Child staying at dads

[yourma555]

We alternate Xmas & birthdays and this year he is due to stay at his dads Christmas Eve till Christmas Day morning! He doesn't sleep any other time (whole other story) so this will be the first time he's staying this year! I have a hard time trying to get him to see his dad for a few hours as it is any other day. This year he's adamant he isn't sleeping at his dads he's getting upset about it and asking me everyday about it. But he won't tell his dad in case he upsets him. Dad has booked a holiday next year for a week and he's already started worrying about it how he doesn't want to go on the plane and doesn't want to sleep out for a week. What can I do or say in this situation? Any help or advise? Thanks

How old is your child? Can he tell you why he/she does not want to stay overnight? Is he/she worried about being away from you or is he/she afraid of their dad? Does your ex know the child is so reluctant?

@Booboostwo he doesn't want to leave me & just prefers his own bed and having his own things around him. He doesn't have much of his own things at his dads. He's got a younger sister and has to go bed at the same time as her which is something he has spoken about to his dad. He's 8 and she's 4. He's a home body. He said he's going to speak to his dad tomorrow and I've spoken to his dad and he just thinks I'm just letting him get his own way and he's just putting it on. 🤔

It's very difficult. My son is younger but has same anxiety about staying at his dad's. Tells me on a daily basis he doesn't want to sleepover.

According to ex he is fine once he gets there. Does your son manage to settle?

I think I would listen to him, try to talk with DS about how it could be improved - surely his dad could relax the bedtime timings. Offer plenty of reassurance but be clear that it's important that he spends time with dad cos he loves him too.

@BedraggledBlitz his dad tells me exactly the same as soon as he's there he's fine but then my son tells me when he goes to bed he cries under the covers 😭 it's just so hard when they tell you stuff like that. But I'm constantly reassuring him that he will fun and it's like he's having 2 Christmas.

Can you talk with the dad without things getting acrimonious?

@Booboostwo yes I've tried numerous times but he just tells me he will speak to him or I need to forget it and stop giving in to him all the time.

This is very difficult.

I would be tempted to get legal advice and see if contact can be restricted to day time only. I would be concerned about forcing an 8yo to sleep over when he is refusing and becomes distressed. Is it possible to get some counseling for your DS so an independent professional can assess why he is so distressed at the prospect of sleeping at his dad's?

And then we wonder why many NRP don't bother with behaviour when as soon as they try and impose rules the child cries to the other parent who then tries to stop contact.

Being too scared to sleep in his dad’s house is hardly bad behaviour that will be sorted out by imposing rules! There must be a reason why this 8yo is so upset about overnight contact and the dad is refusing to acknowledge the issue and therefore refusing to sort it out so that his child can he happy staying overnight with him.

Your sons only 4 year old. He doesn't act happy during the day and then goes to bed and cry under the covers with nobody noticing. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to pull that act off. I think he's telling you porkies to try and get out of going.

Sorry read the ages wrong - He's 8, she's 4. Discard what I said.

If he isn't used to sleeping there I don't think it's unusual to dislike it. It's a different house, different rules, different food, different everything and it's not like a sleepover where he's chosen to be there and is having fun with his friend and everything is a new and unique experience. It's a familiar environment but it's not his normal and he has nothing really to distract himself with. It's not a choice to be there.

But I don't think that's a reason not to go. And I think maybe he wants to go a little bit because he doesn't want you to speak to dad about it. If he really, really, honestly didn't want to be there he would take any opportunity to try and get out of it. It's just a different environment and a bit outside his comfort zone, especially if he's a homebody like you say.

Does he sleep over at dad's now or not? You said he doesn't sleep any other time of year but then said when he does he's crying under the covers?

@user139328237 in no way have I stated I'm trying to stop contact I'm all for contact and will never stop that. My concern or what I need help with is what can I do if he doesn't want to go and gets distress by it. The days he is due to se me his dad he gets upset that he doesn't want to go!

Sorry he did stay at his dads the middle of the year (forgot about this until trying to work out how long he's not stayed there for today) and he cried under the covers. He's told me why he doesn't want to 1) he feels like it's not his house there's nothing there for him 2) he doesn't like leaving me 3) he has to go to bed the same time as his sister 4) he likes his own room/bed

It's a tough one I don't really know what the answer is but if he never stays over or at least very rarely then I'm not at all surprised he doesn't want to at Xmas.

I have a step son, but he is very much part of our family, we have him 3 nights a week and he feels very put out if he misses a night for whatever reason. He's the same age and him and his dad are two peas in a pod.
He has his own room here and views it as very much his house. And only goes to bed at the same time as his 4yo sister if he's been misbehaved.

I just can't imagine at 8 years old him making up the fact that he doesn't wanna to go- he clearly doesn't.

But I'm sorry I don't know what the answer is

Would his dad compromise on the bedtime?

Maybe try getting him a special cuddly toy that will be his link to home. He’ll take the cuddly toy with him and it will be like having a part of his home with him.