through IVF (which failed four times) I shut myself away and it wasn't until a lot later that some of my friends who had children said that they wished I'd mentioned it because they did understand as some of them had suffered fertility problems too. A couple of my fellow childless friends had also been through something similar, but had come to terms with it after many years and would have supported me - us - if only we'd all have mentioned it. Infertility isn't shameful and affects a lot of people, if only we opened up to each other a bit more.

In the meantime for you.

Thanks all

I'm okay generally. I have my days where I'd rather stay in bed but mostly I can get on with it and I'm quite happy to just crack on.

But I realised yesterday you literally cannot go a single day, possibly not even an hour in today's world without hearing someone talk about babies/children. Even at home, every other advert is for nappies or some form of child related nonsense. I guess you don't notice it the same unless you're thinking about it.

Not sure if anyone else remembers it but I found the Pampers advert very annoying last Christmas. Just two minutes of people giving birth to the tune of jingle bells or whatever it was. And it was on every. three. seconds.

I am a grumpy cow, I know I am. But I just want one blissfully child free day so I can just be angry at how fucking annoying all this TTC is without being reminded how I'm not quite doing something right like everyone else.

Anyway, best get up and ready for work. I have an exciting day of listening to how dilated my colleague was before they took her down to the delivery ward, over my morning porridge.

To be fair, I imagine its the same for anything you are 'struggling' with in life.

You're concerned about your job? Everyone around you will be 'successful'.

Concerned about money? All your friends are going on fancy holidays and the only adverts that appear on your screen are for things you can't afford.

I guess it's all down to what we notice because it's what is on our minds.

Although from people's responses here it doesn't seem to be just me that thinks people talk about kids constantly so at least I'm not going totally insane. Yet.

You sound pretty sensible and not over sensitive at all to me