To want to quit my job

[Smallfry831]

I work in the NHS and have done for the past 6 years in an admin role.
I've always enjoyed my job and have even looked forward to going to work in the past but after a recent traumatic event I just hate it so much.
My mum passed away in August, it was sudden and unexpected, she was only 52, and although we had a somewhat disjointed relationship, due to her alcoholism, my love and loyalty to her never wavered.
she tried so very hard this past year and was on the right track and we were mum and daughter again, she spent time with my daughter, I'll cherish those moments and be forever grateful for them.

My problem is, I work at the same hospital where she died, thankfully not the same ward but all the memories of that week leading up to her death follow me around at work, walking up the hill gives me knots in my stomach, giving me the same feeling of dread that I had each time I went to visit on that last week, I see the doctors and nurses that were treating her, or I watch a woman being discharged from our ward with her daughter carrying her bag for her wishing so much that that was me walking my mum out of hospital. Seeing everyone on the wards looking so sick and hearing the nurses talk about after life and end of life care, I'm just reliving it day in and day out, I'm really struggling to cope with it all.

I've done counselling, anti depressants and am only finding sleep with sleeping pills.

I can't quit my job, I can't afford to, but I really want to.

I suppose this isn't an AIBU at all, but looking for a few suggestions do coping mechanisms.
Thank you

So sorry to hear this OP. It was only 4 months ago which is nothing when it comes to the death of a family member you so obviously cherished. My only advice is to continue counselling and be kind to yourself. Are they being supportive?

Work have been very supportive and are the ones who referred me to counselling, got to say I don't think it's helping, I feel like I'm sat with a clock watcher just counting down the seconds until times up.

Think I'm just feeling very isolated, all my family are 300+ miles away.

I moved away years ago due to an abusive relationship and mum followed me, not wanting me to be on my own, I took her home after she died as it felt the right thing to do for her, not knowing what her wishes were, I buried her in the 'family' chapel yard.

You are doing your best. The time after a parent dies are awful. Could you be referred to a different counsellor? Sometimes they're just not the right fot for what you need at that time.
When my dad was very poorly my colleagues were more supportive than any of my friends as odd as I found that. Could you also look at meeting with other people who are dealing with grief?
Try the NHS pastoral services.
I know this all takes a massive effort though. You're doing really well to keep going back to work.

Can you transfer to a different hospital?

Thank you, yes pastoral service is a good idea I will touch base with them.

Unfortunately I can't transfer to another trust, there isn't one in my area.

If you could ask your mums advice, what would she say? As a mum of a similar age, I would feel sad if my daughter gave up a job she' d previously enjoyed because of feelings related to me.
I bet she was proud of your independence and taking charge of your own life.
She'd be proud that you managed all the practicalities after her death.
But her dearest wish would be that you could have happy memories of her and go on to have more joy in your life.

When my dad died, I made an effort to pull strong positive memories of him into my daily life. When sad thoughts came, I would try to refocus on those. It did help and now those are the strongest memories, not his illness.

OP I wish I could hug you and tell you it is going to be OK, because it will but it takes a long time

Thank you for all your kind responses, think I'm just having a bit of a bad day xx