Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask for ideas on how to make my neices Christmas special

24 replies

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 13:01

Neice is 20. She is my sister's eldest and has a different dad to the other 2. From an outsider's point of view she was always excluded, they stopped inviting her on family holidays when she reached 14, she was never allowed to call sister's DP dad and his parents granny/grandad. They never made the effort on birthdays for her or kept her clothes nice, they even stopped cooking for her and she often seemed the target of their 'friendly banter.'

She has never complained and I tried to make a fuss of her and have her come and stay as much as possible and as a result we are still close.

My sister let neice do what she wanted and in her teen years she could stay out late/all night and there were no boundaries. Unsurprisingly she got in with the wrong crowd and made some mistakes. My sister used this as a reason to kick her out and she lived with my mum aged 15 to 18 and now lives in a flat alone. She pulled herself round and now has a job and tries hard. I help where I can financially and call regularly amd tell her I am always here etc. She comes to dinner regularly and if I had the room would offer her to live here.

I asked her what she was doing at Xmas and she said she would be with her mum, who despite everything she still adores and is desperate for her love and approval.
Neice just called me in tears to say she saw her mum yesterday and asked to come and was told no. Apparently sister's partner just laughed and shook his head when she asked and sister said maybe she could come another day.

I invited neice to mine with my family and am hoping she will come (at the moment she says she will stay in bed all day alone but I am hoping to persuade her!) and I want to make it special and for her to know she is wanted... How can I persuade her to come? What can I do to involve her with my own young children? Any gift ideas? What games would work for her and my young children? Music/movies?? I am old now, please advise me on fashion and make up for 20 year olds so I can get her some nice gifts... What can I say/do to help her?
Btw am already NC with my sister for my own reasons so can't help her there.

OP posts:

Lonegirl · 10/12/2018 13:06

Can you ask her to “help” with your kids? Give her jobs to entertain? Be in charge of a board game? Can she help with preparation for the dinner? Perhaps word it as doing you a massive favour, you’d be so grateful, and you’re so glad you got her in your lives.
Then get your kids to do small acts of kindness throughout the day for your niece. It’s lovely you want her to be with you, how awful to feel she doesn’t belong anywhere.

Beetlebum1981 · 10/12/2018 13:11

Could she stay with you Christmas Eve and maybe even Christmas Day night then she feels part of it and isn't going back to an empty house. You could do a Christmas Eve box for her and you kids with some pj's, hot chocolate and a film to watch. What about silly games like hungry hippo or there's one with magnetic bees on that you catch flowers with - just something silly.
She's so lucky to have you in her life poor girl.

Original poster

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 13:12

Thanks, I will definitely ask her under the guise of helping out but I need to be careful how I phrase it though as I want her to know she is wanted because of her and not as a helper too much, she was often used for babysitting etc by her mum when she lived at home and I don't want her to feel she is only wanted for helping if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 10/12/2018 13:12

That's so sad, but it's lovely you want to include her! I reckon asking for help fro her, small easy jobs I mean like what PP suggested about us a good idea. Hope you both have a great day!

Original poster

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 13:13

I would like to invite Xmas Eve but am short on space and so she would need to sleep in with my kids and I'm not sure she would want to. I will ask though.

OP posts:

Beetlebum1981 · 10/12/2018 13:14

Oh, as for gifts what about some high street vouchers? If she doesn't have much spare cash the opportunity to go shopping may be a real treat. Nice shower gels are always good - I always remember an older friend at work treating me to some Molten Brown shower gel about 20 years ago and I loved it. Is there anything she might like for her house to make it feel more like her own place?

pilipala29 · 10/12/2018 13:19

You could get her a present to open on the day like a piece of jewellery or make up but how about thinking of 12 days out to be used 1 a month. These don’t have to be expensive, just lovely opportunities to meet up with you. Things like a picnic, trip to the cinema, a day out somewhere. I received this one year and because I’d gone through a difficult time, we actually stuck to it. Spending time together with a chance to have a chat means so much.

knittedjest · 10/12/2018 13:27

Your niece is 20. I don't think you need to beat around the bush and use kiddy gloves with her. Invite her over and after the kids have gone to bed break open a bottle of wine and box of chocolates together, put on some chill music and have an adult conversation. Validate that her mother is shit. And share some laughs. Tell some funny grown up stories that she can relate to. If you've gone no contact it might be worth having the conversation about why that is so she can see that it most certainly is not her that is the problem. She's not a child and she doesn't need you to treat her like one. She doesn't need you to be her mother. That ship has sailed. Just be a friend and somebody she can rely on and knows loves her for her.

MintCassis · 10/12/2018 13:32

I’d say you were inviting her as you’d really enjoy her company rather than to help with the kids and say they’re looking forward to seeing her too.

Lots of little gifts of essentials like nice toiletries, foods she likes, teas etc. to go with a main gift and perhaps a little something from the children they’ve picked or made themselves. Our niece gave us a picture she drew but in a frame and it’s one of my most treasured gifts.

Whyislarryhappy · 10/12/2018 13:42

Create a nice hamper for her - slippers, bath stuff, candle, ornament, chocs, hot chocolate, sweets, earrings or necklace, something Xmas themed, hand cream or body lotion/butter.

BuffyTheMLMHunter · 10/12/2018 14:01

You lovely little viper! How about a year like an Urban Decan eyeshadow palette or Fenty highlighter if she's into makeup?

The best thing you can do is continue to treat her as you do, so she always knows she's loved and has a safe space with you.

picklemebaubles · 10/12/2018 14:06

Do her a stocking, doesn't need to cost much.
Make a place setting for her, with her name on. The children could do them for everyone, including her, as a pre Christmas activity and time killer!
Do individualised items where ever you can, so ice initials onto mince pies, write gift tag names on crackers etc.

Original poster

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 15:28

Thank you, will do a hamper with make up, toiletries, dressing gown, PJ's and mug with hot chocolate I think, and a piece of jewellery as a main present, and will definitely do the individual place settings etc, that's a really lovely idea.

Now just got to persuade her come come!

OP posts:

CanSurvive · 10/12/2018 15:31

How old are you kids? Can they write her a letter from all of you saying they really want her to xome for Christmas and if she wants to come for Christmas Eve she can stay in their room?

Original poster

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 16:34

Yeah that's an idea. I have messaged her today saying how much we'd love her to join us and she replied "yeah cheers, but I'm just gonna stay in bed all day I think but thanks for asking."

I can't bear the thought of her alone in her little flat on Christmas day but I can't force her to come to mine either, she is a grown adult. Just feel so shit for her because I know she is reeling from being rejected by her shitty mum yet again!

I can't say much about her mum though because despite everything she still loves her mum and will defend her. Occasionally she slips and will make a comment about having a crap mum but generally she is still fiercely loyal to her.

OP posts:

ChiaraRimini · 10/12/2018 18:38

OP don't wait for Xmas, why not invite her round or go out for a coffee/drink and offer her a shoulder to cry on about her mum-sounds like that's what she needs in the short term. Then if she would like to come to you for Xmas cross that bridge when you come to it x

Original poster

ZoeZebra1 · 10/12/2018 18:57

@ChiaraRimini we text daily and she comes over regularly for dinner (when she's not working/partying) and I have invited her over for dinner and drinks on Friday and hopefully some alone time after the kids go to bed.

OP posts:

Snog · 10/12/2018 19:09

Maybe ask if you can pop in on Xmas eve to give her a stocking for Xmas morning?

Spudina · 10/12/2018 19:16

Your poor niece. Its so good she has you. I can't imagine ever treating one of my daughters this way.

OrchidInTheSun · 10/12/2018 19:19

Go round Xmas morning in the car and tell her that you're not opening presents until she's there. Because it's not a proper family Xmas without her

ALemonyPea · 10/12/2018 19:21

That is just so sad, your poor niece.

Can you take a little hamper of goodies over for her Christmas Eve? This soap and glory set is massive, and will last her ages.

GreenTulips · 10/12/2018 19:21

Ask her to come xmas Eve for a girly movie once the kids are in bed and open a bottle of wine and treat her like a grown up.

Tell her you'd like the company and wind down after an overexcited kiddy day.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 10/12/2018 19:26

Jewellery as a main gift is a good call, as it always feels special and gives good memories everytime you put it on.

Also, perhaps a book (a nice edition of something she might like?) with an inscription written in the front telling her she is special, valued, loved and always will be.

A stocking with toiletries and chocolates and a miniature prosecco so she can have a pamper to herself later?

If she doesn’t want to come (and i totally get the self-preservation thing of curling up in a duvet when you’ve been hurt), say you’ll pop over on christmas eve with a little something for her and drop them off then, perhaps with a card saying again she is warmly invited for the big day. That way she might change her mind last minute, but even if she doesn’t she’ll know on christmas day that she is loved.

steppemum · 10/12/2018 21:57

I would text her something like this:

Please come to us on Christmas day, this is not a sympathy invite, because you can't go to your mums, it is an invite because I can't think of anything I would rather have for Christmas, than have you here with us as part of the family.
Sleep on the sofa on Christmas Eve, then we can have a good chat after kids in bed.
We love you, you belong here. What do you say?

Then just be really pleased to have her there. Treat her as a favoured adult, not a kid.
as to pressies, go to New Look they have lots of nice bits, get lovely PJs from Asda/Sainsburies. It doesn't have to cost lots, just be nice and stuff to open.
Give her a photo of you lot all together.

Don't diss your sister. Just say, families aren't always all they are cracked up to be, sometimes you can choose who to spend time with.

Flip