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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother

11 replies

catz13598 · 10/12/2018 14:51

Hi,

I have been trying to work on a relationship with my mum. She is one that if you don't call her, she won't call you. I have been trying to organise a family get together at xmas, and she has tried to manipulate things so she has it her way.

This has backfired massively,and I am aware that there has been a certain amount of negative talk of my parenting, husband, dogs etc said to other family members. After a siblings phone call to her, sibling sent me a very matter of fact text saying he wont have my kids over as they break stuff. I know I had previous phone calls with my mum saying how my eldest is clumsy and can walk into things. It seems too closely related. So I've just said I won't be visiting and that means I won't be seeing her there either. She had got DC a few xmas pressies which I'm not sure if she will get them to them now. Why do i feel bad about this, she has never shown much interest in my dc, and they are not bothered, they hardly know her.

So AIBU to just not call her again. She has form for this type of thing so it's not new.

In addition, I am finding it hard to fathom any mum would do this, I am starting to think she actually dislikes me and my children. If that's the case, why not just distance yourself, what makes someone actively try to damage that persons character to other family members. It seems so vindictive. It's so hurtful.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 10/12/2018 15:02

Would you do better to work on the relationships with your siblings? That way when your mother tries to stir up trouble, it wouldn't work as the relationship you have with your siblings would be an honest one.

Unicornandbows · 10/12/2018 15:07

The fact that she doesn't contact you unless you contact her shows she is actively trying to distance herself from you. This is really sad however I would want to confront said sibling. They both seem rude tbh

Piffle11 · 10/12/2018 15:18

I would second having it out with your DB. My DM often bitches to me about my DSis, and I know she does it to her about me, too. If we dare say anything she either tries to laugh it off or gets all hurt and upset. There are people who will tell you to try and sort it out and build a relationship with DM, but I say YANBU to get it go. If all you get is grief then what's the point? If it was a partner you would be advised to give him the push, so why is a close relative allowed to make us feel bad? I've reassessed a couple of relationships in my life - female friends - and have realised that I actually get no joy from either. So I'm taking a step back. Thinking about your DM: do you feel happiness when she's around, do you miss her when she's not? Or do you get agitated or upset?

Original poster
catz13598 · 10/12/2018 16:04

Yes I've other siblings and we get on ok, we know what she's like. I am going to go nc with other sibling as this is one of many slights from him. My mum has encouraged him to be rude to me and disrespectful, I'd hope he'd grow up and stop, but he is getting worse. I've had enough. At his wedding I travelled down 7 hours to be at his wedding. I went to see him and visited him at a friends house where he was staying with his to be wife the night before the wedding, where another one of my siblings was staying over as well. He actually asked me to leave and said it was getting late, which is understandable. But as i was leaving another one of there friends was arriving. He then accused my dc at messing with the music at the wedding, and I was watching them, they'd been no where near it. I moved on, and let it go as wedding nerves/stress.
One of my siblings had been at a family gathering with my mum and said sibling, and had said that my parenting etc had been criticized. Bearing in mind my sibling doesn't have children, so he's no idea.
God to be honest I don't even know how I feel about her anymore. I seem to need validation, but am never going to get it.

OP posts:
Km06 · 10/12/2018 16:19

No contact asap

Snowwontbelong · 10/12/2018 16:22

Exhausted just reading op!! Do yourself a massive favour - make 2019 the year to put yourself first.
Nobody else will you know!!

LavenderBush · 10/12/2018 16:33

Yep, I would work on your relationships with your 'nice' siblings and bin off the crap one (and your mum, too, by the sound of it).

You don't owe them a relationship and your kids will be better off without toxic people in their lives.

I would also put time into your friendships, because this kind of family scenario can turn pretty unpleasant and you want to have good, supportive people in your life who have nothing to do with your family.

LavenderBush · 10/12/2018 16:35

Oh... and maybe rethink your policy of arranging get-togethers with people who are nasty to you!

Original poster
catz13598 · 10/12/2018 16:49

Thanks for all your replies. I do need to stop trying to make these relationships work, I know I am banging my head against a brick wall. I need to be brave and stand up for myself.

I seem to have allowed myself to be a punching bag my whole life. I know that I will need to seek therapy to unravel it all.

OP posts:
LavenderBush · 10/12/2018 17:38

It is really hard when you have been brought up in that situation. Yes I think therapy could be really helpful. It's a difficult process to go through IME but well worth it for the perspective and clarity.

Maelstrop · 10/12/2018 17:48

Go NC, early Christmas present to yourself, you deserve it by the sound of it! Your family sound fucking horrible.

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