To expect DH to get up in a morning with DS and I?

[Curlyhairedbrummie]

I am a SAHM to DS1 age 2. DH works shifts, a mixture of early and lates but tends to do more lates and he can be out of the home until 1am sometimes!
He has 3 days off a week and usually on one of these days he would lie in, the next I would and the other day we would both get up with DS.
However the last couple of months have slowly changed and he doesn't seem to now get up until 10 on his days off. I dont expect him to wake up early after finishing late though. I talked to him about it and he said he doesn't see the point of us both being up. I feel like i need to 'ask' for a lie in which I don't now do as my body clock is now set to 6.30.

He says his body struggles to adjust to going from late to early so he needs to sleep in. I use to work shifts before I gave up my job so I know how tiring they can be but its really pissing me off how he is assuming I'll get up all the time with DS. He thinks IBU, am I or is he?
Thanks for reading!

Have you ever worked shifts? It completely messes your body clock up. If you’re up at 6.30am anyway s then what’s wrong with him sleeping in until 10am, it’s not late is it.
I’ve worked shift work and I felt at times I was living in a permanent fog of tiredness.

If you want a lie in yourself then prearrange it. Tell him the night before and get him to set an alarm, but if you’re up at 6.30am anyway and can’t/don’t want a lie in then I can’t see what the issue is?
It seems a bit petty to make him get up that bit earlier if you’re already up

I think yous should both have a turn at a lie in. Then on the other day maybe you get up then go back for a nap when dh gets up. That's what I would insist on, having a baby is around the cloak work, no start and finishing time

I wouldn’t necessarily expect my DH to get up with the children and me. But I would definitely expect him to do his fair share of early mornings while I had a lie-in. Why are you not having a turn?

Sorry it is not “round the clock” when a child is 2. A child of that age should be sleeping through the night for around 10 hours at least.
He’s working shifts, you’re a SAHM of toddler, not a newborn. If you want a lie in then have one... but wanting him up just for the sake of it is ridiculous

My DP works 12 hour shifts, so a bit different to yours but it does mean that he has the tiredness associated with shifts. I'm a SAHM of three (nearly four!)

I don't expect him to get up with us. I've worked long shifts myself and the tiredness is a real problem. I'd prefer that when he does get up, he is vaguely alive rather than struggling through the day! 10am isn't especially late, it doesn't ruin the day (if it was 2pm every day, I'd be saying something else!)

In your shoes, I'd plan in something for myself at some other point during the day. Either a nap, or some time for a hobby/seeing a friend/whatever gives you a break from the little one.

Great advice Stegosaurus

Have you ever worked shifts? It completely messes your body clock up.

The answer to this is literally in the OP.

OP, I think you’re being a tiny bit unreasonable but I can see why. Is there a compromise? At weekends (not shift workers but both regularly work at home past midnight - not comparable but still tiring) DH and I have a lie in each but the deal is that we are up by 9 so we can spend the day together as a family.

Thanks for your replies!
I have worked shifts for a long time before having a child so I do understand the tiredness!

If I want a sleep in i will get one if we arrange it.

It's just that it seems like hours on my own with DS before DH gets up and we can start our day.

I just thought on his days off (and after his lie in morning) that the whole house should be up and getting ready for the day. Perhaps I am being unreasonable. Thank you for the perspective.

Ask him if he’d like to get up at 6.30 7 days a week. If the answer is no, then sort out which day will be your lie in day. I expect you’d get back to sleep if you has the chance! Even if not would be a time when he was in charge of dc and you weren’t, which is a relief in itself.

^ by the same token he could also ask her if she’d like to work, doing shifts, whilst he stays at home with DS.

I think you are being very unreasonable. It sounds like he works some long shifts and needs to catch up on sleep.

Ok I'll accept IBU!
But thanks stegasauruslady and JessyRadlett, that's good advice!

Op on the days he works days, does he get up and sort everything for the baby? I was in your shoes last year. We had the whole 'if you are getting up anyway, may as well get up with the baby'. I don't think yabu. It should be fair. If you were both working shifts, I imagine you would still have to get up. Falls to default parenting. When you all have a day off together it's nice to all get up and go out or do something.
I'm back at work now but at the time, we had a designated do something all together day (not following a late) because I felt exactly like you do, and it made me feel a bit resentful.

I can see his point, but I can see yours too.

If I was you I’d talk to him about splitting the difference and see if he can get up around 8.30/9.

Thanks BlondieLongie, it does feel like I'm the default parent! He does his fair share once he is up on his days off tbh. When he is working I try and keep our days full. Sometimes we only see him for a short time after we've returned from playgroup and before he goes off to work and then it's DS and I for the rest of the day. So come his days off I'm ready for his adult company I guess!

Isn't that your role though, to get up with DS given your set up? He works and you stay home with the children. If both working then it would be unfair but you're not.

I have this exact situation. DH has a lay in on his days off (which is annoying when I’m up at 7am with DD every day), but as soon as DH gets up I either go back to bed for a while or schedule in a nap for the afternoon while he has DD. It works for us because then we both get the sleep we need.

Isn't that your role though, to get up with DS given your set up? He works and you stay home with the children. If both working then it would be unfair but you're not.

This is what I don’t get about some SAHM setups. The SAHM is the default primary parent 100% of the time, the working father is working contracted hours and is off for the rest of the time, but still isn’t expected to do any of the shit bits of parenting (getting up early on some days off, cooking meals) because he’s been at work, and needs a break.

What kind of delicate flowers are these men?

DH does the mornings on the weekend (when he is off) as he is more of a morning bird. In return I do anything at night and all week, although if dd wakes up between 5-7am before he goes to work he does tend to deal with her 😊 it’s worked well for us and as of yet no major fall outs! We will see how we get on when o go back to work after xmas 🙈