To criticise DH’s parenting?

[namechangefail8]

FTM to a gorgeous two week old, DH and I are in love. But I find myself criticising how he takes care of the baby. For example:

1. Baby is making noises in Moses basket and DH is sat on his laptop playing computer games. Doesn’t look at baby unless I ask him. (Note not full on cries or anything.) I am usually tell it’s time for a new nappy but DH will keep playing his game until baby is a bit more distressed.
2. DH is changing the baby and pulls him up to get the clean nappy under his bum and back. But he lifts him so high it’s almost putting pressure on his neck! I just lift him so his bum/hips are up, seems the way DH does it could cause an injury?
3. After changing the nappy, the baby is crying and wants to feed. As I’m getting ready DH starts shouting (things like “weeeee!!!!” And the baby’s name) and singing loudly in the baby’s face. He means well I know but I think it is too much for a newborn baby? I reckon he thinks the baby will respond more like a six month old or older.
4. He will have the baby in his lap whilst he’s on his laptop and be completely absorbed and not pay attention to the baby, whether his head is positioned alright, etc.

AIBU or too precious or would you also be unhappy if your OH did these things? I know he’s usually meaning well and don’t want to criticise his parenting too much (first baby for both of us) but also worry he is over stimulating the baby or could even hurt him (in the case of lifting him so far up his back during a change!) If I ANBU, how can i talk to DH about this? If I mention it, he is offended and feels I am judging him harshly. We have a good relationship and communicate well generally but obviously with the baby things have changed.

If it's dangerous or negligent then talk to him. Otherwise accept that his way is as valid as your way.
Hard to tell without being there, but not convinced any of this is a real problem.

• so the baby isn’t upset just making noises? That doesn’t mean they need immediate attention imo.

• while your making the bottle he tries to distract her? Why is that a problem?

How high is he lifting him when changing his nappy? You have to lift pretty high to get the new nappy under the bottom but obviously do it gently.

The other things wouldn't bother me really, just try and relax and not be too hyper vigilant where DH is concerned as you'll end up driving yourself crackers.

Congratulations

It’s not that he’s trying to distract her but that he’s actually shouting in the baby’s face, the way you might if you were with a much bigger baby and trying to have it laugh. In this case our baby is only two weeks old and seems a bit young for shouting. Especially when he’s already fussed about having a nappy changed?

I think that having the baby in his lap with the head bit supported (the baby’s head is tilted forwRd and the chin is near the chest) is a bit negligent, no? I thought this meant that baby cannot breathe well. Especially if DH is absorbed in his video game and by paying attention to the baby...?

I can't imagine holding a 2-week-old and not supporting them. Why is a frigging video game more important than holding his dc?? Is your h the SAHP? Or does he only see dc after work? Why isn't he more keen to spend time with his dc instead of playing stupid games??

Honestly, I despair of a lot of the 'men' I read about on MN.

You're being a little precious.

If the baby is just making a noise and not crying then it's fine to leave them for a bit.

Nothing you've said screams dangerous, you're just new to it all and way over thinking it.

He shouldn’t have the baby unsupported in his lap like that. No way.

Ordinarily I’d say the other things are you being too picky but given he does that, I’m inclined to suspect he’s not doing a great job generally. Sounds a bit like he sees the baby as a toy.

That’s how I feel too. DH is on parental leave for two weeks but I reckon he doesn’t know exactly what to do with a newborn. He does also spend time giving the baby cuddles, cooking, cleaning, etc. The video games are not often but I also feel the baby is only so teeny for so long! Why play video games? I am also perhaps a bit jealous that he can just do what he wants when he wants whilst I am feeding round the clock.

You sound over anxious , but you’re a new mum and entitled to be. The only thing I’d be “worried” about is the neck thing, so just remind him to support the baby’s neck. No big deal

I don’t think he treats the baby like a toy exactly, he really loves the baby, I think he just doesn’t recognise how fragile a newborn can be.

Hmm that doesn’t sound so bad. Unfortunately fathers can often feel a bit useless when the mother is BF. If he’s doing cooking, cleaning nappy changing there isn’t much left... you’re not expecting him to just sit and gaze at the baby are you?

So yeah give him a reminder about the neck thing and maybe give him some positive ideas about how to interact with the baby. Like letting the baby grasp his finger or feeling how soft the baby’s hair is, pointing out the little faces the baby makes etc.

But new babies aren’t as fragile as people often think they are either.
I have 3 dc so I know it’s hard to see your dh doing things differently but from my own experience I’d tend to but my tongue unless it’s dangerous or negligent which I don’t think any of this really is. You run the risk of stressing yourself out massively and in a few months time feeling resentment because you are doing everything because he has given up trying.
The computer playing is a bit shit and not ideal but as you say yourself they are tiny for so short a time he won’t be doing that for very much longer because baby will be less patient and more wriggly. Tbh I didn’t find any of my newborns that interesting so I don’t see what he should be doing instead of you say he’s pretty good around the house and you’re not being left to do it all.

You’re overthinking this. Just because it’s not the way you would do it doesn’t mean it’s a problem.

I think he just doesn’t recognise how fragile a newborn can be.

I’ve just seen this comment and I’m with a pp. fragile, yes. But not as fragile as you think they are.

Thank you, good to know I’m being a bit U. I appreciate the suggestions for prompting him on “better” behaviours. And the perspective that perhaps our NB is not so fragile as id think.

I think it's overstating to call this his 'parenting' , but you're entitled to tell him his handling of the baby and the boisterous shouting is stressing you out a bit in the midst over everything you have to adjust to now, and you'd appreciate it if he'd be more gentle.

The fragile thing is also a lot easier with the hindsight of perspective. I think it’s fair to say my 3rd was not worried about anywhere near as much as my 1st

@Echobelly, that is a helpful suggestion, thank you.
@potteringalong, thank you, I reckon I have a bit of FTM nerves.

Honestly it doesn’t sound that bad. I wouldn’t criticise every little thing he does or he will stop trying and it will cause a lot of resentment in your relationship. I agree with pp that newborns are not as fragile as you think.

Think you, yes really want to avoid creating unnecessary strain as I’m
Aware this can be a challenging time for relationships! and I really do believe he’s a great dad. Just not sure when to speak or bite my tongue. I reckon if it seems like safety I’ll say something but otherwise will leave well enough alone.

I wouldn't like to say you're being precious, but you sound very anxious and maybe over cautious! No judgement because I was there just a few months ago! But you soon realise they aren't as fragile as they look! It's normal to feel so protective though over your little bundle so maybe gently say to him that while he isn't doing anything wrong exactly it makes you uncomfortable to see your baby handled like that so could he please do things slightly differently just to put your mind at ease. Congratulations on your baby!

Throw the fucking laptop out the window. Seriously!

Thank you
@Roobub glad I’m not the only one who’s been anxious. Feel rubbish for being hard on DH and my sure if BU or baby blues hormones or what.
@Justwinginglifeasusual, I’m about 24 hours away from flushing it down the loo but I reckon he deserves to unwind a bit as well with all the cooking and cleaning and nappies ... but bloody wish he wouldn’t do it during “family” time!